Barbara Delinsky: Not My Daughter

She had been more adventurous with the inside colors, going deeper in some rooms, wilder in others. Then came the attic, its newly installed skylights shaded by the crown of a hundred-year-old oak. At the back, under rafters painted sky blue with clouds, was a playroom. At the front was her studio. It was fuchsia.

This was what Susan studied now. "Too much?" she asked the others.

"Actually not," Kate decided.

"It's very you," Sunny said.

Pam had her hands on her hips, which were otherwise lost under a paint-spattered shirt. "You deserve this, Susan. You were so disciplined downstairs."

"Excuse me. Our bedroom is burgundy. Rick says he loves it, but is he just being kind? I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't only me anymore."

"It was never only you. It was Lily, too."

"But this house is half Rick's."

Kate guffawed. "The man is so in love with you, he'd let you paint the place neon green , if that was what you wanted."

Susan smiled. She had been in denial for so long that the reality of Rick continued to amaze her.

"Come on, Susan," Sunny teased softly. "Admit it. You love being married."

Susan sighed. "I do. It was a long time coming. Maybe I grew up enough."

"Maybe he did, too," Pam remarked.

Kate refastened her hair, one strand of which now matched the wall. "He was cute, living with you all those weeks, like he was going to prove that it'd work before he popped the question."

"I'm not sure it was deliberate," Susan mused. "It just crept up on both of us. Our living together definitely helped when the obvious finally hit. Still, things are different when you're married. It's final. When we get in each other's way, we have to deal. It's not like he'll be leaving in a day or two, like he always did before. I mean, obviously, he still travels," she drawled with a quick look at her watch. Rick had been on special assignment in London and was due back momentarily. Though he had been gone for only three days, she was impatient to see him. Thinking about that, she cried, "I've grown totally dependent. How pathetic is that?"

"Dependent doesn't have to be bad."

"It's scary," Susan insisted.

"For what it's worth," said Kate, "he's grown just as dependent on you. It's sweet to see."

"Well, that raises a whole other issue. I have a partner now, so my life is easier. Lily's is harder."

"Not your doing," Sunny reminded her.

"No, but it's hard to watch. I swear, Rick and I discuss this every single day when our instinct would be to just pitch in and do. Lily has to learn to care for her son without assuming we'll always be there. But I have so much more help now than I ever did that I feel guilty."

"Really." This from Kate. "There are times when I stand in my bedroom listening to the baby cry. I want to go to him, but-same thing-I know it wouldn't be good for Mary Kate. She has to do this herself."

"Isn't she?" Pam asked.

"Actually, she is. She has more strength than I'd have expected-an awful thing to say about my own child, but taking care of a baby is challenging . Will and I are still struggling with the equipment, and we've done it five times before."

"That's why you're struggling. You didn't think you'd be doing it again."

Kate lit up. "But Willie is the best thing to come along since… since Mary Kate. My boys are obsessed with him. I swear, they'll stick around even after they graduate, just to grow up with that child."

"If they stick around, it's a tribute to you," Susan said, to which Kate gave a wry smile.

"Some tributes I can do without. I still wish Mary Kate had started college, but she isn't ready, I understand that. She'll start in January, and even then she's going to have trouble leaving the baby in day care. So here's another thing I feel guilty about. I ought to offer to take him for a day or two. I know she'd be happier if he were with me. But I work. I need to work. I want to work. I suppose that what I earn will offset the cost of day care; still, I worry about it."

"At least Jacob's helping," Sunny reminded her. "Adam is long gone. He won't be coming back much."

"Has he admitted he was the one?" Susan asked.

"No. He never will."

"Do you know that he is?"

"Jessica says so, and his parents are so quick to walk the other way when I come near, that I think they know it, too."

"How can they not be curious?"

"What kind of people would deny their own grandson?"

Sunny held up a let's not go there hand. "Dan periodically suggests taking him to court to force a paternity test, but to what good? I agree with Jessica on this. If Adam wants no part of the baby, we're better off without him. Besides, do I want him butting into our lives? N-O. Adam isn't the nice guy Robbie is. You're lucky, Susan. Robbie's there just enough, gone just enough."

"Is Lily warming to him?" Kate asked.

"She likes him a lot. She always did. And now? She's impressed with how good he is with Noah and how well he handles his mother-who, by the way, is curious. She and Bill drop over once a week. But does Lily want to marry Robbie? Not yet. They both have a lot of growing to do." She shot Pam a sheepish look. "I'm sorry. We always seem to be talking about this."

Good sport that she had become, Pam listened graciously, and though she wasn't clamoring to babysit, she went out of her way to help out with PC Wool when baby emergencies cropped up. Moreover, with Abby at college and Tanner accepting that his wife had a right to a life, she had become the face of PC Wool at trade shows. At the same time, her voice on the school board continued to grow. Two of the men, Morgan and Lombard, had decided not to run again, so she was recruiting replacements, and the initiative was self-perpetuating. The more she spoke up, the more people listened, and the stronger she grew. It was about self-confidence. She didn't work as hard now at being tight with Susan, Sunny, and Kate-the upshot of which was that she more naturally fit in.

"Hey, it's okay," she said now. "I'm glad it's you guys and not me."

"What's the latest from Abby?" Kate asked. "Will they let her dump her lousy roommate?"

"No, but she's found someone to live with second semester, and she loves her classes. Fall break is next weekend. I can't wait to have her home."

Susan was looking forward to seeing her. Not that she didn't feel a quick twinge. Abby was doing what she had wanted Lily to do.

But dreams of the past were fading, those wistful moments few and far between. Lily was an attentive, capable mother, and the baby-well, the baby was a miracle. At five months, he was becoming a smiler, remarkable for an infant who had survived a life-threatening condition. His temperament had been sweet from that first little cry in the delivery room, moments after the balloon had been removed from his trachea, as if he was simply grateful to be alive.

Susan couldn't picture life without him. But then, her own life had changed so much that it was hard making comparisons to the past, period.

For one thing, her job was secure now in ways it had never been before. The town knew the worst and had stuck with her. She had proven herself under fire.

For another, there was Rick. A rock, he had remained calm through Lily's labor and Noah's surgery, and he willingly changed diapers when Lily truly needed the sleep. Likewise, he did his share of work around the house-not that he was perfect. Susan was still training him to wipe out the bathroom sink after he shaved, to take dirty towels to the laundry room, and even-Yes, Rick, that basket is full! -put the wash in himself. But if she had to be dependent on anyone, Rick was a good choice.

And then there was Susan's mom, the non-traveler who now shuttled between Oklahoma and Maine like a pro. Jack had charged Susan with making unfair demands of her, and though Ellen hadn't argued, she didn't change a thing. She seemed content in Zaganack, smiling more than Susan ever remembered her doing. She liked Susan's friends, and, now that Lily was fully recovered from childbirth and able to take care of Noah, Ellen had taken to being at the PC Wool barn with Kate. Timid about doing the actual dyeing, she busied herself with other chores at the oak table in the back. Kate and company had come to look forward to her visits.