Lucy Gordon - Accidentally Expecting!

He drew her into the apartment, and enfolded her in his arms again.

‘Thank God you’re here,’ he said, words that carried her to the heights.

But his next words dashed her down again.

‘I’ve longed to see you just once more. We parted badly, and it was my fault. Now at least there can be peace between us.’

So in that he hadn’t changed. He was no longer denying his love, but in the long term he was still determined to keep apart from her.

She took a deep breath. Relief at finding him here had undermined her resolution, but now the moment had arrived.

‘It isn’t that simple,’ she said, stepping back and regarding him with loving eyes. ‘Something’s happened. I came to tell you about it-but then I’ll go away if you like, and you need never see me again.’

His mouth twisted. ‘That doesn’t work very well.’

‘No, with me neither, but when you hear what I have to say you might be so angry that you want me to leave.’

‘Nothing could make me angry with you.’

‘You were once.’

‘I stopped being angry a long time ago. Most of it was aimed at myself. I forced you into an impossible situation, I know that. I should have stayed clear of you from the start.’

‘It’s too late for that. The time we had together has left me with more than memories.’ Seeing him frown, she said, ‘I’m going to have a baby, Dante.’

Just for a moment she saw joy on his face, but it was gone in an instant, as though he’d quenched it forcibly.

‘Are you sure?’ he breathed.

‘There’s no doubt. I did a test, and then I came here to tell you, because you have the right to know. But that’s it. I don’t expect you to react in a conventional way because I know you can’t.’

‘Wait, wait!’ he said fiercely. ‘I need time to take this in. You can’t just-A baby! Dear God!’

‘I did dare to hope you’d be pleased,’ she said sadly. ‘But I suppose you can’t be.’

‘Pleased-at bringing another child into the world to spend a lifetime wondering what was happening inside him? I thought we were safe, that you were taking care; hell, I don’t know what I thought. But I always swore I’d never father a child.’

‘Well, you’ve fathered one,’ she said quietly. ‘We have to go on from there. You can’t turn the clock back.’

‘There is one way.’

‘No,’ she said firmly. ‘Don’t even mention that. If you think for a moment that I could destroy your child, you don’t begin to know me. I told you I love you, but I could easily hate you if you ask me to do that.’

But she couldn’t stay angry as she looked at him, saddened by the confusion in his face. He’d always insisted on being in control, quick-stepping with fate to the edge, but now he’d reached an edge he’d never dreamed of and he was lost. The thought gave her an idea.

‘Fate doesn’t always do what we expect,’ she said, slipping her arms about his neck. ‘It’s had this waiting for you quite a while, and it’s probably been laughing up its sleeve, thinking it’s found the way to defeat you. But we’re not going to let it win.’

He rested his forehead against hers. ‘Doesn’t fate always win?’ he whispered.

‘That depends who you have fighting with you.’ She stepped back, taking his hand and laying it over her stomach. ‘You’re not alone any more. There are two of us backing you up now.’

He stared. ‘Two?’

‘Two people fighting on your side.’ She gave a faint smile at the stunned look on his face, and pointed to her stomach. ‘There is actually someone in there, you know. A person. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s yours, and it’s as ready to defend you as I am. When you get to know each other, you’ll be the best of friends.’

He was very still, and she sensed him holding his breath as he struggled to come to terms with ideas that had always been alien to him.

‘It won’t be easy,’ she urged, speaking with gentle persistence. ‘It may have your family’s inherited illness, so we’ll find out, and if the news is bad at least you’ll be there to help. You can explain things that nobody else can. The two of you will probably form an exclusive society that shuts me out, but I won’t mind, because you’ll have each other, and that’s all you’ll really need.’

‘No,’ he said softly. ‘Never shutting you out, because we can’t manage without you. But, my love, you don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for.’

‘Yes, I do: a life of worry, always wondering how long the happiness will last.’

‘If you know that-’

‘But the other choice is a life without you, and I choose you. I choose you for me and as a father for our child, because nobody else can be the father you can. Nobody else knows the secrets you do.’

He held her close, where she belonged, where she’d dreamed of being all the long, lonely weeks. They neither kissed nor caressed, but stood still and silent, rediscovering each other’s warmth, coming home. At last he led her into the bedroom and drew her down onto the bed.

‘Don’t worry,’ he said quickly. ‘I won’t try to make love to you.’

‘Darling, it’s all right,’ she said shakily. ‘I’m in the early stages. It’s quite safe.’

‘Safe,’ he whispered. ‘What does “safe” mean? You can never be sure, can you? And we won’t take any risks.’ He gave a sharp, self-critical laugh. ‘Listen to me, talking about not taking risks. But I’m such a selfish beggar; I’ve never had to think about anyone else’s health before. I guess I’ll have to get working on that.’

She kissed him in a passion of tenderness.

‘You’re almost there now,’ she murmured.

‘Almost?’

‘There’s something I want you to do,’ she said, speaking quietly, although her heart was beating hard. ‘We’re going to find out the truth about your condition. I can’t live with the uncertainty.’

‘And if the worst is true?’ he asked slowly.

‘Then we’ll face it. Not just for our sake, but for our child’s too. This is your baby, born into the same heritage, and I want to know what it may face. If I don’t know the truth, I shall worry myself sick, and that isn’t a good thing for the baby. Do this for me, my love.’

In the long silence she sensed his agony and enfolded him protectively, trying to speak of her love without words.

‘Be a little patient,’ he begged at last. ‘Don’t ask me just yet.’

She understood. She was asking him to overturn the rules on which his whole life had been lived, and it was hard. All his major decisions had been taken alone. Now she’d told him that he had two supporters, but he was still struggling to adjust to that idea, or even understand it.

‘Take your time,’ she whispered.

They slept without making love, and when she woke at first light it was no surprise to find him sitting by the window, as he had often done before. She went to join him, sitting quietly. He didn’t turn his head, but his fingers entwined with hers.

‘It’s still waiting there,’ he said, indicating the silent volcano. ‘I guess it finally gave me the rumble I wasn’t prepared for. And, as I always feared, I have no answer. Why don’t you despise me, run a mile, kick me out of your life?’

‘Because without you I’d get bored,’ she said, with a note of their old teasing. ‘And, when our child asks where Daddy is, what do I tell her?’

‘Say you chucked him out with the rest of the rubbish. Or you might recycle me into a sensible man.’

‘Then how would I know it was you?’ she asked with a hint of a chuckle.

‘And what’s this her business? Since when did she become a girl?’

‘I’ve decided it’s going to be a girl. We’re better at being practical.’