Molly McAdams: Deceiving Lies

She reached again, but I put my index finger out and she immediately wrapped her tiny fingers around it, her little eyes widening as she stared at it.

As soon as Ava was back in the living room, the potty-dance daughter started crying, and Ava turned them right back around and disappeared down the hall. But I didn’t mind, I was enjoying having little Shea with me. Her eyes were growing heavy as she continued to watch her fingers wrapped around mine, and by the time Ava was walking back toward us, she was out. Her little lips were slightly open, and my chest and neck were warm from the heat she was emanating.

“She’s asleep?”

“Yeah, just happened,” I whispered and was getting ready to sit up to hand her back off when I noticed the relieved look on Ava’s face. “I can keep holding her . . .”

“Oh my God, would you? I know as soon as she’s up I won’t be able to eat, I need to grab something now while she’s asleep.”

“Yeah, go for it.” Smiling at her softly, I leaned back into the couch and looked down at the tiny baby sleeping on me. It couldn’t be that hard. She was sleeping, and I was just sitting here anyway . . . right?

Looking up, my eyes locked on Kash’s expression, and everything in me locked up. His eyebrows were scrunched together and drawn down, like he was trying to figure out the answer to a difficult question, and he was pulling his lip ring into his mouth the way he did when he was mad. Though he was looking directly at me, his eyes were unfocused and I had to wave my free hand to get his attention.

His stormy eyes snapped back to life, and from across the room I watched as he raised one eyebrow and jerked his head up once in question.

I mouthed an are you okay? to him and felt my body relax when his smirk transformed his face back to the Kash I knew.

“Don’t you just look perfect with a baby.”

My head turned to look at Kash’s grandma who had just sat down on my left. She was a short woman that, from my limited interaction with her, looked like she lived to feed her family and give hugs. She was absolutely adorable. My eyes automatically dropped to the sleeping baby, and I gave her a small smile as I laughed awkwardly. “Um . . .” How do you respond to that?

“That was a compliment, dear. You look very comfortable like that, like you were made to hold a baby.”

“Oh, well thank you.” That so didn’t sound like a compliment. It felt like it should be followed up with Kash telling me I should be barefoot in the kitchen.

“So beautiful,” she murmured as she touched my engagement ring and looked happily back up at me. “Do you plan to give me more great-grandchildren soon? I’ll be here for only so long . . .” she trailed off and laughed heartily.

“I don’t know about that, we haven’t really talked about it. We’re still young,” I cut off quickly when I realized Ava was barely older than me and already had two kids. But for shit’s sake I had barely turned twenty-two a couple months ago. I was still getting used to taking care of Trip, I didn’t even want to think about having a baby.

“Of course you are, darling girl! You have all the time in the world. This is just an old woman greedy for more babies to spoil rotten. Though I’m sure with you and Logan being the only children in your families, both of your parents will be spoiling your children senseless.”

My stomach dropped and I kept the smile plastered to my face. “Yeah, probably,” I murmured.

A feeling dangerously close to what I’d experienced at the dress shop started unfurling in the pit of my stomach and slowly made its way up my chest to grip at my heart. My breaths were coming painfully, and I worked hard at staying in control of my outward emotions. The girls that had been braiding my hair earlier ran up to their great-grandma to ask when we were eating, and I’d never been more thankful for the distraction of little kids than I was in that instant.

When I was sure I had a handle on my emotions, I looked over at Kash again and immediately wished I hadn’t. He was staring in my direction—once again at nothing—and the beer bottle in his hand was halfway to his lips, frozen in air. What is with him today? When I failed at trying to get his attention, I stood up from the couch, making sure not to jostle Shea.

“Excuse me,” I mumbled to Kash’s grandma, and made my way outside where tables were set up and most of the women were.

“Hi, future daughter-in-law.” Marcy grinned at me and looked over at Ava. “I swear she is the best baby. Logan would never just sleep like this. He had to be in a car seat in order to fall asleep, and when he wasn’t sleeping, he was screaming.”

Ava launched into a play-by-play of Shea’s usual days, and I turned to look at one of Kash’s aunts, who touched my arm when I sat down.

“Marcy was telling us all of the wedding details! Are you so excited?”

Smiling widely, I readjusted Shea on my chest and nodded. “I really am, the next two and a half months need to hurry up. I’m ready.”

“It sounds like it’s going to be beautiful, we’re all so happy for Logan.” Leaning closer, she placed a hand on my knee and spoke softly. “She also told us about your parents, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

This was not happening. Could I not get a break from this pain lately? I’d started healing before I moved here, and I felt like everything that had happened in the last few weeks had sent me spiraling back to the very beginning.

“Me too.” I offered her a weaker smile and faced straight ahead.

“Do you plan to just walk down the aisle alone then?”

God. Breathe, Rachel. Keep breathing. The sickening pain threatened to choke me, and I struggled to maintain my unaffected facade. She wasn’t being hateful, none of these people were, but it felt like they were cutting into me worse than Blake had done with physical blades.

“No, I uh—I have someone to walk me,” I answered and cleared my throat.

“Oh good, that just about broke my heart when Marcy told us. You’re a strong girl,” she assured and patted my knee a few times.

“Thank you.” I sat there silently as the table full of women continued their earlier conversations, and I soon excused myself for the second time in just a handful of minutes.

I held Shea’s warm body in my arms and wandered around the backyard, pretending to be interested in the flower beds that lined the walls. But my thoughts were anywhere but on the exotic-looking flowers.

For the first time in close to a year, I felt trapped. As sweet as they were, I wanted to get away from the people here. As much as I wanted to marry Kash, I wanted to get away from all the wedding planning. As happy as I was being here, I wanted to get away from Florida.

I just wanted to run. I wanted to go back in time five years and enjoy the last few months with my parents all over again. I wouldn’t have taken a second with them for granted. Hell, I wouldn’t have let them go on that stupid trip in the first place. My throat burned, and I looked down at Shea when she lazily dragged her head so her other cheek was lying on me.

My parents hadn’t been there for my high school graduation—and being in my catatonic state, I had felt like I wasn’t present for it either. But everything happening now? Everything that was to come? They wouldn’t be there, and I needed them.

I’d needed my mom there with me when I bought my dress. I needed my dad there to walk me down the aisle and give me away to Kash. And I needed them there for whenever we had kids. They were supposed to be there through all of it, and they couldn’t. How was I supposed to get through everything without them?

Shea’s little hand fisted around the collar of my shirt again and I swallowed the imaginary lump in my throat when realization set in. I wasn’t sure I could get through everything without them.