Ryan Michele - Wanting You

“No!” Sydney yelled.

“I know you’re excited to have Savannah here, but we need to feed her.”

“Can we come back?” Her excited little voice had me enthralled.

“Yeah. I’ll come back up here with you. Let’s see what your mommy made for dinner.”

Sydney reluctantly walked out of the room. “Come on,” Dad called. “Are you okay?”

“Yep. Why?”

“You are really quiet. I don’t remember you ever this quiet.”

I rolled my eyes. “Dad, I grew up.”

“I saw you roll your eyes, young lady.” He chuckled. “Some things never change.”

Heading to the table, Julie had it set with plates, silverware, and even a candle decoration with greens all around it in the middle. When she came in carrying a bowl, I immediately asked, “You need any help?”

“No, thank you. You are our guest. I want you to sit and relax.”

“Savannah, sit here!” Sydney called from across the room, patting the chair next to hers. As I glided into the chair, I couldn’t help the feeling of surrealness I got. A happy family dinner, which I couldn’t even remember the last time I had.

Even when dad was home, dinners never seemed to be like this, all sitting at the table together and actually smiling, but the awkwardness was still there.

“Savannah, how are you?”

“I’m good, Dad.” I began eating the meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn that were put on my plate, suddenly not feeling like eating, but rather, forcing myself to.

“What do you do?”

“Huh?”

“Your job, Savannah. What do you do?” Dad’s voice sounded loving just like he always was with me.

There was no way that I would be telling him about my chosen career, even though a small part of me actually wanted to, wanted to prove I made something of myself. But I kept mum. “I’m between jobs right now.”

“What did you study in college?” Dad played absently with his fork.

Surprised, I asked, “You knew I went to college?”

Dad turned and stared at me. “Of course I knew, but I don’t know what you studied.”

“Journalism.” I beamed, my pride escaping me.

“So you write?” Dad asked.

“Yes,” I said quietly, hoping for this line of questioning to be done.

Dad kept pushing, “What do you write?”

“Depends on the job. What about you, Dad? What have you been up to these days?” I needed to change the subject and get onto a topic Dad would want to talk about.

“Well, Julie and I bought some laundromats here in town and out. We manage them,” Dad mused.

“You like that?”

Dad continued twirling his fork almost nervously. “I like being my own boss.”

“Savannah. Will you play Barbies after dinner?” Sydney chimed in.

Smiling over to Sydney, I said, “I can for a little bit, but then I have to go.”

“Okay.” Sydney beamed the most beautiful smile at me, and my heart melted for her a bit more.

Dad lovingly said, “Sydney, could you run upstairs for a bit and put on a movie.”

“Daddy. I wanna stay with Savannah,” Sydney whined.

“I know, but we need to talk for a bit, but then I’ll send her right up to you.” Dad’s eyes gave the ‘father glare’ as I liked to call it. I remembered it well and always listened when he did it to me.

“Okay.” Sydney left the table, stomping her little feet. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I remembered I did the same thing as a kid every time my parents made me mad.

“Savannah, we heard what happened at Roni’s. Someone attacked you?” I should have known that in this small town everyone talked. I was utterly grateful at the moment for Z, though. He came up with a perfect story for me.

“Yeah. It was freaky. I was just shopping with Sawyer and some guy came up behind me. But I’m good.” Good. Really, was I good? Not so much.

“Cops know who it was?” Dad asked, pushing back his chair from the table and crossing his arms across his chest.

Whenever dad did that, I always felt intimidated. I knew my voice was soft. “Nope. No idea.”

“Why would someone do that?” Julie asked.

“I don’t know.” Lie. I did know, I just couldn’t tell them.

“Do you want to stay here with us for a while?” Julie’s words stunned me, my fork stopping mid-bite.

“You’d let me stay here?” I asked, shocked.

“Of course,” she said without hesitation.

“Thank you. But I’m just fine.” Even though it was wonderful that they wanted me to stay with them, I couldn’t. It was too soon to be this close to my dad.

“Do you have a security system?” Dad asked.

“Yes. I even had them put in cameras today, and Deke’s staying with me,” I said, gaining a bit more confidence.

“Deke? … Sullivan?” His voice was full of surprise.

Looking at Dad, I couldn’t tell if he thought this was good or bad. “Yeah.”

“How did you meet up with that boy?” Dad pushed.

“Well, he’s not exactly a boy anymore. Before Mom and I left, I was seeing Deke. When I got back, we picked up where we left off,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest mimicking my father’s posture.

“He’s not good,” He ground out.

“What does that mean?” I felt my defenses fly up immediately.

“He got kicked off the police force. He almost killed a man.” Anger pulsated off him.

“A drug dealer … the one who gave his mom the drugs she killed herself with,” I defended.

“Still. That is such violence. I don’t want you around that,” he barked.

“Dad, you gave up a say so in my life a long time ago,” I snipped back.

“I’m gonna go into the kitchen and then go check on Sydney. Why don’t you two go into the study so you can talk?” Julie stood up to leave.

“That’s a good idea.” Dad got up and stared at me. “Can we please talk?”

I was already here, may as well get this out. “Sure.”

I followed Dad into a small room lined with bookshelves and floor-to-ceiling windows on one side. A large cross hanging on the wall caught my attention. It was adorned with large blue and green crystals and looked beautiful. With a large desk in the middle, a couch sat on the other side of it. Dad plopped down on one end of it. “Have a seat.”

Sitting down, my hands began to sweat. I knew I should be mad at him for leaving us, but I couldn’t help in that moment feel like a little girl who just wanted her daddy. I tried pulling my big girl panties on, but they were becoming harder to yank up.

“Savannah. I know you have questions. Ask. Please.”

I sat there dumbfounded. There were so many times that I wanted to say and ask everything under the sun, but in that moment, nothing would come from my mouth.

“It’s okay, Savannah. Maybe I should just talk.” I nodded, not wanting the anger to destroy everything before it started.

“You’re mom and I had problems. Lots of problems that I tried to shield you from. Your mom liked to drink. A Lot.” I gasped in shock. I had always thought Mom started drinking ‘cause Dad left. “I’m guessing you know she drinks and thought it was because I left.” I nodded at this. I was there and heard the fights even when they were behind closed doors.

Dad continued, “Sorry, but no. She started drinking while you were little, but she was a pretty functional drunk. She was able to attend everything you had and even have supper on the table, even if she didn’t eat with us.”

Recalling that time in my life was difficult. I tried blocking it out a long time ago. “I remember she always said she needed to go upstairs.”

“Yes, and drink.” Blowing out an exasperated breath, he continued, “Savannah, I know I did things wrong. I should have never gotten involved with Julie while I was still married, but it happened. The part I’m so sorry about is you.”