Марина Кужман - Hell and paradise

But his divorce dragged on. I don’t want to get involved in it. Even I think maybe he or she changed opinion, because they have two beautiful little daughters. I know I saw Steven very general and he just wants to leave for yourself a little bit to go through this stress. I want do everything fast and so that everybody will be satisfied. It was hard to see that he thinks about it a lot. It was damaging him, destroying his whole. But I cannot push him his privacy, and his will was very important for me. I tried to be patient, but I saw he needed space and we started to meet just sometimes. I missed him a lot. Very often I called just to hear his voice message. One day, Steve called me more early than usual. I came. He looked like he did not go to his job that day. He sat on the couch. I sat near him on the chair. We looked to each other. I know I can sit hours like this and look to him, like yogis do to meditate. We admired each other.

“You know,” he said after short time of silence, “I’m thinking, why did you come in my life?”

“But I love you,” I said perplexedly to answer his question. But you know I cannot give you anything. I jumped all my life like salmon swept out two children, and now I feel absolutely empty. And now my wife, whom I married and didn’t have one cent in her pocket, now she wants to take the house and leave me here.” He looked around his small apartment. I listened to him. I didn’t know what to say. “You know, let me give you $10,000, and maybe you can go back to Russia. You know, maybe tomorrow, I will be on the streets homeless and unemployed asking help. Everything is going this way.”

“Oh, no, no, I don’t want to leave you. I love you. I cannot live without you,” – I said.

He stood up, came to me, took my head in his hand, looked in my eyes with attention as trying to read my thoughts, and kissed me.

I don’t know how it happened that I went near OTV and what pushed me. But I came in and bought a ticket for the lowest price, like $2 something, I just want to check my luck, my intuition, and I won. I got $10, and I bought a new ticket with this money, and again I won. I got $50 and bought again. Now I got $250, and bought again, and I have more than a thousand. And all week, while Steve was in Long Island, I went and played and always won. It was the bar close, and I went and sat in the bar between. I was thinking, why work if I can win every day?

I stopped doing massage because, one time, the man was a musician and he knew Steve.

Steve came. He wanted me to go with him to visit his mother. She lived in the other state. We must travel by car. But I was so successful in my game with horses, and he didn’t divorce his wife yet. This indefinite condition makes me very unstable. I think he should go to his mother alone. He loves me; I love him. Nothing will happen if we do not see each other for one week, and I will start deciding on my problem.

Plus, I found an easy way to make money. I like not just the gambling but also watching horses running and the atmosphere of competition and excitement. Between races, sometimes I sit in a neighborhood bar, where I met a nice man. He was American, but his background was from Scotland. I read before that Scotsmen are nobility itself. He was so good looking his face and manners make me so happy, and I don’t know, maybe because I was really happy at that time, in love with Steve like engaged, and I was sure about my present and happy future, or it was the quality of my new acquaintance. I felt so free with him like never in my life before and after. I never not miss him or remind him thinking or looking for new meeting, but I so like him when I saw him once and again, and I saw that he likes me very much too. We sat near, and, suddenly, we started covering our faces with kisses and always did it when we see each other. But we did not have any plans for each other.

I was waiting for Steve. I thought about him every day. I miss him, and soon he will be back. But maybe the happy time with Scotsman unfocused me, and, recently, I met my longtime acquaintance Andy. I used to rent a room in his mother’s house, and we continued to see each other. He was planning to move to Hollywood and become an actor, and he a lot working over yourself, and he was very scrupulous about ethical standards, and because American life was new for me like for newborn, he was for me some authority on how to build behavior in a new reality. I told Andy about my new enthusiasm playing on horses. “It is not good to be a gambler. It is a shame,” Andy said. His words confused me.

That day, Steve must be back. I decided to play for the last time and because in my head was that what I do not right I cannot concentrate well, and like result, I cannot win. Steve was back, but I was in OTV. I found a better place where the bar, restaurant, and gambling place were all together. He left a message that he is in New York already. I went to him. We met in a hall of his building. He was dressed in short pants and T-shirt. He looked so simple, too simple like a country man, but I was dressed up. First, we were happy to see each other, but some hell was between us already, and we quarreled. But it was not enough for me. I went to the bar that Steve goes to often because it the closest to his home. And I stayed with this Scotsman. When Steve came, he saw me. I was in a black lacy dress, very expensive and elegant. My friend Lena, who sold clothes, said that it was $300. And I was so happy with good-looking Scotsman, who was so attentive, and we, like before, kissed each other. Steve was trying to cover it, but he was shocked. He sat on the bar and ordered his drink, I felt how he watched me. And I thought it will be scandal now, but I was not against it. I was in desperation that I was losing him, and it is like rock and I cannot do anything with this. Like hell came inside me and rolled all my behavior and I cannot stop. Suddenly, Steve went to the machine where the music was playing and put on the song “Life Is Very Short,” and he left the bar.

I woke up in the morning. It was sad recognize, that I lost Steve and I tied to live in the room of Ivan’s dirty apartment. I started looking for a new one, my own. I want something in Manhattan close to Steve, but I cannot find anything. It was summer, and I didn’t have a legal document. After a long search, in the end, I found a small studio in Williamsburg. It was one stop by train to Manhattan, just cross the bridge. It was on the second floor. The super suggested to make gates, but I didn’t want. Already I rented the new apartment, and I packed my things. I ordered the car for the evening, when there is less traffic, to go to the new place. The next day, I went and bought a bed and closet and organized my new place. But all my thoughts were about Steve: how to get back to him. I found in the newspaper that one woman knows how to help return people whom you love and lost. I went to where she lived in midtown Manhattan. She said that he will go back to me and gave advice to read one book, which was in short chapters, about love. There was advice to never look for love; it must come to you. I decided to learn this book. I translated all chapters to Russian.

I decided to take a new job, like a travel agent, but it was a big company of network marketing. There I met with new people. Everybody has American legal documents and regular job, but they want more extra money. I was thinking how to fix my problem to get documents.

Soon I met with Steve again. I still love him, and he loves me too, but his divorce became long term, and I for almost three years didn’t see my daughter, and I think I have to do something to get my green card. In my new company, I met with one Russian man. He was younger than me, but he has a good-paying job in the airport and American passport. He likes me very much and was ready to marry me. But I so want to be the wife of Steve; I don’t want to marry anybody but him.