Rebecca Winters: And Baby Makes Three

‘Yes.’

‘And it left you sterile?’

‘Yes.’ His voice was almost inaudible.

‘That day you turned up suddenly, it wasn’t an accident, was it?’

‘No.’

‘How long had you known about Mike?’

‘Only a short time. Hal showed me a picture of his family and you were in it. He told me about Mike and I realised-’

‘That he was your son.’

‘I thought he could be. Hal mentioned his birthday party, and the date told me he’d been born nine months after we were together.’

‘You remembered the date that well? Oh, but of course-it was three days after the race in Japan, so naturally you’d remember. How convenient.’

He winced at her coldly ironic tone.

‘I’ve never known you like this before. It isn’t you.’

She rose and confronted him, meeting his eyes directly. ‘How would you know, Jared? You have no idea who the real me is. All you know is the compliant me, ready to do or be anything you want because when you’re there she can’t think straight. But this is me too-a woman who doesn’t like being taken for a fool.’

‘I didn’t-’

‘Don’t lie to me. Why did you suddenly turn up after years when you hadn’t shown any curiosity?’

‘I had no idea that I’d left you pregnant.’

‘And of course you couldn’t go back to find all the girls you’d snapped your fingers at-even if you could remember them all.’

‘I told you I thought I’d stopped in time, and then I never heard from you-but it was my fault. I was careless.’

‘And then you heard about Mike and you realised that everything might not be over. You even spied on me. That day in the school car park, I thought I imagined that I saw you-but you were there, watching me.’

‘I wanted to be sure I’d got the right person,’ he groaned.

‘Why didn’t you tell me the truth?’ she asked desperately.

‘Do you imagine I could have?’

‘ Yes! Perhaps not at first, but later. It’s what you’d have done if we’d been as close as I thought we were. But I see now that we weren’t. All this time you’ve been playing a clever game to pull me in, so that you can use me to claim your property. I have something you want, and you worked out how to get it. That’s what you always do. Remember telling me that?’

‘That may have been true once,’ he said. ‘And I won’t deny that Mike is my best chance of being a father, and that’s why I approached you at first. But only at first. Kaye, for pity’s sake, don’t you remember how things were between us from the moment we met again?’

‘No!’ she cried in pain. ‘I only remember how you made me think they were. But it was all lies. Everything was lies. Even when-’

She stopped, choked by her tears.

‘I swear it wasn’t,’ he said passionately. ‘When I said I loved you I was telling the truth. When we met again, I never dreamed it would be like this between us. I thought it was all over, but then I knew it was you I wanted. Not just for Mike, but because you’re the one. I love you. I’ve never said it before-not meaning it, anyway. With the others it was just a form of showbiz, but with you it’s real.’

With all her soul she longed to believe him. But his betrayal of her trust was a torture that she couldn’t get past.

‘I don’t believe you,’ she said stubbornly. ‘This is just part of the act.’

‘Don’t say that!’ he cried. ‘I know I should have told you the truth before. All this time I’ve been trying to find the right moment, and I nearly managed it, but then you said you wanted more children and I backed off because I was scared.’

‘You? Scared? Don’t make me laugh.’

‘Scared. Terrified. You can’t imagine. When you said that I saw myself as I must look to a woman now: useless, half-crippled, empty. Not a real man. Of course you want more children. You’re a mother, with a mother’s instinct, and you want a man who can help you fulfil that instinct. But I can’t.’ His voice rose in anguish. ‘Don’t you understand that?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘That’s not what you said then.’

‘ Nothing would matter if you’d told me the truth, because we would have been so close that I wouldn’t have cared about anything else. But you kept apart with your secret, and now I don’t know who you are.’

As if from a great distance she saw a terrible look on his face: blank, despairing, helpless.

Why, she thought desperately, didn’t his words affect her? Why didn’t her love cause her heart to melt for him? But she felt as though a cage had slammed shut, trapping her inside. She was blind and deaf to his suffering, knowing only one thing: he had lied to her, tricked her. In her present bitter state, it seemed that never for one moment had he been honest with her. And that meant there was only a wilderness between them.

She began to walk back and forth, arms folded across her chest as though to protect herself from something, seeking a way out of the misery that engulfed her. But there was no way.

‘So many things have suddenly become clear,’ she said. ‘When you had that nightmare you asked what you’d said in your sleep. You kept insisting. I didn’t understand, but you were afraid you’d given away the secret, weren’t you?’

Dumbly, he nodded.

‘It was always there,’ she continued. ‘Behind every thought or word or action. Always you were having to keep the important part of yourself to one side, never letting me suspect it. In the end it became you. The real you. And I never guessed.’

She rubbed her hand over her eyes. ‘I think you should go now.’

‘How can I leave things like this?’

‘I don’t think either of us has a choice. We can’t settle anything tonight, and you have a heavy day tomorrow. You’ve got to win that race.’

He stared at her. Did she really think he cared about that?

‘Kaye-’

‘Please go.’ She opened the door and stood beside it until he walked past into the corridor. But at the last moment he stopped and tried to reach for her.

‘Kaye, please-’

‘Goodnight, Jared.’

He was facing a closed door.

Her dread, as she went to the track next morning, was that Tony Williams might be there. She couldn’t see him, but for safety’s sake she maintained a normal air-talking, smiling, working as usual.

Jared did the same, speaking to her politely about some meaningless subject before heading for the car. As he walked his heart was beating with tension, for he knew that something was badly wrong.

In the past one of his strengths had been his clarity of vision, as though the mere act of racing gave his eyes a new sharpness-not physical, but springing from the inner conviction that here he was king. The outside world vanished and the only reality was the track ahead, leading him on to inevitable victory.

But now that clarity had gone, leaving only confusion. Where was he-and why? The engineer spoke on his radio.

‘Time to move. Good luck.’

Suddenly he couldn’t think of the words to say, so he raised his fist in a gesture of agreement. First the warm-up lap. Useful. It would give his mind a chance to clear. Functioning on automatic, he went round the track until he reached the start again, and then settled in pole position.

What was Kaye doing at this moment? Watching him, as she always did? Or standing back, rejecting him in her heart as well as her mind? He tried to thrust her away. This was his world and he must concentrate. But it was desolate without her, and the track ahead was still vague.

A yell. The moment had come. The five hanging lights went out, and they were off. From the corner of his eye he could see Gary, trying to edge ahead by the first bend. His rival was still in a sulphurous temper-something which once would have delighted him, for he liked nothing better than a challenge.