Jennifer Crusie - Agnes and the Hitman

“She wasn’t arrested,” Xavier said hastily. “She was just accompanying Miss Agnes.”

“Who was arrested,” Shane added, feeling that Xavier deserved all the grief he could get.

“For what?” Lisa Livia said to Xavier.

“She is helping us with our inqui-”

“Killing Taylor,” Shane said, and while Lisa Livia zeroed in on the hapless Xavier, Shane took Carpenter aside. “The package is past the barn, behind some palmettos.”

Carpenter frowned. “Perhaps it would be prudent to move the package at a later time.”

Shane nodded. “It’s secure for now, assuming Downer doesn’t trip over it and get creative.” He looked over at Xavier now speaking sternly to Lisa Livia, who was snapping right back. “I don’t think Xavier is going to go looking for any more trouble tonight.”

Lisa Livia turned on Palmer. “And where the hell were you when all this was going on?”

“I was-” Palmer’s perfectly smooth forehead furrowed as he tried to think through the alcohol.

“He was under the weather,” Shane said.

“Under a keg more likely,” Lisa Livia said. “One of the bridesmaids said Maria said he had sex with a stripper.”

“Of course not,” Palmer said, but he swayed as he said it

“Absolutely not,” Evie said, but she gave her son the fish eye.

Shane shook his head. “Palmer didn’t do anything with the stripper.”

“How do you know?” Lisa Livia demanded. “Because this was a special kind of stripper,” Shane said, and Lisa Livia opened her mouth to argue and then shut up. Xavier looked at him oddly.

“Have you questioned the widow yet?” Shane asked him. “Brenda Dupres, uh, Beaufort?”

“She’s distraught,” Xavier said, his voice dry. “I do, however, have some queries for you-”

“She killed him just like she killed my daddy,” Lisa Livia snapped at him. “Go out on that damn boat and beat it out of her, and then bring Agnes home.”

“And Maria,” Palmer said, his swaying much more pronounced. “Maria should be home…”

“Go on, Xavier,” Evie said. “We’re waiting. Bring Agnes back.” She folded her arms and lifted her chin, and Xavier looked at her, exasperated. “Don’t look at me like that. You picked the wrong side on this one. Agnes is innocent. You’re always picking the wrong side. You did it twenty-five years ago and you’re doing it now.”

“Evie,” Xavier said.

Palmer’s swaying became downright dangerous, and Shane grabbed the front of his shirt and sat him down on the swing, which brought Shane close to Evie’s ear. “Walk Xavier to his car,” he whispered.

Evie stepped forward. “Come on, Xavier,” she said, smooth as glass. “It’s dark out there. Walk me to my car.”

Xavier started to speak, and she took his arm. “You can harass Shane tomorrow,” she said, and tugged him toward the screen door, and he shot Shane a glare full of suspicion and then he looked down at Evie, sighed, and went.

Shane straightened Palmer on the swing. “You stay here and get to know your mother-in-law.”

“Where are you going?” Lisa Livia said, almost in tears. “What about Maria? What about Agnes?”

“I’m on it,” Shane told her.

“It’ll be all right,” Carpenter said, his voice low. “We’ll be right back. And tomorrow, I’ll take care of the other thing for you. Rest.”

Lisa Livia took a deep breath, nodded, and then turned to Palmer. “You’re an idiot. But I like you. I’ll make coffee.”

Shane looked in the back door to the kitchen at Joey. “You take care of things here.”

Joey nodded and patted the gun-shaped bulge under his T-shirt.

Great, Shane thought. Just what we need. mure people with firepower. “What’s the plan?” Carpenter said.

“We break Agnes out of jail,” Shane said. “Then I convince her that I wasn’t having sex with the stripper so she doesn’t kill me. Then we come back here and take care of the package and hit Casey Dean. Then we find proof that Brenda killed Taylor and give it to Xavier so he doesn’t prosecute Agnes for going AWOL. Then we make sure Maria marries Palmer. Then we meet Wilson and I get his job and you get a promotion and a big raise.”

“Why does that sound like a To Do List?” Carpenter said.

“Get in the van,” Shane said.

Maria had come back with Agnes’s lawyer, Barry, who said the same thing about judges and holiday weekends as the blonde-”Told you so,” the blonde said-but who added that the prosecution was going to have a damn hard time explaining why Agnes’s fingerprints were on a meat fork that she’d committed premeditated murder with on the spur of the moment in the middle of her woods while she asked her alibi to wait on the footpath. “I don’t understand why they arrested you at all,” Barry said, his face cheerful through the bars. “Xavier’s usually smarter than this. We may even get a wrongful arrest out of this. I doubt it, but I can certainly try.”

“Detective Hammond is hoping to seduce my goddaughter and break up her wedding and was trying to get me out of the way so he could do it,” Agnes said, throwing Hammond to the wolves, and Barry turned to Hammond, even happier to add sexual misconduct and alienation of affection to the list, and shortly after that, Hammond’s night got worse when Maria went back to Two Rivers to stay in the second bedroom upstairs because her mother had called her and read her the riot act about behaving like a slut the night before her wedding. Hammond had come back to the cell to complain bitterly when Maria was gone, so when Agnes heard footsteps at the cell door again, she ignored them until she heard a key scrape in the lock. Then she rolled over to see Shane pushing the door open.

“You didn’t kill anybody to get in here, did you?” she said as she sat up.

“Here? No.” He walked over to her and looked up. “About the stripper. That was not sex.”

“I know. You wouldn’t do that to me.” He looked surprised, and she took a deep breath. “Is she dead?”

“Yeah,” he said, clearly regrouping. “She was Casey Dean’s girl. She tried to kill us on the boat. She tried to kill me tonight.”

“Then you had to do it.” Agnes began to climb down from the bunk, and he put his hand on her waist to help her down, sliding his arm around her as her feet hit the floor, and she leaned against him and let him take her weight because he wouldn’t let her down.

“I heard about Taylor,” he said.

She clung to him. “It was bad. He was still alive when I found him, it was a terrible way to die.” He nodded.

“You know that cool, unemotional killer thing I was going to master? It ain’t happening. I’m just not the cool type.” He nodded.

“But I’m not Crazy Rage Person anymore, either. I think I finally got what Dr. Garvin was trying to tell me.” He nodded.

She tilted her head so she could see his face. “You okay there, silent guy?”

“You really do believe me?” He held on to her tighter. “I really wasn’t having sex with her, I swear, but you really do believe me?”

She nodded. “Yeah. You’re the guy I believe in.”

He bent and kissed her, and she held on to him, so grateful he was there, she could have cried. The blonde got up and began to sidle toward the door, and he reached out and grabbed the back of her shirt and put her back on the bunk, but he never let go of Agnes.

“Let’s go home,” he whispered, and she nodded, the words hitting her hard.

“Yes, please,” she said, and they went out the door, his arm still around her.

Shane turned back to the blonde. “Sorry,” he said, and closed and locked the cell door behind them.