Erin McCarthy - Believe

“I want to see if that fucking asshole answers.” Kylie wiped her nose with her finger, her perfect French manicure neat and tidy against her streaking mascara and leaking nose.

I closed my eyes briefly, knowing that she was not going to see what she wanted to. That she was only going to add to her hurt.

“Oh, look, he answered,” she said, waving the phone and giving a watery laugh. “What was that, about a minute? Can’t remember the last time he answered me that fast. But then again, my pussy doesn’t taste like chocolate. And I can’t remember the last time he wanted to fuck me hard, which was what he suggested to you in one of these twenty-seven text messages. Yes, twenty-seven!” She took a breath, then her lips moved as she silently read.

“What did you write to him?” Jessica asked nervously.

Did it matter? It wasn’t going to change anything. My hands were shaking, and I was sobbing myself, not even sure what to say to defend myself. There were no words to make this better and I hated myself all over again.

Kylie didn’t answer. She just suddenly lunged at me with a shriek, her nails catching me across the face before I could react. The sharp pain and the flailing arms caused me to scream, too, and I threw my hands up to block any further blows.

But she was already retreating, her face crumpling as the anger turned to distress. She threw my phone at me, and it bounced off my chest painfully and crashed to the floor.

“Kylie, let me explain,” I begged.

She just shook her head and waved her hands back and forth. “Shut up. Just shut up.” Digging in her pocket she pulled out her phone and dialed a number. When the person on the other end answered, she screamed, “How could you? I’m breaking up with you and I never want to see your fucking face ever again!”

When she hung up, she stumbled toward the stairs and tripped in her shoes. Yanking them off, she took off down the stairs, crying.

“I’ll go after her!” Rory said frantically, grabbing her purse.

“I should go,” I said, starting toward the stairs.

“No.” Jessica put her hand in front of me. “It won’t help. Let her process.”

“But . . . ,” I said weakly. I knew she was right. I was the last person Kylie wanted to see. “Oh, God.” I crumpled over, hiding my face in my hands, sobbing.

“What the hell happened?” Jessica asked, sounding stunned. “Why would you have sex with Nathan? That’s so not you. You don’t even hook up with the majority of guys you make out with, so explain to me why.”

Shaking my head, I sat down on the floor and crossed my legs, not bothering to wipe my face. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except I had severed an artery in my best friend and she hated me and would forever.

“Remember that party at the Shit Shack where Riley threw that guy’s face into the booze can?” I said, voice shaky.

Jessica frowned. “Yeah. You were hanging with that Aaron guy.”

“He ditched me. And we were super drunk, remember? You were upset, and we drank a crapload of vodka.” I fingered my bracelet, spinning it around and around. “I was really, really drunk.”

“So was I. I fell out of my shoes and puked after yelling at Riley for not wanting to have sex with me. Because you know, nothing is hotter than a drunk girl falling all over the place.” She rolled her eyes. “Did Aaron do something? He seemed like a nice guy, but you never know. I mean, if he did something and then Nathan was helping you . . .”

The words were stuck in my throat. But I forced them out. “No. He just went off with some other chick after I made out with him and then, I guess, Nathan took me home. The last thing I remember is going to the keg for another drink. And then I woke up the next day in Nathan’s bed. Everything else is just . . . nothingness.”

“I knew something happened at that party.” Jessica shook her head slowly. “God, I should have stayed. I knew I should have stayed. And the next day you didn’t answer my text until like dinnertime and it just seemed like something was wrong. Then you basically withdrew all summer.”

Miserable, I nodded. “I completely blacked out, but we obviously did . . . and I just feel so awful. I mean, why would I do that? Who the hell does that to her friend? I hate myself for that night. That’s why I quit drinking. I don’t trust myself, because I didn’t think that even shitfaced I would do that.”

Jessica bit her lip. “I don’t know why you would do that either. I mean, we’ve all done stupid shit drunk, but I’ve never blacked out, so I don’t know. I don’t know what I could do that loaded.”

“It was the worst moment of my life waking up and realizing what I had done.” I shuddered.

“So this is why you wanted to move out. Why you stopped drinking and stopped washing your hair. God.” Jessica’s voice was soft, and I couldn’t tell if she felt sympathy or if she was just absolutely disgusted by me.

“Yes.”

“So what was all that with the texts?” she asked. “I mean, you woke up and freaked out and took off, right?”

I nodded.

“And you told Nathan it was a mistake?”

“Yes.” My eyes were puffy and stinging, cheek throbbing from Kylie’s nails, and I welcomed the discomfort. I deserved way worse than a nail raking. “But Nathan doesn’t feel bad about it. He texted me all summer, trying to hook up with me. I told him to stop like multiple times. I thought he had for a while until I started dating Phoenix. For some reason that bothers him and he started again.”

“So what Kylie read was a bunch of sexts from Nathan?”

Nodding, I picked my phone off the floor and handed it to her. Maybe if she knew the whole truth she could be there for Kylie in a way I couldn’t. “Look. I didn’t encourage him in any way. I just wanted him, it, to go away.”

Jessica scrolled through, twin spots of red appearing on her cheeks. “That asshole. Jesus, poor Kylie . . . God, how could he do this?”

I knew what she seeing. There were two dozen texts saying things like, “Want to see you, taste you. Mmm.” “Had so much fun. Ur a little freak and I love that.” “Bored and horny. U busy?”

My responses were pretty clear. “Not interested. Stop texting.” “It was a mistake, not happening again.”

“What did he write tonight?”

“She texted him that she was thinking about that night and he wrote, and I quote, “Best blow job of my life. Name time & place and lets make it happen again.”

I actually gagged. For a second I thought I might throw up, just right there on the living room floor, all in my own lap. But I took a few huge gulps of air and fought back the nausea and the panic. “He’s an asshole. Kylie deserves better than this.”

“Hell yeah she does. I wonder if he is texting and hooking up with other girls.”

It wasn’t a thought I’d ever had before, but it didn’t seem like a stretch that he probably was. It seemed to come far too easily for him, with absolutely zero guilt. “I don’t know. I hope not, for her sake. And maybe I should go get STD testing.” That thought hadn’t occurred to me before either. I had just figured I was a drunk mistake that he discovered he enjoyed, not that Nathan was a serial cheater.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

I lost it again, choking on a sob. “If I could take this back, I would. God, I would give anything to undo this. Poor Kylie.”

Jessica looked grim. “Well, now she knows that he’s a dick. She was going to find out sooner or later, whether it was you or someone else.”

“Well, I wish it was someone else if it had to happen at all. Knowing it was me makes it extra awful.”

“I’m texting Rory. We need to make sure Kylie doesn’t do something stupid.” Jessica went for her phone. “Shit, she already texted me. She’s going to find Nathan to confront him. Rory is with her but she wants backup.”