K. Robinson: Tainted

“Wake up, asshole!” someone shouted at me.

I was too hungover to care. I groaned as I rolled over, but I refused to open my eyes. Whoever it was could go take a flying leap.

“Wake! Up!” the person yelled into my ear.

I felt like lightning was shooting through my head. My eyes opened slowly, and I saw Chloe glaring down at me. “Chloe?”

“Good job. You know who I am. Now, get up.”

I instantly went on alert at the anger in her voice. She was obviously still pissed about my little scene at the bar last night.

I slowly sat up and looked at her. “Not so loud. My head is killing me.”

“It’s really going to hurt after I get through with you,” she said as she threw something at me. “Look what fell out of your pocket.”

My eyes widened as I realized what it was. I glanced back and forth between the bag and her, trying to think of something to say. “That’s not mine.”

“Don’t lie to me, Drake. I’m not stupid! It fell out of your pocket!” she screeched.

Eric stood up from his bed and put his hand on her shoulder to keep her from attacking me. “Hey, calm down.”

I watched as she turned to glare at him.

“Stay out of this. Actually, I want you guys to give us a minute alone.”

“I, uh…you’re kind of mad right now. I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Eric said.

“No, I want to be alone with him. Please.”

Eric seemed unsure, but Jade nodded.

“We’ll be outside. Just yell if you need us,” Jade said.

Chloe waited until Eric, Jade, and Adam left to turn back to me. Neither of us spoke as we stared at each other. Her eyes welled up with tears, and I felt my chest tighten as I watched them slide down her cheeks. I knew I was causing her pain, but I didn’t know how to stop it.

“How could you?” she whispered.

“I didn’t—” I started.

She held up her hand. “No, just stop. Tell me the truth.”

I stood and reached out for her, but she pushed me away. That hurt more than I wanted to admit. I never wanted Chloe to push me away. “Chloe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“That’s a lie. If you didn’t want it to happen, you wouldn’t have started using to begin with. You’ve gone years without using. I thought you were done with this shit.”

“I was. I mean, I am. Everything got to me, and I wanted a release. I never meant to keep using, but things just kept getting worse,” I said, trying to explain my reasoning. I knew using made me weak, but I couldn’t help it.

“Drugs are not a release. They’re a prison. How long?”

I looked away. I was ashamed and terrified to admit just how long I’d been using cocaine again. I knew she would be disappointed, and I didn’t want her to hate me any more than she already did.

“How long have you been using again?” she repeated the question.

When I looked up at her, I saw that she was actually shaking. Whether it was from pain or anger, I wasn’t sure. “Since the night Kadi showed up with the pictures.”

“Jesus, Drake!”

“It’s not a big deal, all right?” I said defensively. If she understood that I had it under control, maybe she wouldn’t be so mad.

“Not a big deal? Are you kidding me? You know what I went through with my mother, and I’m not about to go through it again with you!”

Rage filled me at the comparison to her mother. “I’m nothing like her. I would never hurt you like that!”

“You already did, Drake. You’ve been lying to me this entire time. And don’t even get me started on your anger issues. I won’t do it again. I want you to get help.”

“What do you mean, help? I don’t see what the big deal is, Chloe. I’ve got it under control.”

“No, you don’t, or you wouldn’t still be using. I want you to go to rehab again. Please…for us.”

“I’m not going to rehab, Chloe! You’re overreacting to all of this!” I shouted, finally losing my temper. There was no way I was going back to rehab. Besides, I had it under control.

“Then, stop using right now!” she shouted back.

“I will when we go back home. I promise!”

“Bullshit, Drake. You can’t stop. Either you go to rehab, or we’re done!”

My mouth opened and closed, but no words came out.

“I mean it, Drake. Either you get your shit together, or I’m walking out the door right now, and I won’t be back.”

“You don’t mean that, Chloe. You wouldn’t just leave me like that. You love me.”

“You’re right. I do love you. But I have to do what’s right for me, too. I can’t be with you if you won’t stop, Drake. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that again.”

“Just wait until we finish the tour, and I’ll go. I swear to you, I will.” I started to panic. She couldn’t give up on me that easily.

“No, I won’t wait that long. Either you go now, or it’s over.”

“Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!” I kicked the bag next to me, and the contents scattered. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because I love you, and I want you to get help! You haven’t been on them long, and it won’t be hard to stop.”

“I can’t do rehab. Just let me do this on my own. Please.” I didn’t need help. I knew I could handle this on by myself.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Drake, but if you won’t go, then it’s time for me to leave.”

“You wouldn’t really leave me, Chloe. Think about it. I love you. Hell, I want to marry you someday!”

I winced as I watched her face pinch up in pain. It wasn’t the best time to throw that at her, but I was desperate. I loved her more than life itself, and I didn’t want to lose her. Maybe if she knew just how much I loved her, she wouldn’t do this to me, to us.

“Good-bye, Drake. I love you.” She stepped closer to me and kissed my cheek.

“Chloe, please don’t go,” I pleaded.

She ignored me as she walked off the bus.

I stood there, frozen for a moment. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to run after her, but what good would it do? She had made up her mind about me, and nothing I said would change her decision. I kicked my bunk before running to the window. As I looked out, I saw Jade, Eric, and Adam standing next to the door, talking to Chloe. I watched as Jade held her arms out, and Chloe fell into them. My heart broke when I saw Chloe sobbing while Jade rubbed her back. When Chloe pulled away from Jade, Eric stepped up to her and hugged her tightly. I felt rage fill me as I watched another man comfort her. She was mine, yet I was the one causing her pain. It shouldn’t be Eric holding her, it should’ve been me. How could things have gotten so fucked-up so quickly?

She stepped away from Eric and started toward her car, but Adam stopped her. He surprised me when he wrapped his arms around her. Adam was never one to get all emotional, yet there he was, taking care of her. I really had fucked up.

I watched as he whispered in her ear, and she laughed. She stepped away and waved at everyone before she got into her car. She pulled away without a backward glance. I stood, frozen, as the band stood by the bus and watched her leave until she disappeared around the corner.