Elizabeth Eulberg: The Lonely Hearts Club

All my frustration from the last few weeks had built up, I was so pissed, I could barely see straight.

I turned to Ryan, heat rising in my cheeks. I could taste the acid on my tongue. He was supposed to be a friend of mine, but he was going to stand there and allow this to happen. He didn't want to create waves with his idiot best friend and disgusting teammates.

"Wow, Ryan, how disappointing. You wouldn't want to have to stand up for yourself, now would you?"

Ryan looked at me like I'd stabbed him. We both just stared at each other.

I instantly regretted it.

"I didn't mean…" I sputtered.

He turned away and left me standing there, with a look of pure horror on my face.

How could I say that to him in front of everybody?

Tracy put her arm around me and led me to her car. "Pen, he's such a jerk, don't pay attention to anything he said!"

"But Ryan — "

Tracy looked confused. "I'm not talking about Ryan. I'm talking about Todd."

Oh, right, Todd.

I kept replaying the conversation over and over in my head.

"Here, put this on your wrist. I'll take care of the bed." Tracy handed me a bag of ice, took the sheet from my hand, and started to make up the air mattress on my bedroom floor. "Penny, stop beating yourself up over it. He's an idiot."

I looked up at her. "Do you really think we've upset that many people at the school by starting the Club? First Principal Braddock and now.."

She shook out the sheet as it fell onto the bed. "Sit down." She sat on my bed and patted the cushion next to her. "Penny, the Club is one of the most important things that either of us has ever done. Todd Chesney is an idiot, end of story. Don't let it ruin the success of the evening."

I looked down at my flannel pajamas and put my knees up so my chin was resting on them, "I just don't want to be responsible for making anyone upset,"

"Do you know what you're responsible for?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know what to think anymore. Every time I thought I could handle the Club and being friends with Ryan, everything fell apart.

Tracy grabbed my shoulder so I was forced to look at her. "You're responsible for Kara being comfortable enough to talk to people about her eating disorder!"

Kara's transformation had been remarkable. Gone were the baggy sweats, pictures of stick-thin models in her locker, and her lunch routine of picking at a salad with no dressing. Now she wore more flattering clothes, had pictures of her friends up in her locker instead of waif models, and ate with the group. She still had a long way to go, but it was a start.

"You're responsible for the fact that Teresa kept her volleyball scholarship to UW."

Teresa ended up acing her Calculus exam, thanks to Marta.

"You're responsible for the fact that, for the first time in her life, Diane Monroe has her own identity. Remember what she was like at the beginning of school?"

I pictured Diane at the diner, clearly miserable, but trying to pretend that everything was fine.

"And now anytime you see her she's so happy to be in the Club and to have girlfriends. She's really surprised me."

Tracy wasn't the only person Diane had surprised. I still couldn't believe that she risked her standing with Braddock to help the Club, or that she stood up to Todd tonight... or to Missy after the article came out.

I felt my chest restrict and my eyes were starting to burn. "Those things didn't happen because of me. I can't take responsibility for them."

Tracy got up and took my hands. "You were the one to open our eyes. You re the one that's the strongest of us all."

My bottom lip started to quiver. "Yeah, I'm so strong."

"Stop it, Penny. Don't sell yourself short. You're the leader of the group because everybody respects you, because you're there for people, and because you're one of the greatest people I've ever known. I'm so happy to have you as my best friend. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Tracy hugged me, and I held her tightly.

"Plus," she continued, "everybody is pretty much scared of me when they first meet me and Diane comes off as Little Miss Perfect, so I guess you were the lesser of three evils."

I let go of my grasp as Tracy started to laugh, "Sorry, you know I can't help it. this is exactly why we all need you so much!"

I sat back down on my bed and realized how tired I was. Tracy lay down on her mattress and threw the covers over herself. "Enough drama for today. I'm out."

I turned off the lamp on my nightstand and pulled my duvet cover over me. Laughter came from below.

"What is it?"

Tracy giggled. "I just wish we could see Todd tomorrow morning. He is going to be so sick. Let's hope he got sick on Missy! I'd pay to see that!"

I laughed for a second before I thought of Ryan. I had to figure out a way to make everything right between the two of us — again.

How was it that I could be part of a big group of girls, but couldn't seem to stop causing problems with one guy?

I winced as I remembered the look on his face.

I closed my eyes and pushed the thought away. I would deal with that tomorrow. Tonight I was going to enjoy the success of the evening. It was a great night, except for Todd yelling at me and me yelling at Ryan.

As I lay awake in the dark, I tried to visualize all the good things that happened tonight — Jen raising all the money for the team, Kara's killer rendition of "I Will Survive," Diane and Tracy joining me in my song…

But each time I started to feel happy, Ryan's hurt face popped into my head.

"Ow!" I exclaimed as I hit my head a little too hard, hoping that I could shake the thought loose.

"Penny," Tracy said groggily, "are you okay?"

No, no I'm not.

"Yes, I'm fine. Good night."

I really had to stop lying to my best friend.

And myself.

THE CLOCK WASN'T MOVING FAST ENOUGH. I had been pacing in front of my locker for what seemed liked an eternity. Granted, I was at school a lot earlier than normal. I had asked my mom to drop me off this morning so I could be this early. My stomach tightened up — Ryan would be here any minute.

He rounded the corner and took off his wool hat, making his hair a mess. He started to run his fingers through it to calm it, then looked up and saw me. He stopped for a second and then looked down as he approached his locker.

"Hey…" I said to him.

He just nodded as he took off his puffy black winter coat.

I knew I deserved that.

"Ryan, I am really, really sorry about what I said. You know I didn't mean it"

He put his backpack in his locker and started to take out his books. I wondered how long it would be before he looked at me again.

"I know you didn't mean it," he said in a low voice, still not making eye contact. "The problem is you said it because you knew it would hurt me. Well, mission accomplished." He shook his head. "Out of everybody at the school, I thought you would be the last person to stoop so low."

He slammed his locker shut and started to walk away. He paused and turned to me, "You know what I've been doing every morning for the last few weeks? I drive to school wondering which Penny I'm going to see at my locker today. Will it be the sweet, warm, and funny Penny or the cold and distant Penny? I practically hold my breath to see how you're going to react to me and then try to figure out what I did to deserve your behavior. That's why I didn't talk to you for those couple of weeks. I was hurt."

I stared at him. I couldn't deny what he was saying. I knew that I'd been erratic around him, and I couldn't tell him the real reason why.

He shook his head. "I just never know where I stand with you." He began to walk away.

"Wait." I ran to get in front of him. "I know what I said is unforgivable — I really am so sorry. So much has happened the last couple months and, yes, I've taken some stuff out on you."