Janelle Denison: Private Pleasures

"That's what I thought." Weary resignation laced her voice. She stepped into her teal skirt and shimmied it up those long, slender legs he'd found so enticing when they'd first met. Once they'd slept together, those limbs had become an endless source of fascination for him.

"You don't want children, do you?" she asked, an odd catch to her voice.

He dragged a hand over his jaw, despising the old, painful childhood memories creeping up on him. Memories he wanted to remain dead and buried. "I'm too old to be a father."

Her gaze captured his. He was skirting the truth, and the shrewd look in her eyes told him she knew it, too. "Too old or too scared?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he automatically responded, even as he mentally cursed her perception.

She gave a one-shoulder shrug and slipped into her sling-back pumps. "Being a parent is a scary proposition."

Caustic laughter escaped him. "Yeah, well, I'm afraid I didn't have a great role model growing up, therefore parenthood holds little appeal for me."

"I understand," she said softly as she gathered up the underthings she hadn't put on.

She didn't understand, not really, he thought a little desperately. And he didn't know how to explain emotions he hadn't thought about in over twenty years. An unhealthy bitterness toward a father who'd taken out his grudges on a little boy he'd resented from the start. And resentment toward a mother who'd been too afraid to risk her husband's contempt to protect her child from the emotional and verbal degradation Aaron Nichols had dished out.

No, Mariah would never understand, not when she'd been raised in a healthy atmosphere with traditional, honest values. Hell, he wouldn't know honorable family morals if they slapped him in the face.

A crushing pressure banded his chest. All his adult life he'd worked hard, his drive and ambition an asset to the small security company he'd built from scratch into a large corporation. He'd learned to wield control, manipulate situations to his advantage and depend on no one but himself. There was nothing he wanted that he hadn't been able to acquire.

Except now, with Mariah. He found it ironic that the one thing he wanted most he couldn't purchase with the millions his business turned over in a year's time. Mariah, it seemed, was priceless.

She turned to him, her eyes a misty blue. "I think it's best if we just end things now."

He didn't move, though his hands balled into tight fists at his sides. "Just like that, it's over?"

"We want different things from a relationship. That's obvious now. There's no sense in going any further." She took a shaky breath. "Goodbye, Grey."

He watched her walk out of his bedroom and his life, listening to the front door click behind her. He sank back onto the bed, an empty, bleak feeling consuming him. He'd spent the majority of his life alone, but he'd never felt so desolate until that very moment.

"Mariah, how long do you intend to mope around?"

Mariah glanced up from the evening news to her sister, Jade, who stood next to the couch with her hands on her skinny hips. She wore a tight leopard-skin top that hugged her curves and black spandex pants that disappeared into a pair of black leather boots. Her short golden brown hair was teased into a full style and today, thanks to the modern inventions of colored contact lenses, her eyes were a deep violet hue.

"I don't mope," Mariah mumbled. Tucking her legs under her on the couch, she wrapped her old chenille robe around her and reached for the bowl of frozen grapes on the end table. She popped one into her mouth and chewed.

"Correction. You never used to, until a week ago." Jade waved a hand in the air, and the stack of bangle bracelets on her arm tinkled with the gesture. "God, Mariah, you won't even let me erase Grey's answering machine messages because you want to hear his voice. If you haven't noticed, we've run out of tape."

Mariah chewed on another grape. "I'll buy a new one if you'll just leave me alone."

"No way. Somebody's gotta pull you out of this blue funk you're in. Just look at you," she said, shaking her head in disgust. "You're a mess. You only leave the condo to go to work, and even then you just stare off into space. And for goodness' sake, you can't live on frozen grapes alone."

She bit into another icy piece of fruit. "Why not?"

Jade gave an exasperated sigh. "I've never seen you like this before. Not even after you and Dale split up."

Her breakup with Dale had been inevitable, she'd seen that toward the end of their relationship. But with Grey the end had come so suddenly, without any warning. She loved him more than any man she'd ever had a relationship with, but in the end that hadn't been enough-for either of them. She stuffed three more grapes into her mouth.

"Riah," Jade said gently as she sat beside her sister, "even Mom and Dad are concerned about you. Especially Dad. You know how he gets when someone hurts one of his little girls. He was ready to pick up one of his shotguns and pay Grey a visit."

Mariah's head jerked up. "Tell me you're joking."

Jade shrugged, a smile tipping her mouth. "He was just feeling a little protective. He really liked Grey. We all did, and I think he had his hopes set on a wedding. And a grandchild."

Mariah groaned at her father's relentless pursuit to see his daughters married. And his continual reminder that they hadn't managed to give him any grandchildren to bounce on his knee before his arthritis got too bad. "That's not going to happen anytime soon, at least not with Grey. 'Wedding' and 'children' aren't in his vocabulary."

"If that's the case, it's time to move on to new and better adventures."

She shuddered at the thought of dating again, of trying to find someone who shared the same interests and had the same goals. Someone caring, confident, yet sensitive when it counted. Sexy didn't hurt, either, with sable hair and drown-in-them-forever brown eyes. Too late, she realized, she'd just described Grey.

"I don't want to move on," she said woefully.

Compassion softened Jade's expression. "Riah, no man is worth all this self-destruction. Take it from me. I know firsthand."

Yes, she did, Mariah thought, putting the half-eaten bowl of grapes aside. After a very rocky relationship had nearly stripped her of all confidence, Jade had pulled herself from the depths of despair and emerged as a whole new person.

Jade was right. She was wallowing in self-pity, and it changed nothing. It made her feel a little better, but it didn't alter the empty, lonely feeling inside her. No, she didn't think that would go away for a long, long time.

Taking a shaky breath, she met her sister's caring gaze. "Oh, Jade, I don't know what to do. I miss him so much it hurts. I almost don't care if he won't marry me, just so I can be with him. But then I know we'll eventually break up again, and I'll have to suffer all over."

"I know it's hard, hon," Jade said, patting her knee. "I think what you need to do is get out and meet new men so you can forget about Grey."

She pleated the end of her robe's sash. "I wish it was as easy as that."

"It is."

Mariah frowned, skeptical of the sudden enthusiastic sparkle in Jade's eyes. "It is?"

"Yep." She grinned. "First, we're going to get you a whole new look."

Mariah gulped. "We are?"

Jade nodded. "A head to toe makeover." Picking up a long strand of Mariah's blond hair, she eyed the length critically. "Have you ever thought of trying a new hairstyle, maybe cutting it shorter?"

Once, right after she'd met Grey. But when she'd mentioned it to Grey he'd balked at the suggestion, claiming how much he loved her silky long hair. Gently, but firmly, she pulled her hair from her sister's clutches. "No," she lied.

"Too bad. A shorter cut would look awesome on you." Grasping Mariah's chin between thumb and forefinger, she tilted her head up for her inspection. "You've got great cheekbones that you never take advantage of. Ever thought of colored contacts? Green would be stunning."