Sawyer Bennett - c Chance

I step back, not letting him try to comfort me. It will make this even more confusing because even though I’m scared shitless over what is happening, I find myself yearning to accept what he’s offering. Shaking my head in denial, I say, “I don’t think I can do this.”

Flynn stops his forward progress, his arms falling to his sides. “Do what?” he asks cautiously.

“A relationship with you. It’s moving too fast, and I’m afraid.”

Raking his hand through his hair in frustration, he says, “I don’t understand. I told you I wouldn’t pressure you. I love you, but I’m not asking for it in return.”

“But that’s just it,” I practically whine. “You do expect it. I see it in your eyes. I see I’m tearing you up every time I don’t reciprocate. It’s too much... your expectations.”

“So what do you want me to do, Rowan?” His voice is angry and tired all at the same time. “Do you want me to just pretend I don’t love you? Do you want me to just fuck you and keep all the feeling out of it?”

No, of course I don’t want that, but he’s making the point that I’ve known to be true deep down inside. There’s no way for our sexual relationship to continue because it pulls me in too deep. That is what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of losing myself completely to love... and taking my eyes off the danger that lurks below it all. I’m afraid I’ll get careless and then when I’m least expecting it, I’ll get slapped down by it all.

I’m panicking. I get it... but I can’t stop being overwhelmed by this feeling.

“I think we need to go back to being friends.”

Flynn doesn’t even hesitate... doesn’t even consider my request. “Not going to fucking happen.”

“What? Just like that? It’s ‘not going to fucking happen’? You can’t make me go forward,” I say angrily, completely blown away by his dismissive attitude.

“And you can’t make me go back,” he says quietly and with authority.

I feel like I’m spinning out of control because none of this is going right. “It’s not fair,” I shout.

“What’s not fair?”

“You knew,” I point at him with accusation. “You knew I didn’t want to ruin the friendship. You knew and you still pushed me into this.”

Flynn’s face mottles red and he takes a step toward me, getting right in my face. “That’s bullshit, Rowan, and you know it. I wasn’t the one that forced your tongue down my throat or your hand on my cock. You went willingly into my bed and fucking enjoyed every orgasm I gave you. You can lie about your feelings all you want but don’t say I forced you to do anything.”

His chest is heaving in anger as he steps back, staring me down. I lower my eyes to the floor, unsure of what to do. “So, where do we go from here?”

I pray he has the answer because I’m all out of solutions.

“There’s one thing you were right about, Rowan.” His voice is so soft, I strain to hear it. “Once you take that step toward the intimacy we had... once that goes to shit... there is no going back. The friendship can’t survive that type of hurt.”

Oh, God, those words hurt. I don’t know if they are true or if Flynn is reacting in anger. He turns his back on me, walks down the hall, and I hear his bedroom door shut softly.

I stand there for a moment, drowning in sorrow. Capone comes up to me and nudges my hand. Absently rubbing his head, I try to think of a way I can salvage things. I can’t lose my friendship with Flynn. He’s too important. He’s absolutely essential. If we just slow down, take a step back… I can figure this out.

Needing to keep busy, I put our luggage in the kitchen and sort through the clothes. After I start a load, I open the refrigerator and ponder what to make for dinner. Maybe after we eat, we can talk some more. Surely, I can get Flynn to see that maybe we rushed into things. That maybe we need to focus on the friendship.

Even as I think those thoughts, I’m telling myself I’m being ludicrous. There’s no way Flynn is going back. I’m not even sure I can go back, but I’m terrified to move forward.

I hear Flynn’s door open and my heart starts racing. He walks into the kitchen and he has his duffel bag thrown over his shoulder.

“Where are you going?” I ask, fearful of what he’ll say.

“I’m going to go stay the night with Tim. I need some space.”

“But you go back to work tomorrow. I won’t see you for three days.” That seems like such a lame thing to say, because I’ve gone plenty of times without seeing Flynn for three days. Now, though... it seems like an eternity.

“Yeah... listen... I’m going to stay with Tim for a while. I just talked to him and he’s cool with me crashing there.”

Panic starts to seize me as I see Flynn fading before my eyes. “No,” I plead. “You don’t have to go. We can talk this through. You’ll see... we can make this work.”

“You mean we can just be friends and make it work, right?”

“Well, yes... if you just give it a chance, I’m sure we can pick back up.”

“Yeah... that’s not going to work for me, Rowan. I’m an all or nothing sort of guy. I can’t just fall in love and then fall back out. Your heart might be hard, but mine’s not.”

Oh shit that hurt, and the pain in his eyes is unbearable. The thought that I’m running him out of his home causes anguish to lance through me. “No, don’t go. I can go. This is your home.”

Flynn sighs. “It’s your home, too, Rowan. Besides... I’m all packed.”

I look at him, not knowing what to say. My friendship with Flynn is going up in flames and I’m powerless to stop it.

He turns away and walks to the front door. Capone stands there and he gives him a rub behind the ears.

“See you, buddy,” he says softly and then he’s gone.

I stare at the door, willing him to come back. Begging him to come back and push me past my own stupid boundaries. I don’t have the strength to do it myself, and I plead to the angels above to make him come back to me.

But the door remains closed.

I walk back to my bedroom and lie on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Capone crawls up beside me and lays his head on my chest, looking at me with soulful eyes. He can feel my pain.

I hate you, Mom and Dad! See what you made me into!

Tears start coursing down my face, and I’m powerless to stop them. Just as I was powerless to stop this train wreck that is my life. I took the one good thing in my life, and I ruined it.

And while I would love to blame Flynn for putting me in this position, it’s my own fear and insecurity that has done it. I’m the only one that has control of that, and apparently, I’m just not strong enough to overcome it.

Turning on my side, I wrap my arms around Capone. I know I need to figure out my next move. I have a few days and a little money saved up. I know I can start over again... somewhere new and fresh. Maybe a different state.

Yes, all of this seems plausible as I’ve started my life over before—why not again?

Except... the thought of leaving... of not having Flynn?

Well, that just fucking destroys me.

“Full-house, baby! Read ‘em and weep.”

I watch, disgusted, as Tim throws down his cards on the table and sweeps his winnings up.

Looking at my pathetic pair of sevens, I throw my cards facedown and say, “I’m done.”

“Come on, man. Don’t be a sore loser,” Tim teases and the rest of the guys start laughing.

Well, I am a sore loser, fuck you very much.

I’m fucking sore as hell that I’ve lost Rowan and it’s put me in a pisser of a mood. I let my anger ride me hard for the first few days back to work, so much so that I wasn’t paying attention during an apartment fire and almost had a burning piece of sheet rock smack me down.