Brenda Janowitz: Based On A True Story

“Well,” he says, “according to Entertainment Now , it seems that I did come with you.”

“About that-” I start to say, only to be cut off by Douglas.

“I knew it! Trip still doesn’t know, does he?” Douglas asks. “He actually thinks that that silly American colleague of yours is me?” Douglas throws his head back and laughs with a deep throaty thunder, as if this concept is the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard.

Which is ridiculous in of itself. You see, Douglas is laughing because he thinks that Jack is no match to impersonate him-that he, himself, is so fabulous that Jack isn’t fit to shine his shoes, much less pretend to be in them. When in reality, the opposite is true. Jack is the best thing to ever happen to me. Douglas, as it turned out in the end, was the worst. And Jack was my best friend through all of it. Through the fights and the heartbreak, Jack was always there for me. I’m just lucky that after all these years, Jack and I finally ended up together.

“Jack,” I say to Douglas. “His name is Jack.”

“Well, whatever,” Douglas says, a sly smile creeping onto his lips. “I wonder what Trip will say when he finds out that Jack’s not me?”

“If you drop your lawsuit, I promise that I’ll tell Trip,” I say, and Douglas’s sly smile becomes a full-blown grin.

“Well, I was hoping to get to court at least one time to see you in one of your cute outfits,” he says.

Even though I never figured out exactly what it was that Douglas did for a living, he always found a way to diminish what I did. Cute outfits for court? I’m a big-time lawyer, for God’s sake! Sometimes being so devoted to fashion really has its drawbacks.

“I’m leaving,” I say, getting up out of my chair.

“Wait,” Douglas says. “Sit down. Are you really going to tell Trip everything?”

“Is that what you want? To humiliate me once again? Dumping me mere minutes before my ex-boyfriend’s wedding wasn’t enough for you? Now you want me to confess to my ex that I was so desperate to keep my dignity ever-so-slightly intact that I made my best friend dress up and pretend to be you?”

“Well, yes, actually,” he says, leaning back in his chair. “That’s exactly what I want.”

Hmm… Risk public humiliation at the hands of my ex-boyfriend or face a two-million dollar lawsuit? The sort of quandary single girls everywhere must face on a daily basis.

“Fine,” I say, trying to plaster a fake smile onto my face. “If I tell Trip everything and completely humiliate myself, will you then drop the lawsuit?”

“Sure, Brooke,” he says, putting his hands behind his head. “Sure I will.”

“Shake on it?” I ask, thrusting my hand out for him to shake.

“I have a better idea,” Douglas says, and pulls my hand so that my body goes flying across his desk. I fall on top of his desk and try to use my other hand to get back up. “Now, this is more like it,” he says, leaning over me. “ This is what I call a negotiation.”

“You disgust me,” I say, pulling away and struggling to stand upright. I straighten my suit and spin on my heel.

“You’ll come back, Brooke,” Douglas says as I walk out of his office. “You always do.”

“Trip,” I say to my ex-boyfriend, “we need to talk.”

We’re on the set of his latest film. You know-the one that’s starring his movie-star wife and is about a woman who goes to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding? Yes, that’s the one. The one that’s all about my life.

Long story.

“I don’t have time to talk, Brooke,” he says, ever the uber-agent to the stars. “If you haven’t noticed, we’re trying to make a movie here.”

“About that,” I say. “There’s something you need to know.”

“Oh, no,” Trip says. “Has the screenplay been leaked on the Internet?”

“No. Trip, listen to me. It’s about Douglas. Well, not Douglas, but… Okay, let me start over. Douglas-I mean, the person who you think is Douglas-isn’t Douglas. That’s why the real Douglas is suing us.”

“What are you talking about, Brooke?” Trip says, putting down his clipboard and giving me his full attention.

“Well, there was a Douglas. A Scottish guy I was living with. But we weren’t engaged when I told you we were-in fact, we were never engaged-and he broke up with me just seconds before your wedding. I didn’t know what to do. I had nowhere to live-thank goodness for Vanessa-and my life was turned upside down. You see, I thought that I had to go to your wedding with some gorgeous Scottish guy just to show you up, but now I realize that none of it really mattered.”

“But you did bring a Scottish guy to my wedding,” Trip says, furrowing his brow. “You mean to tell me that you were able to find another Scottish guy to come with you to my wedding?”

“Right,” I say, “about that. That was Jack, a friend of mine from work. He faked the accent. And the Scottish back story. And we rented the kilt. We even bought a fake engagement ring at a costume shop.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Trip says. “This has got to be a joke.”

“It’s not,” I say, wishing that it was, in fact, a joke. “I brought Jack and he pretended to be Douglas. Everything worked out in the end because Jack and I ended up getting together and now we’re engaged for real, but that’s why Douglas is suing us. All of us.”

“You’re serious about all this?” Trip says.

“Yes,” I say slowly. “And now you know everything.”

“Okay,” he says just as slowly. “But, what I don’t understand is why you did it. Why couldn’t you just tell me that you and Douglas broke up? I would have let you bring Jack to the wedding anyway if you wanted to.”

“Well, we have always had a competitive relationship,” I say.

“No, we didn’t, Brooke,” he says, grabbing my hand. “You could never really compete with me.”

“Yes, well, anyway,” I continue, releasing my hand from his grasp. “The point is, I was trying to keep my dignity ever-so-slightly intact. I felt humiliated. And I thought that if I showed up alone, I’d be even more humiliated. Do you understand?”

“Yes, of course I understand,” Trip says and throws a compassionate arm around my shoulder. “I would never want you to feel humiliated or like a loser.”

“Just humiliated,” I say. “I said I’d be humiliated. I didn’t say loser.”

“The point is,” Trip says, “you know I love you, Brooke, and I would never do anything to embarrass you or hurt you.”

“Really?” I say. “That’s so sweet of you.”

“Really, Brooke.”

“That’s great to hear,” I say. “So, then the movie’s off?”

“Oh, hell no,” Trip says and my mouth drops to the ground. “Are you kidding me? I finally have my hook. We’re going to make this thing a hilarious romantic comedy. I’m going to have my people put a call into Sandler.”

“What?”

“Adam Sandler in a kilt,” Trip says. “Non-stop hilarity!”

“You’re still making the movie?” I say. “After everything you just said?”

“Of course I am, Brooke.”

“But what about not humiliating me?” I ask. “About never doing anything to hurt me?”

“Well, Brooke,” Trip says, furrowing his brow as if he’s on an after-school special and is about to tell me the lesson I should have learned. “My grandfather always said that the only person who can embarrass you is you.”

“Your grandfather was wrong.”

“Now that I know everything,” Trip explains, “the movie finally has what it needs! So, it doesn’t even matter that there’s a massive lawsuit against us. It’s okay, because now I have a killer plot. And since this thing is going to be a huge blockbuster, the production company’s lawyers will even represent you, since you gave us all of this great material.”