E. Blair - Falling

Her breathing picks up as she cries harder.

“Show me,” I push.

“I can’t.”

“You can. Use me,” I urge. “Yell at me. Scream. Hit me. Punch me. Something! Just do something!” I shout as she sobs. “Stop crying and do something! Hit me!”

“Ryan, stop!” she screams, and when she tries to move away from me, I grab on to her wrists and she kneels down next to me, bracing her hands on the floor as she cries.

“I want you to fight. I want you to fight because I’m so fuckin’ mad and you won’t let me fight for you.”

“You wanna fight?” I stand in the doorway and listen to my dad. “Come here,” he says to my mom with a crooked finger, and she steps towards him. “Hit me.”

“No.”

“Hit me, you little bitch!”

She stands there crying when he pulls his clenched fist back and punches her in the stomach, forcing out a gush of air as she heaves and doubles over.

“Daddy, stop!”

He looks at me. “You want me to stop?” he asks before impaling her ribs with his boot.

Her screams are strained as I start to cry.

“Stop!”

He kicks her again as she lies there, lifeless.

“Tell me to stop again, you sack of shit.”

I look at Candace doubled over on the floor—crying—and it hits me.

“God, baby. I’m sorry,” I say, reaching out to touch her, but she coils back from me.

“It wouldn’t even do anything,” she snaps. “You want me to fight? Why? It’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to make it better. It’s not going to take it away.”

Realizing that I pushed her way too far, that I scared her by yelling at her, I reach out, and again, she resists my touch. “I’m sorry.”

She doesn’t hear me, she just continues, “I just wanna forget. I just want it to go away. But me fighting isn’t gonna make that happen. The damage is done, and I can’t go back.”

“Baby,” I say as gently as I can. “You can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

“Why not?” her voice a mere whimper. So desperate. “What’s so bad about pretending?”

This time when I reach for her, she doesn’t flinch, and I fold her up in my arms. “Because it did happen.”

“Why?” she cries into my chest. “Tell me why this happened. Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”

There are no answers as she completely breaks and continues crying, collapsed in my lap. I feel like absolute shit for pushing her to this point, and all my fears are brought back to the forefront. I can’t deny for one second that I don’t resemble my father in frightening ways. That I could be so selfish to be screaming at my girlfriend as she’s crumpled on the floor crying. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but I can’t do that shit to her. Fuck, why did I just do that to her?

“I’m so sorry.” I’m desperate as my voice cracks.

She grips her arms around me while I rest my cheek on top of her head. I can’t believe I let my anger take control of me. Just knowing the thoughts of what I would do to that guy if I ever saw him scares the shit out of me. I can’t let this happen again with her; I just can’t because I know myself well enough to know that I’ll never walk away from her, so I have to get my shit under control.

I rub her back until eventually she quiets down, taking in hiccups of breaths. She has the sleeves of my t-shirt fisted in her hands, and when she lifts her head up, she keeps her eyes closed. I kiss her forehead, and she presses her weight into my lips. She’s exhausted.

“Hey,” I say lightly, and when she hums in response, I encourage, “Can you look at me?”

She does, and when I see how red her eyes are, I feel disgusted with myself.

“I’m so sorry. I should have never raised my voice like that. I just feel so helpless, but how I feel isn’t your fault. I don’t want you to think that it is.”

“You can say that, but the thing is, it’s because of me that you feel this way.”

I don’t know how to respond to her words, but she doesn’t give me time when she says, “I just . . . I don’t want to lose you. I don’t have very many people that . . . I mean . . . I don’t even have a home anymore.”

When she looks up at me and into my eyes I tell her, “You are home.”

“Am I?”

Wiping under her eyes with my thumbs, I ask, “Is this what you want?”

Nodding her head, she whispers, “Yes.”

“Then you’re home,” I give her and wrap her back up in my arms.

Candace wound up getting a bad headache and is sleeping again. Not only is she worn out from what happened earlier, she’s also not feeling well after drinking so much with Jase last night.

I leave her be as I head down to my office. Despite the shit day, I need to call my mom because in Candace’s drunken state last night, she revealed that her birthday is in a few days, and I want to surprise her by having my mom here. They have been talking more and more on the phone, and I know Candace would like to see her. Hell, after this month, it’ll be nice to have her here for a few days.

“Hi, dear,” she says when she answers my call.

“Hey, Mom. I have a favor to ask.”

“Sure. What is it?”

“It’s Candace’s birthday on Thursday, and I was wondering if you can manage to get away for a few days and come stay here with us?” I ask.

“ This Thursday?”

“Yeah.”

“Ryan, that’s in five days. Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” she nags.

“Because I just found out last night. This was sprung on me too, Mom.”

“Why did she wait so long to tell you?”

“I don’t know, but it slipped out last night. I know she’d love to see you, so I was hoping . . .”

“I’ll be there.”

“Thanks. I’m not gonna tell her, so if you two talk before then, don’t mention anything. I want her to be surprised.”

“Lips are sealed.”

“And no gifts,” I remind her.

“Ryan.”

“I have no problem with it, but I know how she is, so . . .”

“Fine. No gifts,” she says with a faint laugh. “How has everything else been? I haven’t talked to Candace in a few days; how did her audition go?”

“It seemed to go really well. She was insanely happy afterward. She should know if she got the solo on Friday.”

“That’s great. Is she around to talk to?”

“She’s sleeping.”

“Oh, okay. Well, tell her to call me when she has time.”

“Yeah, I will.”

“Everything else okay?” she asks, and although I’ve always been open with my mom, I know this thing with Candace will forever remain private, so I simply tell her, “Yeah, Mom. Everything’s great.”

We continue to chat for a few more minutes before we say goodbye. When I walk upstairs, I see Candace curled into a small ball in the center of my bed. Shrugging off my shirt, I crawl in to take a nap with her. I slide in behind her, and as I pull her into me, she rolls over to face me, eyes still closed. Draping my arm around her, she nuzzles her head in the curve of my neck, and finally, after all the tension of the day, I relax in the warmth of her.

“What do you want to do for your birthday, babe?” I ask as she stretches before heading to the studio for rehearsals. I always enjoy seeing her like this—poised, hair up tight in a bun, leotard with an old pair of torn, baggy sweats. There’s no doubt she was made to dance because she completely looks the part, and that look is doing things to me that I need to get under control.

“Nothing. I told Jase that the four of us could just grab dinner.”