Си Паради: Dancing With Shadows

Rosa stood up and walked slowly back to the shelf. She lovingly set the picture in its place between her two sons. I love you Tony, was the thought she turned away from the shelf with.

Walking into the kitchen she took her shopping list off the refrigerator. Adding eggs to the list, she set it on the table and went to get her purse.

It was a warm pleasant day and Rosa was looking forward to the walk to the market. Her friends Mary and Gino owned it. The neighborhood had changed very little from when she first moved in so many years ago. It was full of Italian immigrants, and they took care of each other. It was often referred to as Little Italy.

Rosa picked up the shopping list and put it in her purse. She had just opened the back door when the doorbell rang. Shutting the door, she turned around and made her way to the front of the house.

SHE OPENED THE front door and said, "Yes?" and a heartbeat later her eyes widened and a look of shock covered her face. A gasp escaped her mouth and she closed her eyes tightly, murmuring, "Mi Dio. Non e’ possibile, sto allucinando." She was afraid to open her eyes, and afraid to hope until she heard the barely audible, "Mom…"

The door opened and Tony looked into the deep blue eyes that met hers. Everything became surreal. She heard her mother say, "Yes," and then saw her face transform into a look of disbelief. She heard a gasp and her mother’s whispered words, "My God. It’s not possible, I’m hallucinating," and the eyes tightly closed.

Tentatively, she said, "Mom…" and watched the eyes slowly open revealing a myriad of emotions.

Rosa opened her eyes and looked at the tall woman wearing jeans and a blue pullover top standing in her doorway. The casual clothes did not detract from her natural beauty. Her heart racing out of control, she asked the question she already knew the answer to, but needed to voice. "Tony… is it really you?" Rosa raised a hand to her daughter’s face needing to touch her. Finally convinced her mind was not playing a cruel joke on her, she murmured, "Non sono pazza."

Tony’s mind and emotions registered several things simultaneously. Her mother was not upset with her. She seemed glad to see her. Could that be true? Had her long self-imposed exile been unnecessary? It certainly appeared her fears had been groundless. Not knowing what to say, and overwhelmed at the enormity of the thoughts churning in her mind, Tony stood there mutely.

Rosa gained a semblance of control and placed her hand on Tony’s arm pulling her into the house. Shutting the door, she turned to her long lost child. Walking up to her, sensing her daughter’s discomfort, she said, "I have missed you so much Tony. Would you give your old mother a hug?"

Tony covered the few steps between them and wrapped her long arms around her mother and felt the answering squeeze. During that one moment of contact between mother and daughter, feelers were tentatively sent out touching a bond severed years ago. "You are not old, and

I’ve missed you, too," she said quietly to her mother.

Ending the hug, both women stood there awkwardly. Rosa said, "Can you stay for a while?" She almost laughed at the absurdity of the words.

Her prayers had been answered, and now she didn’t even know what to say to her own daughter.

"Sure," Tony answered.

Rosa smiled. "Good. Sit down. I’ll get us something to drink. What would you like? I can make some coffee. I have orange juice…" She stopped when she realized she was just prattling on.

Tony felt some of the tension drain out of her. Realizing her mother was as nervous as she was, she said, "Coffee would be great."

Sitting on the couch, the rich smell of the freshly brewed coffee permeating the air, the two women looked at each other. Both noticed the changes that had occurred in the other over the years. Tony saw lines she never remembered on her mother’s face and a few strands of gray in her hair. She had gained a little weight but had really changed very little in appearance. Rosa was pleased to see that the young gangly teenager she remembered had grown into the beautiful woman she had always known her daughter would become.

Tony asked, "How are you Mom?" The question was simple, but it was a starting place, and Rosa accepted it for what it was and began to tell her daughter about her life. She told her about their friends, and brought her up to date on the small community she had grown up in.

"What about you? Where do you live? Are you married? Are you still in the FBI?" Rosa stopped when she saw Tony raise an eyebrow and look at her, the question clearly written across her face.

Rosa met her daughter’s eyes. "I tried to find you. I hired a private investigator. He told me you had entered the FBI, but couldn’t find out anything else."

Tony took a deep breath. Voicing her thoughts, she said, "I never meant for you to worry. I just thought it was best for me to leave."

The older woman looked at the troubled face of her daughter. She had not been there for Tony when she needed her, and had lost her. She was getting a second chance and she intended to make the most of it.

Reaching over, she took one of Tony’s hands between hers and began talking. "You left because you needed me and I wasn’t there for you. I couldn’t see past my own grief to share yours. I knew you blamed yourself but I was helpless to act. That was very selfish of me." Rosa paused a minute, gathering together the words that should have been spoken so many years before, "It wasn’t your fault. I know that now and I knew it then." Looking into Tony’s eyes, Rosa continued, "I’m so sorry, Tony. If there were any way I could go back and change things I would. But I can’t. Can you forgive me?"

The words impacted on Tony like a sledgehammer. Disbelief and relief warred with each other. After years of shouldering the blame in her own mind, she had to make sure. In a voice just short of incredulous, she asked what had been answered, unable to stop the question, "You didn’t blame me?"

Look what I have done to my own child. "No Tony. I never blamed you." Rosa’s voiced hitched and she had to pause before she could continue, "I’m so sorry I never told you that then."

An enormous weight lifted off her shoulders and seeing the tears spilling down her mother’s face, she gently squeezed the hand holding hers and said, "It’s ok Mom. Don’t cry," her own eye’s moist, she continued, "You’ll make me cry too." Leaning over, she hugged her mother and repeated, "It’s ok."

"You are still the good person you always were Tony," Rosa said when she was able.

Tony was a little embarrassed by the compliment and decided to change the subject by answering the questions her mother had asked.

"I live in Cleveland now, Mom, and I’m still in the FBI. I worked covert operations for years. That’s why the guy you hired couldn’t find me."

"Do you like it there?" Rosa asked.

"Yes." Smiling Tony added, "Some great people live there."

"You have such a pretty smile Tony."

"Mom…!" Tony said rolling her eyes.

Rosa said, "Well you do," and laughed at the familiar action by Tony.

"Have you met anyone?"

Tony looked at her mother. How do I handle this? With the straightforwardness that was her style, she met her mother’s eyes and said, "Yes I have. We are not married yet, but we have talked about a commitment ceremony."

"A commitment ceremony? That’s a strange thing to call a wedding. Is this something new?" Rosa asked drawing her eyebrows together in question.

Tony said simply, "I am in love with another woman." Seeing the shocked expression cover her mother’s face, she continued, "You’d like her

Mom. She’s the most wonderful person I have ever known."