Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

She chuckles and wraps me in her arms. “Love you, Baby. Hang in there.”

I squeeze her back, that’s all I can do, I don’t trust my voice.

After another few moments she gives me one last squeeze, “Well, I’m off to work. I’ll be home later tonight.

“Alright, see you in the morning.” I walk over to the flowers and pick the card out.

“Hailey?”

“Yeah Mom?”

“Get out of the house for a little while; it’ll do you some good. Go see that cute little Ryder that I know you love.” She smiles at me and then closes my door behind her.

I sit on my bed and curl my legs up to my chest. I play with the card in my hand for a while before I get the courage to open it and see what he’s come up with this time.

Hailey ~

Talk to me.

You owe it to yourself, to us, to me.

Always,

Mason

The tears start. I lie back against my pillows and grab for the pink bear that Mason won for me years ago. I cry for him every day. I want my Mason back, my hot headed, over the top Mason, or even my cold hearted one. I just want him. I know he loves me. I know deep down inside. But why? Why did he have Lily pushed up into that nook in the wall? Did he think he would never get caught? Maybe I was just fooling myself. Maybe he only liked me because I was always there. Not knowing what’s going on in his head is eating me alive. I know I’m going to have to talk to him but not until I’m strong enough. Mom is the only one who knows how much this is killing me. I’m not weak like my sister says I am; I’ll stand up for myself once I find myself again.

Eventually, I cry myself to sleep until my ringing phone wakes me into a sleepy fog.

I run my finger across the phone, answering it, “Hello?” Once the fog clears, I cringe; praying it isn’t Mason on the other end.

I hear sniffles, “Hello?” I say again.

“Hailey, I look like a whale in my dress. Where are you?” Kenzie whines into the phone.

I take a deep breath; my maid of honor duties are needed. “Kenz, you don’t look like a whale, Sweetie. Why do you have your dress on anyway?”

She takes a shuddering breath, “I’m at the bridal shop for my last fitting.”

Shit! I was supposed to go with her and I completely forgot because I’ve been living in my own head and not being the friend that I should be.

I leap off the bed and take a quick glimpse in the mirror. Crap, I look like hell. Eyes puffy and bloodshot, mascara running down my cheeks and my hair is a hot mess. “Kenz, give me fifteen minutes, I’ll be right there.”

“No. It’s ok; you’ve got a lot going on.” Her voice breaks.

“I’m coming. Love ya. See you in a few.”

Fifteen minutes later I’m pulling into the dress shop parking lot. I quickly grab my purse and make my way inside to talk my best friend off the ledge.

I walk up to the counter and ask where I can find her. Thankfully it’s a small shop and they know exactly who I’m talking about.

I approach the dressing room and I hear the sniffles again. I knock on the door, “Kenz?”

The door slowly opens and Kenzie pokes her head out. I smile and she frowns. She opens the door wider and I push my way in. I set my purse down on the bench but keep my sunglasses on. I didn’t need her pity. This is all about her. I turn and suck in a breath, my hand covers my mouth and the tears start again.

“See! I look like a whale, Hails. I can’t wear this dress.” She turns her back towards me, “Unzip me, I need out of this dress.”

I place both my hands on her shoulders, “Look at you MacKenzie, really look at you. You’re gorgeous, Sweetie; you look nothing like a whale. Nothing! I’m envious of you; you’ve got the man of your dreams, the cutest little chunky monkey and a beautiful home. This,” I point to the dress, “is just material. Hunter loves you for this.” I point to her heart. She starts crying again and I’m right there with her. “Hunter said to me the other night that he couldn’t believe he’s actually marrying you. You, MacKenzie, you’re each other’s everything.”

Kenzie slowly turns around and hugs the hell out of me. “You’re the best friend that every girl should have, Hails.”

We hold each other for a little while and cry a little longer. After I’ve gotten it all out, I decide we definitely need some laughter in our lives. My hands start slowly moving from her back, down to her sides to rest on her hips. “You know, I would kill for these. I’m sure Hunter loves that he has something to hold on to while you’re getting your freak on.”

That seems to do the trick because she starts laughing and soon she lets go and holds her stomach because she can’t stop. It’s a contagious laugh.

After we calm down, she smirks at me. “He does love them.” She says, just above a whisper, and starts blushing. You would think by now that she wouldn’t be this shy talking about sex.

I put my hands on my hips, “Now Kenz, why the hell are you blushing, girl? You can’t be that shy about sex. Christ, Hunter had you bent over his bike in the Goddamn garage! Did you forget I walked in on that hot shit?”

Now she turns bright red, God I loved her. I wish my own sister were just like her. Instead my sister is the world’s biggest bitch.

She covers her face with her hands, “I can’t believe you caught us like that and you didn’t even try to leave quietly.”

I shrug, “What? It was hot!”

She walks over, stands in front of me and reaches for my sunglasses. I quickly turn my head. She sighs and grabs my face with both her hands. She takes my glasses off and gasps. I look down at the floor, both hands go for my back pockets and I rock on my feet. I know what is coming next.

“Hailey.”

I don’t look up, I can’t.

She grabs my face again and gives me no choice. Looking into my eyes, she can see everything -the hurt, the pain, all of it. After a few moments she says, “You need to talk to him. Give him hell, Hailey! He deserves it, whether he did it or not. You need to let the feisty Hailey out.”

I look down to the floor again, begging for the tears to stay at bay. I will not cry over Mason Cahill, I chant to myself.

She waits, “I know, Kenz, I will. Let’s just get past the wedding and then I’ll figure things out. I don’t want you worrying over us.”

“Oh Hailey, I love you.” She hugs me. “You are your own worst enemy, you know that right?”

I nod. I will not cry over Mason Cahill , I chant again. “I know.”

“Help me out of this dress and let’s go back to my house and grab a drink. I think we can both use one.” She turns around, giving me access to her zipper.

“You look like a princess, Kenz. Hunter’s a lucky man.”

She winks at me in the mirror; I help her unzip and then hang the dress up. We leave the shop and make our way to her house. I need something to help steel my heart, at least for tonight anyway.

This being on the road shit sucks. The away games never used to bother me, but now that everything is screwed up, I hate it. I hate not being home, hate being away from Hailey, hate the drama and I hate myself. Baseball has always been a part of my life, it’s a constant, I’m good at it and I’m able to control it. It’s not just a hobby to me, it’s my career. Since losing Hailey I just can’t put my heart into the game. I know I look like a complete jackass to everyone; they’re all still pissed at me. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for even putting myself in such a screwed up situation. It seems that I always get burned while protecting my family. One damn day I’ll learn my lesson.