Belinda Roberts - Mr. Darcy Goes Overboard - A Tale of Tide & Prejudice

“Sorry I didn’t make the Harbour Swim—but, you know with Darcy around, who knows what might have happened. Best to keep out of shark-infested waters!”

There was the evocative sound of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons “Allegro” from Jane’s phone. Jane went over to the rock pools to read the message. Lizzy could tell at once it was not good news and excused herself from the luscious Wickham.

“It is from Cazza,” said Jane. “Look.”

Hey, Jane—jtlyk all off to London 2 party. Not back for yonks. Chas in lve with Darcy’s sister, Georgiana… wedng on way?!! Muchos love, Cazza :)

“The cow!” Lizzy could not help herself. “She just wants to take Bingley away from you. I could strangle her with her own Boden tights!”

Charlotte Lucas’s generous ear to Mr Collins had, in Lizzy’s mind, a most startling outcome. The two girls had taken the topper out and were enjoying a blustery sail about the estuary when Charlotte felt the moment had come to confide in her best friend.

“Dear Lizzy…”

“Ready about!” called Lizzy.

“I have some news for you,” continued Lottie as she prepared to go about.

“Lee ho!” shouted Lizzy, pushing the tiller hard away from her and swinging the boat into wind and onto a port tack.

“…some news which may surprise you,” continued Lottie as she ducked under the boom. “I am engaged to Mr Collins.”

On this pronouncement of such monstrous news, the topper gybed alarmingly as Lizzy uncharacteristically lost control, and both girls were tossed into the sea. The little topper had turned turtle, and as the girls busied themselves righting the craft, the extraordinary conversation continued.

“Engaged to Mr Collins?” cried Lizzy, astounded. She stood on the upturned hull and, with Lottie’s assistance, managed to pull the boat so that the mainsail came up and lay flapping on the water. The news was so astonishing to Lizzy and the physical exertion so great that, standing on the centreboard and heaving on the side of the boat, she could not help crying out, “Lottie—impossible!”

As she gave true vent to her feelings, Lizzy simultaneously pulled with such vehemence that the boat righted itself too fast and went directly over onto the other side.

“No, I am afraid not,” said Lottie, swimming round to help Lizzy pull the boat upright again. “I see what you are feeling. You must be surprised—only this morning Mr Collins was wishing to marry you. But I am not romantic.” Lizzy and Lottie righted the boat at last, toppled in, and sat with the sail flapping as Lottie tried to explain to her astonished friend. “He is not a sensible man, nor agreeable; his society is irksome, but all I ask is for a comfortable home; and considering Mr Collins’s situation, I am convinced that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast on entering the marriage state.”

“But what about your career? University?”

“My dear Lizzy. My purpose for university would be only to secure a career or a husband. Both are not necessary, and indeed, often cancel each other out. Since I already have the husband in hand, I have no need for university or career.”

Lizzy was defeated. She pulled at the sheet, set the boat on a starboard tack, smiled as best as she could at her friend, and replied kindly, “Undoubtedly, my dear Charlotte.”

As they sailed past The Ferry Inn, they saw Mr Collins enjoying a Bloody Mary. He smiled at Lottie and blew her a kiss, only briefly glancing, with a triumphant smirk, at Lizzy. How sweet was a jilted lover’s revenge!

Sir William Lucas was triumphant in Lottie’s engagement. Mrs Bennet was furious. Lady Lucas enjoyed her visits to 3 Island Street all the more, since in time her daughter would inherit it. Mr Collins—the cause of all the upset—departed for Rosings to tell Lady Catherine the good news.

Hey, Jane.—jtlyk having g8 time in London. Chas and Georgiana v close! Wedng bells rngng! Muchos love, Cazza :)

“Yo, gals! Why the miserable faces?”

The jolly smile of Wickham revived the spirits of Jane and Lizzy as they sat dangling their legs over the quayside, trying to catch crabs with bits of bacon strung to fishing lines whilst pondering this latest evil missive from Cazza Bingley. Jane was still determined to think well of her; Lizzy could only think ill and was sure Chas was still as crazy as ever about her sister. But it was strange, she must confess, for Bingley to have left so suddenly and without even saying good-bye.

“Caught one!” cried Lizzy, diverted by an encrusted crab that had just grabbed hold of her bait. Wickham gallantly attempted to remove the crustacean from her hook but in doing so was pinched viciously.

“Why! It’s a damn Darcy of a crab!” he cried, letting go. And so the conversation turned to Mr Darcy, what an appalling cad he was, and how nobody, apart from Jane, who could criticise nobody, had a good word to say about him. In short, he was universally despised.

Mrs Bennet’s misery was soon to be diverted by the arrival of her brother, Mr Gardiner, his wife, Mrs Gardiner, and a lively bunch of nephews and nieces. Aunt G was a great favourite of Jane and Lizzy, and despite their mother’s complaining how both had been nearly married—or at least had a boyfriend—and now neither were and neither had even a boyfriend, they managed to escape from time to time for a session at the lively Fortescue Inn, where over a bottle of blush and a game of pool, they talked of university options. After the merits of Durham, Bristol, Exeter, York, St Andrews, Oxford, King’s College, London, Edinburgh, Plymouth, Bath, and Brighton had been discussed at length, the last ball potted, and Jane had left temporarily to wash her hands, the talk turned to love.

“But Bingley is completely and utterly crazy about her, Aunt G!” said Lizzy, sitting down at a small wooden table and drawing up another stool for her aunt. Lizzy was anxious for her wise aunt to understand the situation clearly.

“Many a young man declares himself crazy about a pretty girl one week and then another the next,” demurred Aunt G.

“Yes, but this is the real thing,” insisted Lizzy, leaning forward. “He is insanely in love. Anyone could see that. He hangs on Jane’s every word, follows her around like a devoted spaniel, ignores all the other Salcombe babes.”

“So why has he abandoned her?”

“Because his sister and the despicable Darcy think she is not good enough for him. They have stolen Bingley away!”

Aunt G gasped at this revelation, recovering only just in time to welcome Jane back to the table, where the evening took a very merry turn as they were joined by the jovial Wickham. Another bottle of blush led to some jolly banter. Aunt G could not fail to notice the glow that passed between Lizzy and Wickham. Common ground in knowledge of the late Mr Darcy was found between Wickham and Aunt G, which led to much discourse about Darcy’s father—a fine old gentleman both agreed—and of his proud, ill-natured boy, of whose characteristics Wickham was quite clear, and Aunt G had to search her memory banks to see if she could recall what the boy was like, but was guided by Wickham until at last she did vaguely recall that he might have been proud and ill-natured. Last orders were called, and the four returned in a slightly unsteady state to 3 Island Street for coffee, where lively conversation continued until the early hours.

Mr Collins returned. He had the blessing of Lady Catherine de Brrr to marry and was keen to get on with things. Although there had already been four weddings and a funeral at Salcombe church that week, the vicar, once assured by Sir William Lucas that all the correct procedures had been completed, agreed to squeeze in one more wedding for Mr Collins and his fiancée. After the ceremony, the glowing groom whisked his young bride away to Hunsford. Throughout the whole affair, Lizzy tried to be happy for her friend, but she actually felt sick. How could Lottie have sacrificed herself in such a way? Still, they promised to text regularly, though Lizzy felt the intimacy had gone out of the relationship with such a barrier as Mr Collins between them.