Ryan Michele - Wanting You

“So you coming out today?”

“I’m thinkin’ about it.”

“Seriously Vann?”

“Look Saw, I’ve been in love with Deke since I was a kid. You don’t just switch that off, there’s too much history.”

“It’s been five years,” she whispered.

“Yep, and for five years, he’s all I’ve thought about. He’s all I’ve wanted, even if I was with someone else. Which is why none of them lasted long.”

“Sorry.” Saw stared down at her hands.

“All right, so what do you want to do today?” I asked, needing to break the Deke tension in the room.

“I thought you were going to write.”

“Nope. Let’s go shop.”

Smiling, Sawyer laughed. “Now you’re talking. Meet you downstairs in ten.”

“You got it.”

Grabbing my cell, I had several missed calls: Grams, Z, and tons from Deke. I couldn’t help the giddiness that washed over me in seeing the amount of times Deke called. I could still feel his lips and touch every time I closed my eyes. I couldn’t help myself from wanting him. God help me.

“You ready?” Saw’s voice made me jump.

“Shit. You scared me. Yeah.”

“Let’s get something to eat first. We’ll hit up Ludy’s for a burger.”

“Sure.” I wasn’t going to tell her that I really didn’t feel like eating, and hadn’t for the past few days, but I’d try.

Pulling into the diner, the paint was worn and the sign that read ‘Ludy’s’ was quite faded, but this place did have the best burgers in town. We found a corner booth, and I began to prepare myself for Sawyer. After ordering, it didn’t take long for her to begin.

“So?” Saw asked, folding her hands together and laying them in front of her on the table.

“So what?”

“How was he?” I rolled my eyes, not wanting to relive how utterly amazing it was being with him or how it was the best orgasm of my life.

“Let’s not.”

“Come on. I know it ended shitty, but how was it before that?” Thinking back to Deke’s desk, my blood began to heat up and not from anger. The sexy way his fingers grazed my skin lighting every nerve as he went.

“He’s good.” Lame.

“Good. Spill it. Was it better than your first?”

I stared at her as if she grew two heads. “God, yes.” Pausing, I tried to collect my thoughts. “He’s grown up, Saw, and has probably been with lots of women. He knows exactly what to do to make a woman happy.”

“Did you scream?” Her question caught me off guard.

“What is up with you Sawyer?” I eyed her wearily … she had never been the one to need details from my sexual experiences. That would be Kinsley.

Blowing out a deep breath, she said, “I’m just living vicariously through you. It’s been a long time.”

“How long?”

Sawyer entangled her fingers and began to stare at them. “Years,” she said softly.

“Really?” I couldn’t help my shock. Sawyer was one smokin’ hot chick. I would think she could get it whenever she wanted.

“Don’t sound so shocked. It’s not like I became a nun or anything,” she said, smiling.

“You holding out for someone?” I winked.

“Shut it. No.” But the smirk playing on her lips told me I nailed it.

“Mmmhhmm … Z, huh?”

Before she could answer, the waitress appeared with our food, setting it before us. “Look, Saw. What happened with Deke can’t happen again.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?”

“You still love him?”

“I don’t know if I love him or the him he used to be. My judgment’s a bit whack.”

“It’s always hard to forget your first.”

“It’s not just that. I’ve compared every guy I’ve dated to him. I know that’s shitty, but not one matched up.” We sat there in silence, eating, while Sawyer was apparently trying to figure out what to say. I didn’t think anything could help fix this situation.

Hearing the overhead bell on the door chime, both Sawyer and I looked up. Walking in was a beautiful little girl wearing the most adorable pink and white flowered dress. Her blonde hair hung below her shoulders and was held up a headband with a bow on it.

As she looked up, I followed her gaze. Gasping loud enough for everyone in the damn town to hear me, I immediately brought my hands to cover my mouth, embarrassed.

He must have heard me because the same blue eyes I look at in the mirror every morning found mine. I felt stuck in a trance, unable to look away from him, and he seemed to be the same.

“Holy shit,” Sawyer muttered.

I heard Sawyer, but couldn’t move. Whether frozen from fear, anger, nervousness, I didn’t know. My dad stood at the door, and I so badly wanted to know what was going through his head. Was he happy to see me, pissed … did he hate me because Mom made me leave?

He looked almost the same, except his hair had a dusting of gray forming around his ears while the rest remained a darker blond. His face still held its strong jawline, and he was just as handsome as he was when I was little.

As the little girl pulled on his arm, he broke eye contact with me and looked down, smiling at her. I knew that exact smile she was receiving, as I was once on her end of it.

My eyes stayed glued to the two, not even blinking. Of the scenarios I played out in my head of seeing Dad again, me being stunned and speechless was not one of them. I had role played it many times in my mirror—yelling, cussing, and condemning him to hell. But nothing would come out.

Dad whispered something into the little girl’s ear, and they began walking over to my table. The surge of anger that I thought would be there at seeing him again was nowhere to be found.

“Hi Savannah.” His gravelly voice was exactly the same even after all this time.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I gave a little cough. “Hi.”

“How are you?” He actually sounded sincere.

“Fine.” I didn’t want to be rude, but the awkwardness was sparking my anxiety.

“You sure are beautiful.”

“Thanks.” I almost called him Dad, but didn’t know if I should, fearing my sister had no clue I existed.

“Savannah, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.” Dad pulled the little girl gently in front of him. “This is Sydney, your sister.” I couldn’t hold back the gasp or the feeling of panic that rushed through my body. I’d never heard the words ‘your sister’ from him before, and all of the sudden it seemed too real.

Having Grams tell me about Sydney was one thing. Sydney could have been on TV for all I knew. I never saw her or even pictures of her; it was just a name. But hearing the words out of Dad’s mouth was a sucker punch.

Blinking back tears quickly, I looked at Sydney. She was unbelievably adorable and had Dad’s and my eyes.

“Hi Sydney. I’m Vann.”

“Vann? Daddy said your name is Savannah.” Sydney’s voice was incredibly soft and small.

“It is, but I go by Vann. You can call me either.”

“I like Vann.”

“Okay.”

“Daddy told me that you lived … by the beach.” Her words stopped me. Had Dad told her about me? He must have.

“I did. But I’ve moved back.”

“Good. Will you take me for ice cream?”

My eyes widened. “Hmm. Sure.” Looking up at my dad, I asked, “You told her about me?”

“Of course I did.” Staring at my dad, I didn’t know what to say. After Mom and I left, I hated him with every fiber of my being … and still did. He held most of the blame for what happened. If he hadn’t cheated on mom, none of this would have happened.

Dad sighed. “Look Savannah. I’d love to talk to you, get all this out there so we can move past it. I love you and miss my baby.” He paused. “Will you come to dinner tomorrow night?”