Lucy Gordon - Accidentally Expecting!

She said the last words with special significance, hoping he would understand, and she felt him grow still for a moment, looking at her, questioning.

Then it was over. It was time to turn and make their way out of the little chapel, followed by the family.

Instead of a wedding feast they all accompanied Dante to his room, where a smiling nurse showed them in. There was a bottle of champagne to stress that this was a party, but before long the laughter and congratulations faded, as they all remembered why Dante was there.

One by one they bid him goodbye, all of them knowing that it might be final. Hope and Toni embraced him heartily, then left them alone.

‘You must rest well,’ the nurse told him. ‘So go to bed now, and drink this.’ She held up a glass. ‘It will help you sleep.’

‘I want to stay with him,’ Ferne said.

‘Of course.’

She helped him undress, and suddenly it was as though a giant machine had taken over. It had started, and nobody could say how it was going to end.

‘I’m glad you stayed with me tonight,’ he said. ‘Because there’s still something I need to say to you. I want to ask your forgiveness.’

‘For what?’

‘For my selfishness. I’ve had a good look at myself, and I don’t like what I see. You were right when you said I shouldn’t have let you get so close without telling you the truth.’

‘We were supposed to keep it light,’ she reminded him.

‘But that wasn’t under our control. You and I could never have met without loving each other. I loved you from the start, but I wouldn’t admit it to myself. Instead I selfishly found excuses, pretending that it wasn’t what it was, and I led you into danger.’

‘Don’t talk of it as danger,’ she interrupted him. ‘You’ve been the best experience of my life, and you always will be, whatever happens. Do you understand that? Whatever happens .’

‘But say you forgive me,’ he said. ‘I need to hear you say it.’ He was already growing sleepy.

‘I’ll forgive you if you want, but there is nothing to forgive. Please-please try to understand that.’

He smiled but didn’t answer. A moment later, his eyes closed. Ferne laid her head down on the pillow beside him, watching him until her own eyes closed.

This was their wedding night.

In the morning the orderlies came to take him to the operating theatre.

‘One moment,’ Dante said frantically.

As she leaned over him, he touched her face.

‘If this should be the last time…’ he whispered.

It hit her like a blow. This might really be the last time she touched him, looked into his eyes.

‘It isn’t the last time,’ she said. ‘Whatever happens, we will always be together.’

Suddenly he reached out, as though trying to find something.

‘What is it?’

‘Your camera,’ he said. ‘The one you always keep with you.’

Now she understood. Pulling it out, she fixed it to take a picture after a few seconds’ delay, and set it up a little distance away. Then she took him into her arms, looking into his face.

His own eyes on her were quiet with a peace she had never seen in them before.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘We’ll always be together. I may not be there again, but my love will be, until the end of your life. Tell me that you know that.’

She couldn’t speak, only nod.

Then it was time. The orderlies wheeled him away. Suddenly it was all over; she might never see him alive again.

‘Suppose he dies?’ she said to Hope, distraught. ‘Dies in an operation that he only had because I made him? He might have lived for years without getting sick. If he dies, I’ll have killed him.’

‘And if it goes well, you will have saved his life and his sanity,’ Hope said firmly.

How slowly the hours passed. Many times she took out the camera and studied the last picture she’d taken. It was tiny, but she could see Dante’s face turned towards her with an expression of adoration that startled her. Had it been there before, and had she just never noticed? Would it be the last of him that she ever saw?

What had she done to him?

She seemed to see her life stretching before her, with an empty place where he should have been. There was her child, asking where her father was, and not understanding that her mother had sent him to his death.

The years would pass and their child would grow, become a success, married. But without a father to show his pride and love.

‘I took it away from him,’ she mourned.

‘No,’ Hope said. ‘You have to understand that Dante was right about doing the quick-step with fate. He’s giving himself the best chance, or rather, you’ve given it to him. You were fate’s instrument. Now it’s out of our hands.’

At last he was wheeled out of the operating theatre, his head swathed in bandages. He looked pale, ghostly, and completely unlike the Dante they knew. But he was alive.

‘It went well,’ the doctor told them. ‘He’s strong, and there were no complications, so we were able to support the wall of the weak artery with less difficulty than usual. It’s too soon for certainty, but I expect him to live.’

‘And-the other thing?’ Ferne stammered.

‘That we’ll have to wait and see. It’s a pity he delayed treatment for so long, but I’m hopeful.’

That qualification haunted her as she sat beside Dante’s bed, waiting for him to awaken. She didn’t know how long she was there. It was a long time since she’d slept, but however weary she was she knew she couldn’t sleep now.

Hour after hour passed. He lay terrifyingly still, attached to so many machines that he almost disappeared under them. Part of his face was invisible beneath the huge plug clamping his mouth and attaching him to the breathing machine.

She had seen him wicked, charming, cruel, but never until this moment had she seen him totally helpless.

Perhaps it was for ever. Perhaps she had condemned him to this, although he’d begged her not to. He’d asked her forgiveness, but now, in the long dark hours, she fervently asked for his.

‘I may have taken everything away from you,’ she whispered. ‘You tried to warn me, but now, if your life is ruined, it’s my fault. Forgive me. Forgive me.’

He lay motionless and silent. The only sound in the room was the machine helping him to breathe.

Dawn broke, and she realised that she’d been there all night. A doctor came to detach the breathing machine, saying, ‘Let’s see how well he manages without it.’

Ferne stood well back while the plug was removed from his mouth and the machine pulled away. There was a pause, while time seemed to stop, then Dante gave a small choke and drew in a long breath.

‘Excellent,’ the doctor declared. ‘Breathing normal.’

‘How long before he comes round?’ Ferne asked.

‘He needs a bit longer.’

He departed and she settled back beside the bed, taking Dante’s hand in hers.

‘You’ve made a great start,’ she told him.

Could he hear her? she wondered. Hearing was supposed to outlast all the other senses. Perhaps if she could reach him now she could even help to keep his brain strong.

‘It’s going to be all right,’ she said, leaning close. ‘You’re going to wake up and be just the same as I’ve always known you-scheming, manipulative, dodgy, a man to be avoided by a woman with any sense. But I’ve never had any sense where you were concerned. I should have given in the first day, shouldn’t I? Except that I think I did, and much good it did me. Do you remember?’

He lay still, giving no sign of hearing.

She went on talking, not knowing what she said or how much time passed. The words didn’t matter. Most of them were nonsense, the kind of nonsense they had always talked-but he must surely hear the underlying message, which was an impassioned plea to him to return to her.