Colleen Hoover - Losing Hope

She closes her eyes and lays her head on my shoulder. She tightens her grip around me, so I tighten mine in return. I wait. I wait for it to sink in. I wait for the tears. I wait for the heartbreak because I know for a fact it’s coming.

We sit in silence for several minutes, but the tears never come. I begin to wonder if everything I just said to her is even registering. “Say something,” I beg.

She doesn’t make a sound. She doesn’t even move. Her lack of reaction is starting to worry me, so I place my hand on the back of her head and lower my head closer to hers. “ Please . Say something.”

She slowly lifts her face away from my shoulder and she looks at me with dry eyes. “You called me Hope. Don’t call me that. It’s not my name.”

I didn’t even realize I did. “I’m sorry, Sky.”

Her eyes grow cold and she slides off me, then stands up. “Don’t call me that, either,” she says.

I stand up and take both of her hands, but she pulls away and turns toward the car. I haven’t really thought out what I would do or say after she finally found out the truth from me. I’m not at all prepared for whatever comes next.

“I need a chapter break,” she says, continuing to walk away.

“I don’t even know what that means,” I say, following behind her. Whatever she needs, it’s more than just a chapter break. She needs a chapter break within a chapter break within a chapter break. I can’t imagine how confused she must be right now.

She continues to walk away so I grab her arm but she immediately jerks away from me. She spins around and her eyes are wide with fear and confusion. She begins to take deep breaths like she’s attempting to hold off a panic attack. I don’t know what to say to her and I know she doesn’t want me to touch her right now.

She takes two quick steps forward and she reaches up and grabs my face, standing on the tips of her toes. She presses her lips firmly to mine and kisses me desperately, but I can’t find it in me to kiss her back. I know she’s just scared and confused right now and she’s doing whatever she can to not think about it.

She pulls away from my mouth when she realizes I’m not kissing her back, then she reaches up and slaps me.

What she’s experiencing right now is more than likely more traumatic and more emotional than anything someone can experience in life, short of death. I try to remember that when she reaches up and slaps me again, then pushes against my chest. Panic consumes her completely and she’s screaming and hitting me and the only thing I can do is spin her around and pull her against my chest. I wrap my arms around her from behind and press my lips to her ear. “Breathe,” I whisper. “Calm down, Sky. I know you’re confused and scared, but I’m here. I’m right here. Just breathe.”

I hold her for several minutes, allowing her time to gather her thoughts. I know she has questions. I just need her mind to the point that it can handle all the answers.

“Were you ever going to tell me who I was?” she asks after she pulls away from me. “What if I never remembered? Would you have ever told me? Were you scared I would leave you and you’d never get your chance to screw me? Is that why you’ve been lying to me this whole time?”

The questions she just asked have all been my biggest fears. I’ve been so scared she wouldn’t understand my reasoning for not telling her. “No. That’s not how it was. That’s not how it is . I haven’t told you because I’m scared of what will happen to you. If I report it, they’ll take you from Karen. They’ll more than likely arrest her and send you back to live with your father until you turn eighteen. Do you want that to happen? You love Karen and you’re happy here. I didn’t want to mess that up for you.”

She shakes her head and laughs a disheartening laugh. “First of all,” she says. “They wouldn’t put Karen in jail because I can guarantee you she knows nothing about this. Second, I’ve been eighteen since September. If my age was the reason you weren’t being honest, you would have told me by now.”

I look down at the ground because it’s too hard to look her in the eyes.

“Sky, there’s so much I still need to explain to you,” I say. “Your birthday wasn’t in September. Your birthday is May 7. You don’t even turn eighteen for six more months. And Karen?” I walk forward and take her hands. “She has to know, Sky. She has to. Think about it. Who else could have done this?”

As soon as I say it, she pulls her hands from mine and steps back like I’ve just insulted her.

“Take me home,” she says, shaking her head in disbelief. “I don’t want to hear anything else. I don’t want to know anything else tonight.”

I grab her by the hands again and she slaps them away. “TAKE ME HOME!”

We’re parked in her driveway sitting silently in her car. I made her promise me she wouldn’t say anything to Karen during the drive back to her house. She says she isn’t going to say anything until we talk again tomorrow, but I still don’t like the thought of leaving her here in the condition she’s in.

She pulls open the door, but I grab her hand. “Wait,” I say. She pauses. “Will you be okay tonight?”

She sighs and falls back against the passenger seat. “How?” she says with a defeated voice. “How can I possibly be okay after tonight?”

I push her hair behind her ear. I don’t want to leave her. I want to reassure her that I’m not walking away from her this time. “It’s killing me . . . letting you go like this,” I say. “I don’t want to leave you alone. Can I come back in an hour?”

She shakes her head no. “I can’t,” she says weakly. “It’s too hard being around you right now. I just need to think. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

I nod, then pull my hand back and place it on the steering wheel. As much as it hurts, I need to give her what she wants right now. I know she needs time to process all the things going through her mind. To be honest, I think I need time to process it, too.

Les,

She knows.

And I can’t believe I just dropped her off at her house and left. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to be around me right now. There’s no way in hell I can just leave her alone. I wish you were here right now because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

H

I shoot straight up when I hear her scream next to me on her bed. She’s gasping for breath.

Another nightmare.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she says.

I glance down at my watch, then rub my eyes. I’m trying to sort out what all has been real in the past few hours and what all was a dream.

Unfortunately, it was all real.

I place my hand on her leg and scoot closer to her. Her eyes are terrified. “I couldn’t leave you. I just needed to make sure you were okay.” I slide my hand around her neck and her pulse is pounding against my palm. “Your heart. You’re scared.”

She’s looking at me wide-eyed. Her chest is heaving and the fear rolling off her is breaking me. She brings her hand to mine and squeezes it. “Holder . . . I remember.”

I immediately turn her to face me and I force her eyes up to mine. “What do you remember?” I ask, nervous for her answer.

She begins to shake her head, not wanting to say it. I need her to say it, though. I need to know what she remembers. I nod my head, silently coaxing her to continue. She takes a deep breath. “It was Karen in that car. She did it. She’s the one who took me.”