Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

“Hey,” I said.

He lowered the volume. “What are you doing here?” When he looked at my face, his expression dropped. I didn’t need a mirror to know I looked like hell.

“Let’s just say you were right. Joe’s an ass, and you will never see him again.”

I didn’t want to go into detail. So I figured I would throw him a bone and when I was ready to talk, we could do it over a batch of cookies.

“Hate to say I told you so.”

“No you don’t. You’re loving every second of it.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not. I don’t like to see you hurting.”

“I’ll get over it.”

“And what about Zach?”

Just hearing his name sent me into a rush of unexpected tears.

“Liz, come on. Don’t cry. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“I love him.”

“Then be with him.”

“It’s not that simple.”

Josh looked up at me, eyebrow cocked. “Why can’t it be?”

“What if . . .” A burn rose in my throat, and my words faltered.

Josh spoke for me. “What if he disappears again? Disappoints you?”

I couldn’t talk, so I nodded.

“I don’t know. I don’t have that answer. But what I do know is that it sucks to lose someone you love. But you’ve got a second chance. Not many people get that.”

Good advice. But coming from Josh, it wasn’t as impactful. He was with a different girl every time I went to see him. And every time he came to see me, he lip-locked with total strangers. His intentions were good, but he didn’t really get it and because he’d never had his heart broken, I didn’t expect him to.

“You’d be crazy not to jump on that,” he said, and if I was not mistaken there was something more than sympathy in his gaze. Regret, maybe.

“And what do you know about love?”

“There are some things you don’t know about me, little sis.”

I turned a curious eye on Josh.

“Who is it?” By the sadness that crept into his eyes, I knew the question should’ve been, who was it? “Kim from high school?”

“No, definitely not Kim.”

“Then who?” I was confused—Josh was the ultimate player. Even back in high school he never had a steady girlfriend, unless he wanted to call the craziness with Kim a relationship. He changed girls more than Sadie rearranged her closet.

He pushed his thumb into the spot between his eyes, as if rubbing would get rid of whatever was going on in his head. “I’m not going to tell you.”

“Fine, then you’re not allowed to have any of my cookies ever again.”

“You’re back to baking?”

I smiled at the thought of cracking eggs and turning a bunch of ingredients into something delicious. “Yeah, I think I am.”

He didn’t even hesitate. “Fine.”

“Wow, it must be pretty scandalous if you’re willing to give up my cookies.”

“Not scandalous. I just really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe one day?” I asked, made even more curious about this undiscovered part of my brother.

“Maybe.”

All those times he’d tried to help me after Zach and I broke up and I told him he didn’t understand. But he did.

“So what are you going to do?”

I looked at my brother, his leg propped on a pillow. I could have lost him. If things were different, our conversation might never have happened. The thought had my already heightened emotions spinning out of control.

I was lucky. My brother was still with me. While so many people were burying their loved ones, I was getting advice from mine.

And while I had a lot to think about, a lot to deal with when I walked out that door, I wasn’t going anywhere.

I kicked my feet up onto the coffee table and smiled. “I’m going to watch TV with my brother.”

Whoever said you can’t go home again obviously had nothing to go home to. Going home filled me with strength and instilled serenity within me. It gave me what I needed to finally stop hiding.

I still had no idea what I was going to say to Zach, but it didn’t matter. I needed to see him. I needed to hear his voice and maybe then the words would come. Maybe then, everything I had felt for the past few months would turn into words and I would finally be able to stop hiding behind the past.

The past wasn’t what was preventing Zach and me from being together. I was the one preventing it. I was scared to see what had been between us from the minute I spotted him on the football field.

Zach and I always made sense. He knew it. Josh knew it. Sadie knew it. Everyone did. I was the only one trying to pretend we didn’t.

I feared him because he was capable of breaking my heart, but wasn’t that what love was? If a person can’t shatter your heart into a million pieces, then you don’t really love them. Do you?

I thought I loved Joe. I convinced myself I loved Joe, but if I had really loved him, finding out he slept with Charlie would have broken me. It didn’t. It angered me, but more for my own stupidity than anything else.

I never opened myself up to love Joe. He might have used me, but I used him too. I used him to get over Zach. And then when I thought I was over Zach, I still used him. I used him to hide from reality and to avoid facing my biggest fear.

Love. True, heartbreaking love.

I was done hiding. I was ready to take a risk again. I was ready to make the dreams of my past be the reality of my future.

Just not right that minute. After all my crying, I needed to go back to my apartment, shower, and start over with a fresh slate.

Sadie’s car wasn’t in her spot, which meant she was still out with Matt. I pulled into my space and headed inside.

I wondered where Zach was, if he would even talk to me after I had run out on him. If he’d understand. What if he was sick of the drama? I had my one chance and I might have totally blown it.

At the thought of never being with Zach again, my throat tightened and tears pricked my eyes. Again. But I was becoming a pro, and I pushed them back.

I would go to him and if it didn’t work out, it didn’t work out. There would be nothing I could do.

I pushed my key into the lock and stepped inside. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest.

“You’re still here?” I shut the door, let my bag fall to the floor and stepped closer to Zach. Tufts of his dark hair stuck up wildly, reminding me of our earlier encounter.

He shrugged and I hated the defeat in his eyes. “I figured you’d have to come back eventually.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.

“About what?”

“Everything.” I wrapped my arms around myself and started walking away. I got to the middle of the room when I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. For so long I had made myself believe that I hated how my body reacted to him, when in reality, I absolutely loved it.

“No. I’m sorry.” He stepped closer, his chest pressing against my back.

I turned around until I looked into his eyes. “Why you?”

Hurt filled his eyes. “I was the one who stopped calling.”

“It’s in the past,” I said.

“Maybe for you, but not for me. It keeps me up at night. Makes me question my life and how different it would be if I had handled things better.”

He shrugged, and as stupid as it may be, I was happy to know I wasn’t the only one still dwelling on the past. But at the same time I wanted to erase the pain, find a way to make the last year disappear.

“I loved you so much, and I was scared.” He ran his hands through his hair took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, as if he was giving himself time to choose the right words. “We were on different sides of the country. And Josh told me you weren’t handling it well. Our phone calls were great and I looked forward to them. You know I did. But let’s face it—it wasn’t enough.