K. Robinson: Twisted Ties

“I don’t understand. You’ve been sleeping on the couch, and you barely talk to me.”

“I’m on the couch because I thought it was what you wanted. I thought you needed space. And I’ve tried to talk to you, but it’s kind of hard when you only give me one-word answers. You’ve been living in your own head for weeks, and I have no idea what you’re thinking. You have to help me understand what’s going on in there. I want to help you in any way I can.”

“I don’t want to lose you, but I feel like you’re slipping away, and there’s nothing I can do to change that,” she said.

“I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to. I’ve been trying to give you space, so you can figure things out.”

“I’m so scared of everything. I keep reliving everything that she did to me,” she said as tears filled her eyes.

“She’s gone, Emma. She can’t hurt you anymore.”

“Part of me knows that, but the other part wants to hide under the bed. I keep waiting for her to show up again.”

“You’re safe. She will never touch you again.”

“I kept picturing you every time she would hurt me, you know. I willed myself to be strong enough to overcome it, so I could see you again.” She took a deep breath. “I tried to fight back when she showed up here. I wasn’t strong enough though. She won without even trying. Then, I tried to get away at the house where she was keeping me. I pushed her down a flight of stairs, Jesse. What kind of person does that make me to do something like that to another human being?”

“You were trying to protect yourself. No one thinks badly of you for it.”

I hated how much this was hurting her. Anyone else in her position would have done the exact same thing. Emma was one of the few people in this world who would feel guilt from causing pain to her would-be killer.

“She made me pay for that. That’s why she cut me. She said she wanted to hurt me because I’d hurt her. The pain was horrible, Jesse. I wanted to die when she sliced through my skin.”

I could barely stand to sit here and listen to her talk about what Ally had done, but I knew I had to. Emma had to talk to someone. She had to get it all out. That didn’t make it any less painful for me though.

“I’ve never felt anything like that. She did it slowly, so I felt every centimeter.”

“I’m so sorry that you had to go through that, Emma,” I choked out.

“It’s not your fault.”

“But it is. If it weren’t for me, you never would have had to go through that. I’m so sorry.”

“None of us realized just how sick she was. She loved you so much that it drove her crazy—literally. She kept telling me that once I was gone, you’d finally let me go and realize that you loved her back. She thought that you loved her but didn’t know it. She blamed me for the fact that you refused to love her back.”

“Maybe if I hadn’t been so cruel to her, then she would have reacted differently.”

Emma shook her head. “I don’t think so. I don’t think there was anything you or I could have done to help her. She was too far gone, lost in her own mind. It didn’t matter what I told her. She refused to listen. Whatever you said to her that night on the phone saved my life. She’d planned to keep me for a while, but then she said she didn’t have time for all the stuff she had planned because she had to meet with you. If you hadn’t talked with her, she would have tortured me and killed me slowly.”

“I told her that I loved her.”

Emma smiled weakly. “She obviously believed you. I just wish that I could make myself forget all of it. I’m so tired of replaying it over and over in my head.”

“Is that what your nightmares are about?” I asked.

“Sometimes, I dream about what happened. Other times, I dream about what would have happened if she’d had the time. Occasionally, it’s about her sneaking in while you’re asleep on the couch, and then she smothers me in your bed.” She shuddered. “When she knocked me out, I had a dream that you saved me, but she killed you for it. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I thought it was real. I thought that I’d lost you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. Don’t worry about that. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to sleep beside you again. Maybe it will help with the dreams if I’m with you.”

“I’d like that,” she whispered.

I pulled her into my arms. It felt so good to hold her again. “We’ll get through this, Emma. I swear, we will.”

“I hope so.”

“I think you should see someone. You need to get it all out.”

“A therapist?”

I nodded. “Yeah, the doctor gave me a few names when you were in the hospital. Will you let me call one of them for you?”

She was silent for a moment. “I’ll try to talk with one of them, but I can’t promise that it’ll help.”

“I think it will. I’ll call first thing tomorrow. Tonight, I just want to hold you in my arms.”

I stood and picked her up. She smiled for the first time in weeks as I carried her to my bed and laid her down. I crawled in next to her and pulled her close. I’d missed this. I’d missed her.

Things would work out. They had to. I wouldn’t let her go without a fight.

Three Months Later

Emma was healing. I could see the changes daily. It took a couple of weeks for her therapy sessions to start helping her, but I noticed the changes as soon as they happened. It was hard not to notice when I was watching her every move. I was terrified to let her out of my sight.

The only time I left her side was when I was in class or grocery shopping. I would make sure to stock up on enough food, so I only had to go to the store once or twice a month. Hell, I was even learning to cook a few things. It was a big change after living off of cereal most of the time.

The changes in Emma were small at first, beginning with a smile here and there. She started to talk more, and then the nightmares stopped coming every night. She still had them, but instead of being a constant in her life, they slowed to once or twice a week.

I nearly dropped my bag on my foot the day I came home to hear her talking to her dad on the phone. Up until then, she’d refused to talk to anyone. Instead, I was forced to tell them how she was doing.

Andy came over a couple of times a week for dinner, but he stayed away more often than not. When I asked him why, he told me that he couldn’t stand to look at Emma after what his own sister had done. The guilt was killing him inside. No matter how many times I explained to him that it wasn’t his fault, he refused to believe it. Emma noticed his absence and asked what was wrong. I lied and told her that he was working more hours. She had enough to deal with without adding Andy’s guilt to her conscience.

Valentine’s Day had been almost nonexistent in our house. In an attempt to cheer Emma up, I offered to take her out for dinner. She refused, saying that she wasn’t in the mood to celebrate any kind of holiday. I agreed not to go out, but I still bought her a present. Instead of being excited when I handed her the small box with a necklace inside, she was upset that she hadn’t gotten me anything. I told her that it didn’t matter, but she refused to listen. A few days later, a package showed up for me with a new CD. I couldn’t help but laugh at her choice of music. She was trying at least.

Emma was meeting with her therapist three times a week. When she first started seeing him, she refused to talk about her sessions with me. I hated that. I felt like she was trying to keep me away. I didn’t want her to push me away or protect me from what was going on inside of that head of hers. I wanted her to feel like she could trust me. She finally started opening up to me a few weeks after she’d started. Even though she didn’t share much, she was still sharing. I’d take anything I could get at this point. I wasn’t picky. I just wanted in.