Susan Mallery - Full-Time Father

Stalling. Settling. Selling out. Being afraid to try for her dream. Being afraid to fail.

The truth was sharp and ugly. She’d always avoided what she wanted for fear of not being good enough. She’d used her responsibilities to hide from her dreams. If Christie hadn’t come along she probably would have found another way to avoid what she loved most-taking photographs.

She leaned her head against the chair and fought tears. They wouldn’t do her any good now. The question wasn’t how to survive the pain of regret, but what she was going to do now that she’d learned the truth about herself. How was she going to change? She’d spent so long waiting for her time and her turn that she’d lost sight of the real goal. She’d forgotten that life was a journey. She kept waiting for tomorrow, all the while wasting a lifetime of todays.

“Not anymore,” she whispered forcefully. “No more waiting. I’m going to make this my time. I’m going to seize opportunities with both hands. I’m going to risk falling and getting hurt. I’m going to risk failing.” She stood up and walked to the bed. “I’m going to risk loving you,” she told a sleeping Parker. Then she dropped her robe to the floor and crawled in next to him.

Shortly after dawn, Parker walked down the stairs. Erin was still sleeping. They had a lot to talk about, but he figured it could wait until she woke up. The extra time would allow him to plan exactly what he was going to say.

After a quick shower, he was just as confused as he had been before. What was right for Erin and Christie? What was right for him? He knew love was dangerous and unpredictable. Had Erin meant it when she’d used the word last night? If she had, what was the next step?

The smell of coffee drew him to the first floor. He walked into the kitchen and found Kiki cutting up fresh strawberries.

She glanced at him and grinned. “You look as if you haven’t slept much. Is this good not sleeping or bad not sleeping?”

“Define good not sleeping,” he said as he moved to the cupboard and pulled out a mug.

“Good meaning spending the night doing the wild thing?”

“Hmm.” He poured coffee, then sat on one of the tall stools across from Kiki. She continued to cut strawberries into a colander in the sink.

“A noncommittal grunt doesn’t answer the question,” she said.

“I know.”

She winked. “You wouldn’t be so discreet if you’d been up working, so I’m going to assume things went well. Yes?”

He looked at her. The weather was still warm. A pleasant breeze blew in the open kitchen window. Instead of her usual jogging suit, Kiki was dressed in a sleeveless white shirt and tailored blue shorts. She was tanned and healthy. Her face glowed. She was happy. He was miserable. They’d both spent the night having sex. What was wrong with this picture?

He wanted Kiki’s advice. But when he opened his mouth, instead of asking about Erin, he blurted out, “I should have been paying more attention to Christie. I should have kept her safe.”

Kiki put down the small knife and wiped her hands on the towel next to her on the counter. Her blue eyes darkened with compassion.

“I’ve been there, Parker. Guilt is hell. It eats you up inside until there’s nothing left and you want to die.” She glanced at the counter for a moment, then returned her attention to him. Her mouth pulled straight and the lines on her face deepened. “You turned your back for a moment. Every parent does it. We’re not perfect. We love our kids, but we’re still just people who make mistakes.”

“So you’re saying let it go,” he said. “I don’t know if I can. I keep thinking about Robin. If I’d loved her more, maybe she wouldn’t have died. She was afraid I would grow to hate her because of her illness. She sensed my inadequacies.”

“Is that what she told you?”

“Yeah.” He stared at his coffee. “She said I would grow to hate her. It was easier if she died of pneumonia.”

“And you believed her?”

“What? Why would she lie?”

She came around the island and stood next to him, then placed one hand on his shoulder. “Did you ever stop to consider that she was the person who wasn’t strong enough? Maybe she couldn’t face her own disease. Dying gave her a way out.”

“No, it wasn’t her.”

“Can you be sure?” She smiled. “Believe me, I’m intimately familiar with the frailty of the human psyche. I’ve experienced it firsthand. After I lost my son, my world faded to black. I was so depressed I literally didn’t care if I lived or died. It took a lot of hard work and some medical attention to help me want to live again.” She squeezed his shoulder. “You’ve been given a second chance, Parker. Not many of us get those. You’ve got Erin and Christie, now. Don’t blow it.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking about Christie leaving. I don’t want her to go. Erin has dreams. She wants to go to graduate school and study photography. I was thinking about asking her if Christie could stay here permanently.”

“What?”

“I know it will mean more work for you. Having Christie around is more responsibility. I have to work and-” He paused. He wasn’t saying this right.

“Erin isn’t going to give you custody of her daughter.”

“I know. That’s not what I meant. Christie could stay here while Erin went back to college. There are several close by. She could live here on weekends.”

Kiki stepped back and moved around the island. She picked up the knife and grabbed a strawberry. “You know, Parker, for a computer genius, you’re really dumb when it comes to women.”

“I take it that means you don’t approve of my idea.”

She laughed. “Oh, that’s one way of putting it. You’re completely missing the big picture.”

“Which is?”

“First, Erin isn’t going to give up her child. Not even temporarily. She’s not going to let you support her while she goes back to college. Frankly I don’t think she wants to go to college.”

“But-”

“Let me finish.”

“All right.” He sipped his coffee. Maybe talking to Kiki had been a bad idea.

“Second,” she continued, “you’re fooling yourself with all this talk about Erin going to school and wanting to keep Christie around. Of course you care about your daughter. But she’s not the point. You’re in love with Erin and if you think you can let her go, you’re even dumber than I thought. Third-”

But he didn’t hear what was third. Her second point rattled in his brain like the echo of a gunshot. Kiki thought he loved Erin. Loved her? Love?

It couldn’t be true. He knew better. He knew the risks involved. He knew how he could destroy.

But what if Kiki was right? What if he hadn’t been responsible for his wife’s death?

He rose from the stool and headed for the stairs.

“Parker?” Kiki called after him, but he kept on going.

He climbed to the third story and walked into Erin’s room. She was still in bed. As he crossed the floor, she turned and opened her eyes.

“Morning,” she said. “You’re up early.”

She stretched. The sheet slipped, exposing part of one full breast. Heat raced through him and with it the realization that Kiki was right. He couldn’t let Erin go.

He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her. Her eyes were dark in the dim room. Her mussed hair tumbled across the pillow. She reached up and touched his mouth.

“You’re frowning. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything.” He tried to collect his words. “Do you still want to study photography?”

“That’s an odd question.”

“Do you?”

Instead of answering, she slid across the bed and got out on the other side. She walked naked to the closet and returned with a shopping bag. After closing the door and flipping on the light, she upended the bag on the bed.