E. Blair - Falling

I spend a good amount of time sitting in bed while I watch her move around the room as she stretches and works her ankles, puts her hair up in her bun, and replaces the lamb’s wool in her toe shoes. She’s quiet, but flashes me a grin every now and then as I watch what I hope will become our routine. Tonight’s her first performance, but she’ll have two tomorrow and two on Sunday followed by a few throughout the week. This will last for the next three weeks, and I’m excited that I get to see her dance like this, performing for thousands of people every day. She’s a star in the darkness that hovers over us—she always has been.

I say goodbye to her early because she has to be at McCaw Theater hours before production, so when I arrive, Jase, Mark, Traci, and Max are already there and seated. Candace was able to get them all tickets for opening night, which is nearly a black-tie affair.

Tonight won’t be like the last time I saw her. With the company, she dances in what they call the corps de ballet, an ensemble of dancers that accompany the soloists. It could take a while for Candace to work her way up to being a soloist.

Dancing ‘Les Sylphides,’ my eyes stay locked on her throughout the whole night. She’s the only one I see as she moves gracefully around the stage. Just like before when I saw her dancing, she gives me goosebumps. She’s soft and stoic, taking each number with a focus that only she can make so effortless.

She loves this. It’s who she is, and to see her take this passion and turn her dreams into reality is an amazing thing. She’s known what she’s wanted to make of her dancing, and she did it. I’m in awe of her. To see her suffer through so much, yet never lose her way with her goals is a determination you don’t find all that often in people. But she has it.

I never thought a guy like me would be found at the ballet and actually enjoying it, but I like knowing that this is now a part of my life and that I get to watch my girl up on that stage throughout the year.

Once the curtain drops and the lights brighten, I visit with everyone for a while before saying goodnight. Candace told me to meet her in the dressing room afterwards, so as I walk out of the theater, I see the main lobby emptying out when my eyes catch a man with familiar silver hair walking towards me. As he approaches, I’m stunned to see it’s Candace’s father.

“Charles?”

He looks up and stops in his tracks when he recognizes me. I can tell that he can’t place my name.

“It’s Ryan,” I say, reminding him.

“Ryan. How are you?” he says as he reaches out his hand, but I don’t take it.

“What are you doing here?”

It takes him a moment, but when he lowers his hand, he shifts his weight, saying, “I came to see Candace.”

“Does she know you’re here?”

“No.”

When I slowly begin to shake my head at the man who is sneaking out because he’s too much of a coward to see his own daughter, he defends, “I love her.”

“You don’t know her.”

He doesn’t speak after I say this, and my need to protect her takes over when I continue, “I don’t know what it is about her that you aren’t able to accept or that you don’t think is good enough. I’ve tried to understand, but I can’t.” Taking a step closer, I pause for a second before saying, “I wish you could see the amazing girl that I do. The girl who has dreams that she’s able to make come true. The girl who loves harder than anyone I’ve ever known. She’s got a beautiful heart.”

“I know.”

“Do you know what you did to that heart when you turned your back on her?”

“I love my daughter,” he says. “But I love my wife too. I won’t stand here and make excuses for her. She has her faults, but in the end, I love her.”

“So where does that leave Candace? Because I’ll be honest with you, sir, I love that girl and seeing how the two of you hurt her is something that I would be willing to look past if it meant that you could repair things with her.”

Shoving his hands into his pants pockets, he turns his head to the doors before looking back at me and resolves, “I just wanted to see her dance. Maybe you shouldn’t tell her that you saw me,” and then walks out the doors.

I’ve never wanted to protect anyone the way I want to protect Candace, but I won’t ever hold anything back from her. As sick as it sounds, it’s probably best that her parents walked out of her life. This is a girl who apologizes for herself more than anyone I know because she feels she is always making a mistake simply by being herself. She’s someone who is so determined to succeed, but I know it’s stemmed from growing up with parents who never thought she was good enough and made it their goal to make sure she knew it. And when she opens the door to her dressing room and I see her big smile, full of life and satisfaction, I know she’s going to be better off without them.

“God, you’re amazing,” I tell her as I pick her up in my arms and hug her.

Her smile’s infectious and after I kiss her, she beams in excitement, “That was incredible.” Setting her down, she shuts the door behind me and asks, “What did you think?”

“I think you’re gonna be seeing me here a lot.”

“So you liked it?”

“There isn’t anything I don’t like about seeing you on that stage,” I tell her and then move in to cup her face in my hands. “Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?”

She kisses me and then tells me, “You’re the one that made me want to feel again. That helped bring me back to life.”

I could easily give those same words back to her because she did the same for me, only on a completely different scope, so I let her have those words. I love that we can give each other so much. That we can have the best of ourselves with each other. We continue to hug and kiss for a while longer, celebrating Candace’s opening night at the ballet in our quiet way.

She is already out of her costume, so I sit on the small couch as she powders her shoes and begins to pack up.

Spotting a vase full of pink roses, I ask, “Who are those from?”

She looks at the vase and then back to me, saying, “Your mom had those delivered before the show. She felt bad that she couldn’t be here.”

“Babe, I need to tell you something,” I say and then motion for her to come sit next to me, and when she does, I turn to her and take her hands in mine. I know she’ll be okay when I tell her about her father because she has such a solid support system in the people that choose to be a part of her life. “I saw your dad tonight.”

Seeing her eyes open up with hope, she asks, “He’s here?”

“He was,” I say gently. “I ran into him as he was leaving,” Her face falls when I tell her this.

“Didn’t he want to see me?”

Her head drops when I shake my head.

“What did he say?”

We’ve been nothing but transparent with each other, so I give her that respect when I say, “That he loves you, but he loves your mother too. He didn’t want me to tell you he was here, but I never want to keep anything from you again, and I need you to know that.”

The tears in her eyes are hard to look at as she sits here. “Don’t doubt for a second that you don’t have a family full of people that love and support you because you do. They might not be your blood, but they are your heart.”

She takes a second before she speaks on a soft breath, “So that’s it?” referring to her parents.

“I think so.”

Defeat washes over her as her shoulders slump.

“I know it hurts, babe, but I also know that you haven’t done a thing wrong here. It’s them, not you.”

“Can you just take me home?”

“Yeah,” I whisper and help her gather her things before I drive us home.