Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

No matter what, she has always been there for me, just like she was after I was rejected. That day, I slinked off down the hallway leading out of the auditorium. When she found me and I told her, I could sense her heart crushing alongside mine. She was so mad. I kept telling her I was fine but I know she didn’t believe me.

Dinner this time is more pleasant. Mom and I discuss the nursing home volunteer work for Monday. I muster as much excitement as I can, telling her I can’t wait to get started. No talk of skipping out on my mom’s plan for my future. No talk of running off to my dad’s to escape. No yelling, arguing, screaming, or crying. It's nice.

It's not until I'm about to say goodbye to my dad that I notice something. There is sadness in his eyes that I never saw any other time we said goodbye. Now that I'm keeping my promise to Mom, it means I won’t see him all summer. Then once summer is over, I will be in college and won’t be able to see him until winter break. As I am hugging him, I whisper, “I’ll find a way to come see you before I start school in the fall.”

I can feel him smile. He whispers back, “I’d like that.” I have no idea how but I know I need to. In any case, my dad’s feelings are equally as important as my mom’s.

When I'm finally in bed, I think about the day and how much I have already managed to improve. And with these thoughts of changing the past circling in my mind, I drift off into the most satisfying sleep I have had in months.

Sunlight pours through my curtains and into my eyes. Why did my mom insist on the white satin ones? I squeeze my eyelids shut tighter and yank the covers over my head. Then I have a realization and sit up with a start.

What is today?

I grab my calendar. June third. I'm not reliving graduation day again. Thank goodness. Letting out a huge sigh of relief, I flop back down on my pillow.

But wait. June third.

This means I really am reliving the whole summer and it wasn't my imagination. It also means I must have done something right. If that's the case, I need to make it through the rest of the summer without screwing anything up. This means it is imperative to take into account all the possibilities, what needs to be done, and what needs to be avoided.

My head starts to pound again. This is almost too intense. How am I going to do this?

I sit back up and mutter to myself, “Paper, paper, I need paper,” as I grab a handful of sheets and a pen from my desk. I begin to write.

How Not to Ruin This Summer

1. Volunteer at the nursing home for Mom

2. Watch The O.C. with Kaitlin

3. Spend more time with Chevy

4. Make sure that John doesn’t drive that night.

Those are the most important things, especially the last one. Am I missing anything? I close my eyes and go over everything I remember. From the very brief conversations I had with my mom to the emails Lyndsay sent, there isn’t much to go by. Perhaps it's good I'm mostly going into this blind. It saves me from constantly stating facts before they happen.

I’m so focused that I jump when my phone buzzes. It’s a text message from Lyndsay: “Grad party at Roger’s tonight. You in?”

Oh my goodness. How could I have forgotten about this? Lyndsay told me all about it. There were at least a hundred people there, mostly members of our graduating class but some outsiders and underclassmen. And as Roger’s best friend, Chevy was there…but, then again, so was Heidi.

My stomach sinks. It took all summer for me to forget about this. Lyndsay, and half the party guests, saw them kissing. Of course, the kiss was a one-time thing and they didn't date again. Yet, it still happened. I don’t need to see that.

Wait. Why should I care about that? Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it has to happen again. I could change it. I am trying not to ruin this summer. How can I do that if I let everything go on as if I was not there when I am here now? I have already paved the way to a new destination by staying here instead of leaving. Who’s to say I can’t do the same tonight?

I send back: “I’m in.”

Ben and Lyndsay arrive around six thirty to pick me up. Under normal circumstances, I would have been ready at the door had I not started to over-think what to wear. What do you wear at a party? Would jeans and a T-shirt be too casual? Would a sundress be too formal?

Lyndsay takes one look at the small pile of clothes on my bed and says, “Are you coming down with something?”

“What? No. Why?”

“You never fuss this much over clothes.”

I pause in the middle of my closet-digging. She’s right, I don’t. Why should today be any different from any other day? I attribute it to my wanting to be noticed. All Lyndsay is wearing is a lacy-edged brown tank top with tan capris. I decide to leave it up to her. Lifting up two possibilities, I ask, “Which one?”

“Kelly green tee with denim shorts.”

“Great.” I change into them.

She sits down on my bed and sifts through the clothes. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just couldn’t make up my mind.” I throw on my high-top green sneakers. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Here.” She reaches over to my vanity and pulls out a white bead necklace. “This will complete the outfit.”

I slip the necklace over my head and look at my reflection. Simple and perfect. I give her a nod of approval. “Thanks.”

I leave a note for my mom telling her where I'm going. She left a couple hours ago to take Kaitlin to her friend Paige’s house for a sleepover, then run errands. I make sure to note that I'll be home by ten, since tomorrow is important. That ought to put her mind at ease.

When we get in the car, Ben asks, “What took so long?”

“Fashion crisis,” Lyndsay says, winking at me.

Ben notices. “Ah, I see… Where is this party?”

Lyndsay puts on her seatbelt. “It's at Roger’s house, which is on Woodlawn off Main.”

“Okay.” He pulls out of the driveway. “Is it a left or a right off Main?”

She turns to him. “You know, I’m not sure.”

“It’s a right, remember?” I interject.

She glances back at me, raising one eyebrow. “How can I remember if I’ve never been there?”

Uh-oh. She wouldn’t remember. She told me about getting lost going to this party. I play dumb. “Oh. I thought you had.” She just rolls her eyes at me.

The party is in full swing when we arrive. There are a few people out front but inside it's wall to wall. I get that uneasy feeling again. Less than three months ago, I missed this party. Today, I am here. Today shouldn’t be happening. I wish I knew how it was.

Roger isn't far from the front door. When he spots us, he shouts, “Hey! Welcome!” He gives us all high fives and moves on to the people coming in behind us.

“Let’s find the kitchen and get some drinks,” Lyndsay says. We weave through the crowd until we find it. My eyes search for Chevy. I’m so distracted I don’t hear Lyndsay talking to me. “Hello! Earth to Adrienne!”

I shake my head out of my trance and ask, “What?”

She raises her eyebrows. “You’re acting strange tonight.” She hands me a cup of pop.

“Whatever do you mean, dear Lynds?” I say before I take a sip.

Ben speaks up. “What she means to say is you’re a strange cookie.” He grins as Lyndsay jabs him with her elbow. “Ow! I take it back. You’re very normal, Adrienne.”

With everything I have faced in the last forty-eight hours, I highly doubt that. Still, I laugh and reply, “That might be pushing it a little, but I hope so.”