Jennifer Probst - Searching for Someday

She shot out the door. Robert barely moved his head, used to the quick comings and goings of her friend. Kate thought about her words and cleaned up the kitchen. Odd. Slade already knew she had deep feelings for him, though she kept trying to fight them back and bury them deep. No sense in sharing when there would be no reciprocation or interest in moving forward. Maybe she’d curl up on the recliner and spend the afternoon doing nothing but watching movies and reading books. Paperwork could wait. Gym could be delayed. Nothing seemed that important.

The door slammed open. Kate looked up, startled, and frowned when her mother shot through. “Are you okay?” she asked, moving forward. “You’ve never come to see me twice in one weekend.”

Madeline crossed the room and clasped Kate’s upper arms. Her blue eyes were wide and full of fear. “I had a dream.”

Kate fought a smile. “Did you watch the planet get swallowed up by plastic bags and diapers again? People are recycling more, Mom, don’t worry.”

“No, silly girl, about you. I dreamt you denied the touch with Slade and your entire life was ruined. One bad choice and you never recovered. What happened after I left?”

Unease shot through her. Great, she’d be the cat lady and she’d always been more of a dog person. Kate sighed. “I don’t want you to worry. Slade isn’t meant for me. Simply put, he doesn’t believe in love, marriage, or forever. He believes in oxytocin.”

Her mother shook her slightly with impatience. “I don’t care what he says he believes. I want to know about you and your actions. Have you told him you love him? That you want to fight for him? That you believe enough for the both of you?”

Panic flared. She broke the grip and stepped back, needing the distance. “Don’t be ridiculous, of course not. Women don’t do those things today. Besides, I’m sure it’s for the best.”

Her heart shattered and screamed her a liar. Her body ached and punished her. And her mother let out a shriek of frustration Kate had never heard before. Madeline was a river, she flowed and melted, becoming one with every challenge in life and rarely fought against the tide. The woman before her quaked, her aura vibrating so wildly Kate would’ve shoved a joint in her hands if she had one. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

“What’s happened to you?” Madeline whispered. “When did you stop believing in yourself? In your gift? In what you deserve?”

Emotion choked her. She couldn’t handle this; it was too close to home. “I tried. He knows I care about him, and he’s been honest about what he can and can’t handle. He thinks I’ve screwed up his sister and that I’m a liar. And as for my gift? I didn’t want to tell you, but it’s gone. And I don’t think it’s coming back. I need you to drop this.”

“No. You’re going to listen to me, darling, and don’t interrupt. Now, sit.” Her mother pointed to the chair. Kate trudged over, sat down, and waited. She’d learned long ago not to argue when her mother wanted to have an open discussion. “It’s time to stop running, Kate. You say you lost your gift. When did this happen?”

“After I discovered Slade and I connected. That was the last time I felt anything. I’ve been numb, even around couples who are married and have a connection, I get nothing.”

“But you still feel the touch with Slade?”

She nodded. “I thought I was blocking myself by denying our attraction. So I slept with him. I figured I’d get it back, but that didn’t help either. My gift is gone.”

Madeline pursed her lips. “Your gift is being denied, my darling girl. You are the first one in generations to feel this with other people. Most of the women who own the touch can only sense it with her true mate. You have been blessed to spread your knowledge to the world. But when confronted by your own truth, you chose to run and hide. Wrapping it up in sex, having rational conversations about how things can’t work between you. You’ve lost your way.”

Kate rubbed her temples. God, when her mother waxed poetic it got hairy. Like a bad acid trip, she supposed. “I don’t get it. I didn’t hide. I told Slade I believed in love and wanted forever. He said he can’t give that to me. We went our separate ways. Over and out.”

“Did you tell him you’re in love with him?”

Kate froze. “N-n-no. There’s no point.”

Her mother squinted with intensity. “No point in confessing the truth to the man you love? Have I raised a coward?”

Kate flinched. “Why? So he could say thanks very much, but it’s not going to work out? So he can take the last shred of my pride and leave me broken and bleeding? No thanks.”

“There is no halfway, no safe place to hide when it comes to love. You are luckier than most to be guided to the man meant for you. By denying the truth, or making light of the connection, you deny the gift, yourself, and are no longer worthy of it.”

The words hit her hard, like brutal jabs in the ring, and Kate felt something inside begin to break. Hadn’t she been clear enough about how she felt? Hadn’t she fought enough? Or was her mother right? She’d rationalized and pushed him away and only allowed him into her bed, not her heart. She’d never stood her ground and challenged his ridiculous beliefs.

“I don’t know what to do, Mom,” she choked out. “He can break my heart and I’m scared.”

“How does he make you feel?”

She dragged in a breath. “Like my better self. He lights up my body, and satisfies my soul. He makes me laugh. He loves Robert and wants to take care of him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and I’ve never been so terrified.”

Madeline moved over, took her hand, and squeezed it tight. “You must be fierce and admit to love, my dear girl. It is the only way to win. And if you do lose, well, at least you lose fairly, with your head high and with no regrets. How could you possibly feel shame for leading with your heart? It is simply the bravest thing anyone can do in this world. It is what you based your business on, and your livelihood.”

The truth took root, shook her to the core, and grew. In that moment, she realized every step in her journey had been halfhearted. But no longer. She was worthy of more.

Kate reached up and hugged her mother tight. “I love you, Mom. Thank you.”

“Welcome. Now go get your man.”

“WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM.”

Slade studied his boss, who perched behind the sprawling teak desk with a look of concern on his face. Shit. First, his personal life, now his career. Was he upset he’d left early those few days? No, Bob usually let his employees run their own schedules, confident they’d get the job done. Had he realized his relationship with Kate was a big fat lie? Had Melody gotten nailed for the speeding ticket? Slade adjusted his cuffs. “What is it, Bob?” he asked calmly.

His boss pointed toward his computer. “Billing hours came in for approval. Yours doesn’t add up. Want to tell me what’s going on?”

Relief loosened his chest. That he could handle. “I had a client who wants to pay on the back end once I win the case. Forgot to tell you. I’ll send you the details as soon as I get back in my office.”

Bob shook his head. “Can’t do it. I told the associates you bill up front now. Too many pro bono and cases lost in the firm.”

Annoyance surged through him. “Have I ever cost you money on a case? I need some leeway on this one. Guy’s wife froze the accounts and he’s in a hell of a fix. Needs custody rights. I’ll win.”

“I don’t doubt it. But no more bleeding hearts. His story is no different than a million others coming through those doors. Look, I understand you want to do good by him, but he’s got to pay the bill. If I didn’t want to make money, I’d be working for the district attorney’s office or be a not-for-profit lawyer.”