Vladimir Kovalenko - Life bumps, how to correct

So when he once again stared at Robert, the latter, without taking his eyes off him, asked:

– I’m here for the first time, maybe you can tell me what format it’s going to be in?

– Um… – The guy hesitated.

Then, with a slight furrowed brow, answered loudly, no doubt attracting the attention of everyone present:

– Jessica is now writing a new book that will be devoted to testing a new method for dealing with negative emotions and attacks of the ’outside environment’, as she says. To ensure that the method receives sufficient support among readers, clients and practitioners alike, she has set herself the goal of gathering a group of test subjects, who will then become the protagonists of the book, so to speak… And… I’m on the team.

– This is the first time I’ve heard of this approach.

Robert could not help but admit that what he heard clearly interested him, so he moved his chair closer to the young man and asked:

– In the team?

– Ah, well… – Robert’s interlocutor grinned.

Tapping the tablet lock screen and looking at Robert again, he continued:

– That’s what I call those who Jessica has already selected to her group. By the way, I’m Mark.

– Nice to meet you, Robert.

Introducing himself, Robert said that Mark looked not only a very agile, quick-witted and enthusiastic man, but also incredibly cheerful and energetic, animatedly taking part in everything that was happening and as if charged with something from inside.

– And how is the selection process carried out? – Robert asked a question that naturally arose.

But he didn’t get an answer, because a young woman entered the room, where about 15 people had already gathered, and with a springy gait, looking at everyone present one by one, approached the blackboard. She didn’t seem to lose sight of anyone, and the attentive gaze of her dark eyes also stopped on Robert and Mark. She fit wonderfully into the interior of the room. There was nothing pretentious about her appearance: a dark blue woolen dress with a closed neck, high booted boots without heels, brown hair pulled up into a bun above her head. And absolutely no jewelry, not in his ears, not on his neck, not on his wrists. An absolutely calm and laconic image. Nothing about her could distract the listener from the penetrating gaze, the half-smile that almost never left her face, and the highly entertaining conversation that captivated everyone in the room from the very first seconds.

– I am very grateful to all of you that on this Sunday morning you decided to spend some time talking to me, – the coach began her speech, and Robert immediately understood why there was no chair or chair for the psychologist: she didn’t stand still, but walked tirelessly around the room. – I will introduce myself to those with whom we have not yet met. Jessica Highlander, psychotherapist and motivational coach.

Highlander didn’t make a pause in her speech and, stopping right in front of Robert and Mark, continued, slightly lowering her voice:

– In fact, each of us is a pretty good motivational coach for ourselves, aren’t we? I’m sure that last week, and the week before, was not without its difficulties for all of you. I confess that I did too: a heavy flight, having to prepare a place for a meeting, negotiations with representatives of the local administration.

Jessica smiled, defusing the situation. And Robert noted that for the first time in his practice the confidential tone was used so successfully. No tedious introductions, no boring enumeration of their own achievements. A relaxed and open conversation was immediately initiated. Therefore, the revelations expressed by a complete stranger previously he wanted to respond with a conspiratorial tone: «Yes, and I had a hard time this week, and last week, and in the end, all the previous ones, too! But Robert didn’t have time to say it out loud. The girl seated by the window answered on behalf of all those present, whose despondent look, which had previously touched him, was now truly despondent:

– I can’t get over my sadness at all. Can you help me deal with the loss I have experienced?

The girl’s eyes instantly moistened. Robert was struck by the reaction to what the specialist had said. Immediately Jessica walked over to the speaker and sat down next to her. In a low, trustworthy voice she said:

– You and I are in the present moment, here and now. Your sadness is perfectly normal, and my task is to help you not only learn to accept it, but also to cope with the negative consequences of the experience.

Then, turning to the whole group, Jessica continued:

– All the emotions we experience are perfectly normal, but we are often ashamed, unable to accept them, suppress them and as a result get trapped, constantly reacting to the same stimuli. We walk like a rounded corridor, discovering traces of the same experiences. For example, sadness leads again and again to depressing thoughts…

Jessica rose from her chair, again looking trustingly and warmly into the eyes of the girl, who smiled in response, albeit faintly, but still. The therapist continued her monologue:

– But you don’t live your life to the fullest, constantly coming back to the guilt that owns you, you don’t see ways to cope with what haunts you. And there are ways out, take a look.

Taking a marker, Jessica quickly drew a straight line and two circles on the board from the beginning of the line to the end. And then, after some pause, a curved line, going away from the second circle, and another curved line, opposite, approaching it like a boomerang. The explanation was not long in coming.

– The circles drawn on this board represent events, words, and facts that you encounter every day, – Jessica said. – You react to events in different ways. Take, for example, aggression. You can express your dissatisfaction directly…

In this case, the coach pointed to a straight line. In such a situation, she explained, the aggressor immediately gets a response in the form of no less rude words to his address. And most importantly – the situation causes negative emotions, which affect the person negatively. In some cases, on the contrary, people prefer to walk away from aggression directed at them. Such behavior is indicated by a line going away.

– Here, for example, you are criticized undeservedly, someone rude and harshly responded to you, and you kept silent, – said Jessica, and it was clear to everyone that she knows firsthand what she is talking about. – But the offender and the critic won’t benefit themselves either. They will realize their impunity, they will not be able to develop their perception. And remember…

Then she opened the marker and hastily wrote a few words on the board over the chart. Robert, looking carefully, read: «AGGRESSION THAT HAS NO EXIT, CLOSES IN ITSELF».

Jessica then briefly described various approaches and concepts of understanding aggression and practical ways to struggle with its displays in psychology and psychotherapy. Having finished her speech, she again turned to the chart, pointing to the line that curved up to the circle from below:

– But you can change the situation, you can offer your attention and support to someone who opposes you. You will ask: «How? After all, I have been undeservedly offended, unjustly accused, I am again being attacked for nothing. I have to respond, I have to get even». It is complicated, but it is possible to extinguish the conflict with the help of excessive support. It should be active, without negativity, and even with a touch of humor, which naturally follows from the context of the position taken.

Jessica Highlander, a young girl, so cheerful and energetic and seemingly far away from such problems, nevertheless inspired confidence with her wise thoughts. It was impossible not to be involved in the conversation, and Robert himself didn’t notice how he began to talk about cases from his life related to aggression.