Rebecca Winters: And Baby Makes Three

‘I hope he’s better soon,’ Mr Vanner said worriedly. ‘We’re flying to Germany in a couple of days.’

But his brow cleared next morning when Jared appeared, fully recovered, pleasant and smiling. It might all never have happened.

Kaye couldn’t forget how she’d been relegated to the outside, yet Jared seemed intent on making it up to her-often clasping her hand out of sight of the others, and smiling at her in a way that reminded her of the world they shared.

In Germany he achieved the fastest time in the qualifying laps, securing pole position for himself, and beating Gary into second place on the grid.

That night they dined alone and quietly. When they went to bed he didn’t try to make love, but slept with his hand on her, as though afraid she would vanish.

Next day the race went well. Jared led all the way, outwitting all attempts to overtake him until the very last bend, when a sudden frisson went through the team watching on screen. Gary was trying to edge past in a highly dangerous manner.

‘He’s going to make Jared crash,’ one of the Cannonball team said furiously. ‘Trying to force him into that wall if he doesn’t give way.’ He seized the microphone and barked into it. ‘Let him pass, man. It’s not worth dying for.’

But Jared either didn’t hear or was in another universe. He drove on, not wavering, refusing to budge, until Gary gave up and fell behind again. A few moments later Jared shot over the line, to the deafening cheers of the crowd and the roars of his team.

‘I’ll swear that man isn’t afraid of anything,’ Mr Vanner muttered. ‘Did you ever see anything like that?’

Kaye couldn’t answer. The violence of her own feelings terrified her. Jared’s icy courage, his obstinate refusal to yield, might have cost him his life. Knowing that, he hadn’t flinched. Now that it was over the truth hit her hard, and her heart was thundering.

She stayed quiet during the evening’s celebrations. At dinner the television was on, showing a re-run of the race, with the commentator going berserk at the finish.

‘Nerves of ice, nerves of steel. Can anything scare Jared Marriot?’

‘For the love of heaven!’ Jared exclaimed, embarrassed but grinning. ‘It was nothing. I didn’t even see him.’

This was greeted by disbelieving jeers, under cover of which Jared slipped away. Kaye went with him, and in the night that followed the distance between them shrank to nothing and she was almost content again.

Almost. The fear would be with her as long as she loved him. Which meant it would be with her always.

In the early hours she propped herself up on her elbow, regarding him tenderly as he slept. Now there was no need for words, except for those in her heart.

You gave it all back to me, she told him silently. Not just love, but trust and contentment, the confidence that I can feel safe in the world because it’s a place where good things happen. I thought I’d lost it again recently, but you weren’t well. That’s all it was. If only I could tell you what you mean to me-a thousand times more than you meant before. Because now I can see into your heart and know that it belongs to me, and to our son. Last time I saw only emptiness there, but now-oh, my darling, now-Oh, heavens, why am I crying when I’m so happy?

She laid her face against his chest, listening to the soft beat of his heart, knowing that at last she’d come home to the place where she belonged-the only place in the world that mattered. Softly she ran her fingertips over him, half fearing, half hoping to awaken him.

‘I love you,’ she said aloud. ‘I’ve loved you for years, but I didn’t dare admit it to myself. Now I can, and soon-oh, please, soon-I can admit it to you.’

He made a sound, and she looked up to find his face turned towards her, eyes still closed, lips very slightly parted. She smiled, laying a gentle kiss on them.

‘But not yet,’ she told him. ‘You’re not quite ready, are you? It’s all there inside, but we’re both waiting for the right moment. When will it come? That’s a mystery, but we can be patient.’ She smiled in self-mockery. ‘I’m very good at waiting.’

She kissed him again, preparing to slide down in the bed and snuggle up to him. But suddenly he gave a long, sighing moan, then another. His head began to twist from side to side and the sound grew deeper, more intense and painful.

‘Hush, darling,’ she said, giving him a little shake. ‘Wake up. I’m here.’

But his eyes didn’t open, and she could tell that she hadn’t reached him. The noise became softer, less anguished. Perhaps the bad moment was passing and it would be better to let him sleep. She watched him anxiously, trying to decide.

‘No,’ he groaned. ‘No, no-I can’t bear it-’

‘Darling-’ She tried to take him in her arms but he thrust her away, beginning to writhe.

‘It isn’t me-it can’t be-it isn’t me. No-no- no !’

His voice became a roar. His arms were flailing dementedly and she had to dodge them to get close to him.

‘Wake up,’ she cried. ‘Wake up!’

But it seemed as though he couldn’t wake. Whatever the hellish place deep in inside him, he was trapped in it, screaming for release but unable to find it.

‘Jared,’ she cried, shaking him. ‘I’m here-look at me. I’m going to make it all right.’

‘It’ll never be all right,’ he growled, but still his eyes were closed and she couldn’t tell if he knew she was there. ‘Some things can’t be put right. Nothing will ever be right again-never-never-’

‘Yes, it will,’ she urged. ‘We can make it right as long as we’re together. Wake up, darling, please .’

With a loud cry he sat up sharply in bed, eyes wide and staring, his entire body shaking violently. Appalled, Kaye kept hold of him, knowing that this was no ordinary nightmare. But when she tried to draw him close he thrust her away.

‘Who the hell are you ?’ he shouted. ‘Get out-get out! Don’t touch me! ’

‘Jared, it’s me-Kaye.’ Hurriedly she switched on the light, which seemed to work.

As he returned to reality he seemed to collapse, then threw himself back on the bed.

‘Do you know who I am?’ she asked, sitting beside him.

He stared at her from dead eyes. ‘Yes. It’s all right. I’m awake now. I’m sorry if I hit you.’

‘You didn’t know what you were doing. It must have been a terrible dream. You were shouting such things.’

‘What?’ he asked tensely. ‘What was I shouting?’

‘You kept saying, “It isn’t me.” I don’t understand.’

He gave a grunt. ‘Oh, that again. It’s because I was ill-face swelled up-and looking into the mirror was terrible.’

‘You mean that crash you had at the start of the season? You injured your face?’

He seemed to hesitate. ‘Not exactly. I crashed because I was ill, and I looked so dreadful I couldn’t endure the sight of myself. It made me realise that one day I’ll be old and ugly.’

‘Old, but never ugly,’ she assured him.

‘Oh, yes, it’s there-waiting at the end of the road.’

‘Tell me all about it.’

‘I don’t want to dwell on it. It’s not a pleasant memory.’

‘But if you keep it hidden inside you, perhaps that’s why you have nightmares. If you told me about it, perhaps it would go away.’

‘Nothing will make it go away,’ he said hoarsely.

But she wouldn’t accept that. Taking him in her arms, she said fiercely, ‘Tell me! We’ll fight it together.’

‘Are you strong enough to fight my demons?’ he whispered.

‘What demons?’ she asked. ‘You’re recovered now. The demons were sent packing.’