Brenda Janowitz: Based On A True Story

“Trip, I thought you told me that I couldn’t sue you for making a movie out of my life?” I ask.

“Didn’t you get an A in torts?” Trip asks. “I got a C, but I still remembered that a private citizen can sue for their rights of privacy.”

“I knew you were wrong!” I said. “I just had too much wine and got confused.”

“Or maybe,” he says, “it’s just that you’re not really a better lawyer than me after all.”

I think but don’t say: “No. I still am.”

“That’s why I took you guys out to Pastis that night,” he says, leaning back in his chair. “I thought I had your consent. And Douglas’s, too.”

“I never consented to anything,” I say, my hand involuntarily flying up to my chest. “But I thought it was strange that you were hounding me to go out for dinner.”

“It was my assistant who called you,” Trip points out.

“Whatever,” I say under my breath.

“The strange thing here,” Trip says, “is that you’re a named party in this lawsuit, too. Which means that your fiancé has just served you a lawsuit.”

“I know,” I say, trying to formulate a reason why my fiancé might be suing me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the real Douglas wasn’t actually at that dinner. It was Jack. Pretending to be Douglas. “So, why don’t you let me call him?”

“Yes,” he says, leaning back in his chair and putting his hands behind his head. “Please do.”

“Okay,” I say, nodding my head towards the door. Trip doesn’t take the hint. “Okay, so I’ll call you later after I’ve had a chance to sort all of this out.”

Trip nods enthusiastically, still not getting the hint.

“So,” I say, “you should leave now.”

“Oh, yes,” he says, “of course.”

Trip finally leaves my office and I prepare to call “Douglas.”

Instead I call Jack.

“Ohmigod! Douglas is suing me!”

“Who is this?” Jack says. I’m pretty sure I can tell that he’s smiling broadly on the other end of the line.

“Can you please be serious for a second?” I say, jumping up from my desk and closing my office door shut with my foot. “I’m being sued !”

“Well, first of all,” Jack says. “For a lawyer, you don’t react very well to conflict. Or to potential litigation. Where’s the fight in you, Brooke?”

“Jack, I am being serious here. What am I going to do? I’ve never been sued before!”

“But you’ve been involved in tons of lawsuits before. So you know that most lawsuits end up settling. He must be looking for money. How much is he suing for?”

“Two million dollars.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jack says letting out a huge sigh.

“Um, okay, not helping.”

“I can give you a really big discount on my fees if you want me to represent you,” Jack says, still smiling. Okay, I know I can’t see if he’s smiling, but I just know.

“Still not helping.”

“Well, you’re going to need a lawyer,” Jack says. “Actually, should I be billing you right now?”

“Not! Helping!”

“Okay,” he says. “Then how’s this: Let me make a few calls and try to find you a lawyer-one who’s not actually involved in this whole thing-and in the meantime, maybe you should go speak to Douglas. Maybe if you tell him what happened, he’ll drop the lawsuit.”

“You’ve met Douglas,” I say, “haven’t you? He’s not exactly the kind, understanding type.”

“Well,” Jack says, “then the other option would be to go and tell Trip the truth. That you and Douglas broke up on the eve of his wedding so you brought me instead and made me wear a kilt and speak with a Scottish accent in an effort to pretend I was Douglas. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe that would be best. If you explain it to him now, he’ll realize this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. And ultimately, if you can get him on your side instead of Douglas’s, it’ll make Trip a lot less likely to counter-sue you for making misrepresentations to him. If you and Trip can stay aligned, you have a much better chance of fighting Douglas. Just call Trip.”

“Okay,” I say.

“Okay, you’re going to talk to Trip? That was easy.”

“What?” I ask, beginning to shut my computer down. “Oh, God, no. I’m going to go and yell at Douglas.”

“Well, this is unexpected,” my ex-boyfriend Douglas says, and he’s right. The last time we saw each other, I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t want to marry him and that I never wanted to see him again. So, under normal circumstances, it would be curious that I’m here.

But under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have to be here. Up until one day ago, I was one-hundred percent sure that I’d be keeping my promise-I had no intention of ever seeing Douglas again.

“How is this unexpected?” I ask through gritted teeth. “You’re suing me!” He doesn’t get up from his desk like he normally would when a lady enters a room. He stays planted behind it, using it as a shield.

The coward.

“You broke up with me and refused to talk to me,” Douglas says matter-of-factly, picking a pen up from his desk and then examining it. He’s calm, cool. Which has the effect of making me even more angry than I was when I marched in. (And, yes, you read that correctly, I didn’t walk in, I marched .)

“No, you broke up with me by getting engaged to another woman!” I say, voice rising higher and higher with each word that comes out of my mouth. “It was only after you tried to humiliate me at my ex-boyfriend’s wedding that you even wanted me back.”

“That’s not true,” he says. “That’s not true at all. I realized that you were the one and so I came to the wedding as a romantic gesture.”

“If only that were true,” I say. “After I said ‘no,’ did you get back together with Beryl?”

Yes, Douglas broke up with me and got engaged to a woman named Beryl. I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that he was cheating on me, or the fact that it was with a woman named Beryl.

“Right,” he says.

“Right,” I say back.

“Right.”

“Right,” I say, but then realize I have no idea what we’re even saying “right” to anymore. In fact, I think that he’s saying “right” to something completely different than what I’m saying “right” to. And clearly, you want your “rights” to be right. Right? “Wait? What are we even talking about here? Why are you suing me?!”

“Because you’re writing a movie about my life,” he says, hands folded neatly on top of his desk. Then, looking me dead in the eye he says: “What, you didn’t think I’d find out?”

And, no, the truth is I didn’t think he’d find out. A tiny little part of me (the very, very stupid and naive part, I’m now figuring out) thought that Trip and his wife could just make their little movie about my life quietly and no one would ever be the wiser. Not Douglas, and certainly not Trip.

But the more I think about it, I realize that this is all because of that clip on Entertainment Now . If Ava hadn’t gone on Entertainment Now to announce plans of this film, none of this would have happened! Douglas wouldn’t have found out that my ex-boyfriend was making a movie out of my life and he would never have sued me. This is all Rachel Star’s fault! Damn you, Rachel Star! Why do you have to be so damned perky and report the entertainment news so well?! That’s it-from now on, I am boycotting that show. Yes, from now on, I will only watch Inside Hollywood ! But I digress.

“ I’m not doing anything. How would I write a movie and get it produced? Why would I write a movie? I’m a lawyer,” I say. “It’s Trip. My ex-boyfriend, Trip, is writing the movie as a star vehicle for his wife, Ava. Remember Trip? If you’d just come with me to his wedding last spring, none of this would have ever happened.”