Robin Alexander - Pitifully Ugly

down the shoulder. The owner of the cell phone looked exactly

like I did as we flew past. I dared not speak until she pulled off

at the next exit.

“Would you take me home, please?” I managed calmly when

we stopped at a light.

“Are you serious?” She looked offended that I’d made such a

request.

“Never mind, I’ll walk.” I was out of the car and halfway into

a convenience store parking lot when Jackie squealed her tires in

protest.

Robin Alexander

I could’ve called a cab, but I wanted Kalen to share in my

misery. After all, she was the cause. She tried to keep a serious

expression as I got into her car, but I could see the grin just waiting

to be turned loose. “She threw the woman’s cell phone?”

“In a week or year, this will be funny as shit, but right now,

Kalen, I want to choke you.”

“I’m sorry.” Kalen pretended to be looking in her side mirror,

but I knew she was on the verge of tears…of laughter. She cleared

her throat and shot me a quick glance. “You look really nice

tonight. How about we not waste a great hair day and go have a

few drinks?”

“Not interested. Take me home or I’ll jump out of your car,

too.”A tiny tear formed at the corner of Kalen’s right eye. In a

matter of minutes, she would have no control of her emotions.

We’d have to pull over until she laughed herself out, and I was in

no mood for it.

“And, Kalen, don’t try to fix me up anymore. I don’t want to

go out with any more wackos.”

“Hey.” Kalen raised a finger. “One bad apple—”

“One bad apple? Try a mixed bag of nuts!” I started ticking

off each catastrophe on my fingers. “There’s the woman who

claimed her cat talked to her, the other one who wanted to tie me

up and suck my toes on the first date, and this latest one tops them

all. Let me pick my own nightmares from now on.”

“Look, sis, I’m sorry. I really am. I have to call Candace right

now, she’s gonna shit.”

“I’ll get out here. You won’t have to make the block,” I said

when we got to my neighborhood.

Kalen reached over and grabbed my sleeve. “Shannon, I’m

sorry.”

“No problem,” I said, not looking back as I climbed out of the

car. I needed the fresh air. Frankly, I was tired of being the butt

of the joke.

I stomped rather than walked down the street toward my

building cursing under my breath. I slowed when I saw the woman

I’d noticed moving in a few days earlier. As anxious as I was to

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Pitifully Ugly

be back in my apartment, I didn’t feel like having to endure small

talk with the new neighbor.

As I approached, I noticed the dog sitting at her feet as she

fumbled with the lock of the courtyard gate. A mass of long blond

curls obscured her face from view. Occasionally, she’d swat at

them angrily as she banged on the gate lock.

“Did you forget your key?” I asked. She spun on one heel,

obviously startled. The dog stood, letting me know that it had her

mistress’s back just in case.

“Do you live here?” She gave me a wary look.

“Uh-huh, third floor.” I pointed just in case she didn’t

understand.

“My key must not work,” she said with a shrug. “It goes in,

but the lock won’t turn.”

“It gets sticky sometimes after it rains or if it’s particularly

humid. Mind if I give it a try?”

She stepped back out of the way, and I jiggled the key until the

lock released. I handed her key back to her. “When I see Kevin,

I’ll ask him to oil it again. That helps a lot.”

“Kevin is your husband?” She ushered her dog through the gate.

“I’m not married,” I managed with an awkward smile.

“Kevin takes care of the building since the Healys don’t live on

the premises. He lives here on the first floor if you ever need

anything.”

“That’s right, Mrs. Healy did tell me about him when I moved

in. Everything’s been a blur this week. I’m Hailey Morgan by the

way. I just moved in.”

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Shannon.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, as well.”

And this is where it gets difficult for me. If I’m talking about

a sticky lock, I’m fine, but beyond the topic at hand, I get tongue-

tied. The more it became apparent that I was expected to talk, my

mind went blank, and I just stood there like a dolt.

Her dog tilted her head, and for a second, I thought I could

read her mind. Speak, moron .

“Well, thank you for letting me in.” Hailey turned and walked

away.

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Robin Alexander

I pretended to find something interesting in the courtyard

so I wouldn’t have to walk into the building with her. After the

door closed behind her, I dropped onto a bench and berated

myself. The night had been a complete disaster, and I topped it

off by humiliating myself in front of a woman who I’d no doubt

encounter again.

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Pitifully Ugly

Chapter 2

The birth of Pitifully Ugly .

Perhaps it was unwise to build my online dating profile in the

Rainbow Room after consuming half a bottle of cabernet, but it

gave me the courage to hit the enter button.

Mid-thirties…well, maybe a little north of that, still single,

house broken but rabid. If you’re looking for something different,

then I’m your girl. Write me if you dare…

I chose a picture taken by my mother when I was six and had

cut my own hair. Mom had done her best to minimize the damage,

but no amount of doctoring could help the freckle-faced kid with

fire engine red hair. She’d taken what was left of my hair and put

it in two dog ears that stuck straight up on either side of my head.

My smile was huge, showing off the gap between my teeth.

My hair fortunately grew back out and turned a deep auburn

as I grew older. Braces had erased the Brycen gap in my front

teeth. The freckles that I detested had all but faded away, and

even still, I saw myself as the ragged imp in that picture. Pitifully

Ugly was the perfect user name.

After I’d sent my profile off to the local lesbian cyber

matchmaker, I went to bed. The chips would fall where they may,

but I seriously doubted that my cynical approach would yield

even one chip for me.

The next morning, I showered and took a good long look at

myself in the mirror. Things had to change. I needed to lose weight

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Robin Alexander

and do something about my hair. I made a promise to myself that

I’d make an appointment at one of the competing salons. I wanted

to keep my transformation private for as long as I could. I think

Kalen’s sister intuition must have kicked in because she called me

the minute after I’d made up my mind.

“Morning, baby sis, wanna meet me for lunch?” she chirped

as only a morning person could.

“I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet.”

“Right,” she countered sarcastically. “But you will be hungry

again by noon.”

I looked out my window at the dreary day. “I have a ton of

work to do, and I don’t feel like going out today. Besides, I’m still

pissed at you.”

I could hear the barely restrained laughter in Kalen’s voice as

she replied, “Suit yourself, but you won’t see me for two weeks.

Remember? We leave for the Caribbean tomorrow.”