Radclyffe - When Dreams Tremble

Dev shrugged and leaned her shoulder against the window frame.

The big rectangular window swung out on hinges and canted over the water, the

glass reß ecting the shine of moonlight on the black surface of the lake.

“Changed my mind.”

“Yeah?” Leslie sipped the Budweiser, trying not to grimace. It was the guys’

favorite, so that was what they had at the parties. “How come?”

“Just thought I’d hang out here for a while.”

• 33 •

RADCLY fFE

“I’m glad you came by.”

“You leaving this weekend?” Dev knew she was, but somehow she kept hoping

to hear Leslie say, No, Dev. I changed my mind. I don’t really want to go

three hundred miles away from home. From you.

But she wouldn’t, because that was just Dev’s dream. Not Leslie’s.

“Uh-huh. Sunday. My folks are driving me down.”

Dev thought she sounded just a little bit wistful, and that made the ache in her

belly worse somehow. She dared to touch Leslie’s bare knee ever so lightly.

Leslie’s skin, damp from the mist off the water, was cool against Dev’s hot Þ

ngertips. “You’ll be okay.”

“Oh, I know.” Leslie smiled brightly. “It’ll be great. I can’t wait.”

“So you’re still gonna be a landscape architect, huh?”

“Someday. You know, after college and everything.”

Dev nodded, although she really didn’t know much about how college worked.

She wasn’t really too interested, since she Þ gured she’d end up working in her

parents’ convenience store after high school.

They expected her to help out, save them the cost of hiring someone.

Her older brother had left home as soon as he could, refusing to be tied to the

drudgery that seemed to be their parents’ lives. So Dev worked, in his place,

after school and on weekends.

She didn’t care. She didn’t think about it much. When she looked into the

future, she could never see anything except more of the same.

Her. Alone.

“So when will you be back? You know, vacation or whatever,”

Dev asked.

Even in the moonlight, Leslie’s face was shadowed. “Thanksgiving, I guess. Not

that long.”

“No, I guess n—”

“Hey, Leslie!” One of Leslie’s girlfriends shouted above the din.

“Come on, come outside. We’re gonna smoke a joint.”

Dev knew the invitation didn’t include her. Her friendship with Leslie was

something that Leslie’s crowd just ignored, clearly unable to understand why

Leslie would give Dev the time of day. After all, Dev was a year behind them,

and if that weren’t enough to make her company less than desirable, she was

strange. Different. But for some reason, Leslie and she were always able to talk.

It had started by accident the year before when they’d shared a table during

study hall.

Leslie was having trouble with a math problem, and since it was the

• 34 •

WHEN DREAMS TREMBLE

one subject that Dev could pick up just by sitting in class without doing any

work at all, she’d shown Leslie how to set up the solution. The next day she

helped her again, and somehow they’d started talking about other things.

Everything, really.

Dev had never met anyone she could talk to so easily. Leslie always listened.

Always made her feel like what she had to say was important and interesting.

They never met outside of school, never visited each other’s homes. Never did

anything social together except sit for an hour every few days on the lawn

outside school or walk down to the lake, and talk. Except once. Just once,

Leslie had ridden on the back of Dev’s motorcycle, laughing and pressed up

against her with her arms around Dev’s waist. Dev had been nearly light-headed

from the sensation of Leslie’s breasts against her back. She cherished the

memory, revisiting it nearly nightly before she went to sleep, coming sometimes

while imagining Leslie’s arms around her.

“Go. That’s cool,” Dev said, sensing Leslie’s friend waiting impatiently. “I just

wanted to…” See you again. Tell you how hard it’s going to be when you

leave. How much I’m going to miss you. How empty I feel inside.

Maybe something showed in her face, because Leslie said, “You go ahead, Sue.

I’ll catch you in a little while.”

When Sue made an exasperated sound and melted into the crowd, Leslie took

Dev’s hand and jumped down from the windowsill. “Come on. Let’s go for a

walk.”

Leslie only touched her Þ ngers for a second, but Dev’s legs felt shaky. Mutely,

she followed, tied to Leslie by that invisible string she could always feel, tugging

her back to her even when she knew she should stay away.

“God, I feel so much better out here,” Leslie said as they walked along the

water’s edge, leaving the boathouse and the noise and the smoke behind. She

sat down on one of the park benches her parents had placed around the lake for

the guests and tilted her head back. “I wonder if the stars will look like this in the

city.”

Dev didn’t know. She’d never been to a big city. Her parents never took a

vacation, they never left the store in anyone else’s hands.

“Probably. I think they’re everywhere.”

Leslie turned her head on the bench and smiled at Dev. “Yeah, probably.”

Dev didn’t mean to kiss her. She didn’t even know she’d moved

• 35 •

RADCLY fFE

until her lips touched Leslie’s. She’d never imagined Leslie’s lips would be so

warm and soft. Dev slid trembling Þ ngers over Leslie’s throat, felt Leslie’s heart

racing just beneath her skin. Then Dev was suddenly aware of Leslie’s hand

stroking the back of her neck, of Leslie kissing her back, pushing against her so

that their breasts touched through the whisper-thin layers of their cotton T-shirts.

Leslie moaned softly and the dam inside Dev’s heart broke and everything she’d

been holding back forever spilled out.

“Oh, Les,” Dev whispered. She framed Leslie’s face with her hands, kissed her

again, angling her body onto Leslie so that their legs entwined. Leslie grasped

her waist, holding her close. Dev groaned.

“Les, I lo—”

“Jesus! Fuck!”

Someone grabbed Dev’s shoulder from behind and yanked her off Leslie,

throwing her to the ground hard enough to knock the wind from her. Stunned,

Dev gasped and fought to catch her breath. A foot drove into her side, and she

groaned and curled into a ball.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Leslie’s boyfriend Mike shouted.

Distantly, Dev heard Leslie screaming for Mike to stop. She didn’t care about

the pain in her side or the next blow that landed on her hip, or the next. Or the

next. Nothing that ever happened to her again could hurt as much as what she

heard Leslie shout.

Mike, it was just a joke! I was just fooling with her. She doesn’t mean

anything to me. She’s nobody!

Dev blinked in the bright sunlight and stared at Leslie’s mother.

“…can’t thank you enough,” Eileen said. “As long as you’re sure it’s no

trouble.”

“No,” Dev said, forcing a smile though her face felt numb. “No trouble at all.”

• 36 •

WHEN DREAMS TREMBLE

CHAPTER FOUR

Ten minutes before the Amtrak Adirondack was expected to arrive in

Rensselaer, Dev pulled into a parking slot opposite the metal stairs leading down

from the train tracks. She sat watching the platform, Þ ngers curled around the

steering wheel as if to ground herself Þ rmly in the present, wondering if she