Karina Halle - Bold Tricks

My heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my lips, in my fingers. I had no idea how he was going to take this.

He stared at me stone-faced, as if he didn’t even hear me. He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and looked up at the ceiling. “I think I understand. Yes, I think I hear you.” He cleared his throat and straightened up, still straddling me but at least my face was free from his lips and grasp. His eyes still focused upward and he said, “Angel, angel, angel,” while shaking his head back and forth. “I thought I knew you. I only knew the … fetus … compared to the woman you could be.” He looked at my sharply. “What a fucking disappointment you are.”

Then he quickly got up and marched over to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I sat up, rubbing at my face. He hadn’t hurt me but his touch still lingered like aftertaste. The thing was, a part of me still wanted that revenge on Travis. But now that it was his idea, I wasn’t about to give him credit. Javier had the advantage when it came to tricks, to contacts, to the plan. But I felt like I had the emotional upper hand. I didn’t know how long it would last and I didn’t know what kind of man it would make him – this would be the second time I’d spurned him after all. He was a loose cannon, a wild card and it was the moment I underestimated him that he’d totally pull the rug out from under us.

I thought back to Camden, wondering if he was in his room or outside the door like he’d said. It hurt like hell that he’d asked me to stay with Javier. I wanted Camden to be protective, to be my shield, especially now when I needed him the most. Instead, he was distant and becoming more distant by the moment. I knew he’d never let anything happen to me, that he would do his best to make sure I was alive, that he’d help me get Gus back, that he’d return me to California all in one piece. I just didn’t know how deep his wounds went either. When he was gone, Javier had been the person I relied on, whether that was a smart decision or not. But now with Camden in the picture, I felt myself naturally gravitate toward him.

Screw Javier and what he thought of my nature. My real nature, my real self, wanted that person to believe in me, to see the good, ignore the bad, and make me feel like I had a future. Camden was my future – though now that he was closer than ever, I felt that future being taken away from me. All because I made a foolish mistake. All because I had no faith.

The fact was, when I really looked at it, when I really searched deep inside, I was still in love with Camden. It was a love I had to bury for the last few weeks, a love I thought I could never have, that I’d never deserve. But I felt it, hidden underneath the layers, like the center of the sun. It was blinding when you had a glimpse of it but it was enough that you knew it was there, shining down on you. I’d let myself get burned if I could.

Yet now that everything had changed between us, that he knew I’d been with Javier, that I’d been sleeping with him … I wasn’t sure how we could recover from that. I could argue my side until I was blue in the face, keep telling him it never meant anything. But he wouldn’t believe that and even I knew that was a bit of a lie, because Javier did mean something. Just for those moments where I could fool myself into thinking it meant more than it did, it still meant something. That was what I was having the hardest time wrapping my head around. How could I ever explain that my body got what it needed at the time but my heart was fooled? That my heart had always belonged to him, even if just the memory of a man I never thought would come for me. What man would ever understand that? Camden was noble but he was still a man with insecurities like everyone else. He’d go out of his way to make sure I was okay but I was afraid he’d never let his own heart get over it. I was so fucking afraid that he’d never let himself love me again.

I felt shredded up inside and my own heart was afraid to repair itself.

I sighed and looked down at my dress. It was dirty, brown from mud, and I quickly shimmied out of it and into a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt I brought out of one of the spare bags from the trunk before Javier came out of the bathroom. I was tempted to go out to Camden, but even then I wouldn’t know what to say. And, he was right. Someone had to make sure that Javier wasn’t about to screw us over, especially now that I’d slighted him. He was extra volatile.

I was sitting cross-legged on the makeshift bed when Javier came out of the bathroom, ruffling his now wet hair, with a towel. A shower would have been nice considering I had dried patches of dirt on my arms but I’d get by without it. I couldn’t risk leaving Javier alone right now.

“You’re still here?” he asked, tossing the towel across the room. He walked barefoot, just a towel around his waist, to the bed. “I would have thought you’d left after what you’d said to me.”

“Sorry, you’re stuck with me,” I told him, turning my head away before he dropped his towel like I knew he would.

“Or perhaps you’re the one stuck with me,” he said. He climbed in under the shawl-like blanket I’d left on the bed and rolled over to his side.

“You’re not going to turn off the light?” I asked.

He laughed quietly, facing the wall. “Believe me, angel, you don’t want to see what comes out in the dark.”

I gradually lay back down, keeping my arms close to my chest. Within moments he was snoring and I did my best to stay awake. Even with the light on, it wasn’t too long before I fell asleep.

I was awakened the next morning by Camden’s warm and strong hands on my face. I smiled into his touch, still half-asleep and delirious with dreams.

“See, she’s alive,” Javier’s voice broke through the clouds. I blinked a few times and looked beyond Camden’s chiseled face. Javier was standing behind Camden’s crouched body, fully clothed and ready to face the day.

“Then why is she on the floor?” Camden asked, looking behind him in annoyance.

Javier turned around and left my vision. “Because she wanted to sleep there.”

Camden looked back at me, shaking his head as Javier left the room. “Asshole. Like he couldn’t have taken the floor himself.” But I could tell he was relieved that I hadn’t shared Javier’s bed. I was relieved too. I fell asleep and slept all the way through the night. I was still exhausted and groggy-headed, though, but I felt more prepared to face the day, to face North America’s largest metropolis, Mexico City.

“What time is it?” I groaned, wishing Camden would keep his hands on me for as long as he could. My eyes drifted over to his shoulder where the blood had dried and I winced at the sight.

“It’s eight,” Camden said. “We slept in a bit.”

“Your shoulder.”

He eyed it. “Yeah. I took the pills last night, okay Nurse Ellie? New bandage too from Jose’s first aid kit. I’ll be okay. Need a change of clothes though.”

I smiled despite myself, feeling strength returning, and slowly sat up. He grabbed underneath my arms and pulled me to my feet. There was a second or two where he was holding onto me, my chest against his chest, my head positioned just below his lips. I stared forward at his battered collar, at the bright tattoos – snake heads – that were coming through. I breathed in deeply, taking in his familiar smell and making it my fuel.

Don’t ever leave my side again , I thought. I wanted to say. I missed you. I still love you.

I looked up at his eyes, hoping he could see far enough in, see how I was really feeling.

I love you.

He stared back at me, eyes so perfect, so blue. Then he cleared his throat and looked away. “Are you ready to go?”