Jennifer Crusie - GETTING RID OF BRADLEY

“So what happened?”

Lucy’s face softened into a smile as she remembered. “He was wonderful to her. It wasn’t just the money. He thought all her paintings were beautiful, he thought she was beautiful, and he told her so. He hugged her all the time, praised her all the time…” Lucy’s smiled turned rueful. “Six months after they were married, I apologized to her for trying to stop her. By then, she was crazy about him. They were so happy together, people even stopped saying she’d married him for his money.”

“So what happened?” Zack repeated.

“Nothing for four years. They were waiting until Tina graduated, and then they were going to go around the world for a year seeing every art museum they could find for Tina, and…” Lucy stopped again. “Tina was so excited. She told me that she was going off the Pill for the trip because they were ready to start a family. She was thrilled.”

Zack winced. “Why do I have a bad feeling about this next part?”

“He died,” Lucy said. “The week after she graduated, he had a heart attack and died. And Tina was devastated. She was in mourning for almost two years. She wouldn’t do anything but paint and listen to music. Morgan had a huge record collection, and she used to listen to it because she said it was like he was there.”

Zack shook his head. “That doesn’t sound like the Tina I saw in the diner.”

“The Tina you saw in the diner has had two husbands since then.” Lucy picked up her fork again. “One slept with her best friend and one hit her. Don’t criticize Tina. She’s a survivor. I should be more like her.”

“No, you shouldn’t,” Zack said, alarmed. “You’re fine the way you are.”

Lucy looked thoughtful for a moment. “You know, that may be part of the reason I went ahead and married Bradley. I mean, marrying without passion worked for Tina. She got it all anyway. And I didn’t seem to be having much luck finding a hugger.”

“So you didn’t feel passionate about Bradley? What a shame. Pass the potatoes.”

“I don’t think I’m a passionate person.” Lucy carefully avoided looking at Zack as she handed him the vegetable dish.

“Oh, you meet the right guy, and you’ll be surprised,” Zack said. “You got any plans for dessert?”

THEY SPENT THE REST of the evening scrubbing the old glue off the kitchen floor. At ten, they quit to take a beer-and-pretzel break, and the phone rang. Zack followed Lucy and waited while she picked it up. “It’s Tina,” she told him, and he took the pretzels and the beer over to build a fire with the dogs.

“So how’s life with the cop?” Tina asked.

Lucy curled up in an armchair, draping the phone cord over the arm. “Difficult. But nobody’s tried to kill me lately, so I’m not complaining.”

“Hell, yes. It’s been over twenty-four hours since anything’s exploded in your vicinity. By the way, I’m buying you a new car for your birthday. What do you want?”

“Nothing. My insurance will cover it.”

“There must be some kind of car that’s bomb-proof.”

“Forget the car. Get me something that’s Zack-proof.” Lucy dropped her voice and kept a wary eye on Zack across the room in front of the fire.

“Is he being difficult? Shall I have somebody beat him up?”

“No. If I need that, I’ll do it. He’s just driving me crazy.”

“How?”

“Well, he’s ripped up my kitchen floor, for starters.”

“Why? He thought Bradley was under there?”

“No. I think he got bored, but he’s afraid to leave for fear I’ll get killed.”

“So he ripped up the kitchen floor.”

“Well, it keeps him off the streets. He’s also cooking.”

“He cooks? He didn’t seem the type.”

“I’m teaching him. We’re starting with the basics. Nachos and chili.”

“Lucy, what’s going on?”

“I’m crazy about him.” Lucy’s voice sank to a whisper. “I’ve had more lustful thoughts in the past three days than in the entire rest of my Me. Somebody blew up my car, and all I can think about is ripping off his clothes. I’ve never had so much fun, and I’ve never been so turned on, and he doesn’t seem to notice.”

“Jump him,” Tina said.

“I don’t know how. Ideas. I need ideas.”

“Take off your clothes and crawl into bed with him. I know it’s not subtle, but he looked like the elemental type in the restaurant. If you get too subtle, he may not catch on.”

Lucy clutched the phone. “I can’t do that. What if he says no, and there I am, naked? I’ll die.”

“He won’t say no, but who cares if he does? Do it Hell, guys go through this every time they make a move on a woman, and none of them has died yet. In many cases, that is, of course, unfortunate, but rejection is definitely not lethal. Go get him.”

“I can’t.” Lucy shot another glance at Zack. “He kissed me last night, but then he stopped. Do you think it was my hair?”

“No. I think you should get your hair fixed, but I definitely do not think it was your hair.”

“Maybe I’ll make an appointment to get my hair done and then…”

“Lucy. You’re just using this hair thing to hide behind. When you are ready to be that new independent woman you kept babbling about in the diner, you’ll seduce him with your hair the way it is.”

“Maybe. But maybe the hair makes a difference. Maybe that’s why he kissed me and stopped.”

“Maybe he was being a gentleman,” Tina said doubtfully.

“Zack?”

“Maybe not. I’ll stop by tomorrow night and check him out- No, I won’t. I’ve got theater tickets.”

Lucy breathed again. “Good. I don’t need you helping. You’ll hurt him.”

“I’ll stop by Wednesday night. If you haven’t made your move by then, we’ll work something out.”

“Tina, really -”

“You have forty-eight hours. Do it. Just don’t get hung up on him. I think this lust thing you’re developing is very healthy, but Zack is not husband material. Just use him to get over Bradley, and then I’ll introduce you to somebody nice and quiet and rich.” A doorbell chimed in the background on Tina’s end of the line. “Oh, hell. I’ve got to go. Bye.”

“Tina, I don’t think so…” Lucy began, but Tina had already hung up.

“Lucy?” Zack called from over by the fire. “Is everything all right?”

“Tina says hi,” Lucy said and went to join him.

“THIS IS THE LIFE.” Zack sat on the floor leaning back against the love seat. “Great food, great fire, great company.” He looked over at the three dogs lined up expectantly beside him. “Don’t look at me. Your mom’s got the pretzels.”

“Forget it,” Lucy said to them from where she had curled up on the love seat “Pretzels are bad for your figures.”

The dogs lapsed into their favorite activities. Einstein put his head between his paws and watched the food, Maxwell sat and stared into space, and Heisenberg rolled over onto his back.

“Einstein, Heisenberg, and Maxwell,” Zack said. “Is there a pattern to these names? Obviously, Einstein even I can figure out He looks just like the old guy. But why Heisenberg and Maxwell?”

“They’re both famous physicists. Heisenberg was because Einstein was suspicious of him, and I thought he was uncertain about whether he wanted to stay. I was wrong about the second part, but the rest of it fit.”

“I don’t get it”

“Werner Heisenberg said the universe was an uncertain place, with no real rules. He drove Albert Einstein crazy because Einstein wanted to believe that the universe was completely understandable. So when this poor little dog showed up at the front door and Einstein growled, and the next day the dog was gone but he came back again in the evening, I just thought, well, Einstein is suspicious of him and he’s uncertain about staying, so…”