Jennifer Probst - Searching for Perfect

“Yeah, me too.” They chatted for a bit more, and then he kissed her on the cheek and watched her disappear.

And the question pulsed through his mind. What next?

Maybe . . . nothing.

He sipped his drink and went over his options. If he was going to have a shot at happiness with someone else, he needed to get over Kennedy. Dating other women and hoping to forget wasn’t helping. Maybe he’d take a break. He liked his new home. Enjoyed his new friendships. He was confident to approach women now and open to possibilities. Kennedy had given him all those gifts, but until his heart was free to give again, he was only going through the motions.

Yes. He’d pull out of Kinnections. Forfeit the fee, take some time to heal, and go back on his own terms. He couldn’t be involved with Kate or Arilyn when he’d only be hoping to catch a glimpse of his real matchmaker. Distance and time was what he needed.

Nate paid the bill and walked home. The spring evening was lively with crowds, mingling in and out of the shops and filling up the outdoor cafés. The moon was full tonight, a beautiful orangey disc hanging over the Hudson. The Tappan Zee Bridge spread deep and long, with twinkling lights against the black sky. He stopped to chat a bit with a few residents and when he reached the door, he felt positive about his decision.

His brother was propped up on the sofa, beer at his side, chips on the table, Breaking Bad on the big screen. “Hey, you’re home early. Everything okay?”

Nate joined him on the sofa. God, he was tired. “Yeah.”

“Date good?”

“Nah, she broke up with me.”

His brother cranked his head around. “Are you kidding? Why?”

He shrugged and grabbed a few chips. “She met someone at work. We didn’t have any chemistry. Blah, blah, blah.”

“Dude, that sucks. Wanna go out and get drunk?”

Nate laughed. “No, I agreed with her. I’m actually relieved. I’m gonna take a break from the dating scene for a while. Get my head together.”

His brother gave him a strange look. “I think that’s the wrong move. You need to get laid. Get out there and date someone else. Don’t stop and don’t look back.”

“I’m not like you. It’s not that easy.”

“This is about her, isn’t it? Your matchmaker? You’re still pining when you should be celebrating you got rid of her. She’s toxic, man.”

He shook his head. “No. She’s just like you, Con.”

His brother popped off the sofa with his mouth open like a guppy. “What? What the hell did you just say to me?”

Crap. What a night. But it was time for some hard truth, and he was tired of skirting the real issue. “She’s like you. You both got damaged from the past. You’re both afraid to trust. Hell, neither of you thinks you deserve a real relationship, citing bullshit excuses like you don’t want to be tied down, or have a long list of people you’ve already prejudged and declared guilty. Look at you, for example. No cosmetologists, no beautiful women, no women who are too smart and who’ll judge you. It’s ridiculous. Kennedy did the same thing. Told me over and over we weren’t compatible, or that she’d end up breaking my heart.”

“She would break your heart!”

“How do you know? Because she’s beautiful? Because she’d leave me for someone better one day, like Mom did? You both drive me crazy! There’s no guarantees here. Bottom line is you have to be willing to go for it. Kennedy couldn’t. I hope one day she does, because I think I’ll love that woman till the day I die. But you? You still have a shot. Get your head out of your ass and do something with your life.”

Rage poured from his brother’s figure. Connor grabbed him by his shirt, dragged him off the couch, and shook him like a dog showing dominance. “Fuck you! I tried and didn’t get that supervisor job. I’m not a college-educated brilliant scientist, and I never will be. This is all I got!”

Nate shoved him away and fisted his hands. “Fuck you ! Who said this is all you got? Mom? Dad? Me? You? Decide what you want, and you go after it. If getting a supervisor position means a college degree, go back to school.”

Connor pushed him back, and got in his face. Spittle flew from his mouth as he growled, “Fuck you! I don’t have the money.”

Nate took the first punch. A nice, clean arc connecting with his brother’s jaw. “Fuck you! You sacrificed and put me through school and raised me. You don’t think I’d pay for your education and anything else you need? Why can’t I finally give something back to you?”

Connor held his jaw, lowered his body, and sicced him with a powerful uppercut that snapped his head back. Little birdies began to fly, and then the world steadied. “Fuck you! I’m not smart enough to go to college.”

Nate bent low and head butted him in the stomach. His brother gasped for air and fell back. “Fuck you! You’ve always been smart, but you never had the chance to show it. You’re a natural at management, and a business degree would give you everything you want. Pussy!”

His brother straightened and stepped in the ring. “Who you calling a pussy?”

They stopped talking and started punching. Nate used everything he was taught and added some new moves, but Connor was the master and blocked most of the serious jabs. Finally, they both fell back on the floor, panting for breath, adrenaline pumping and filling up the room.

It was beautiful.

His muscles let go, and he laid his head back on the floor, catching up on his oxygen and staring at the ceiling. He sensed his brother was doing the same. After a while, Connor’s voice drifted up. “Would you really put me through college?”

“Yeah.”

A pause. “You think I could do it?”

“I know you could.”

“The guys use this local community college that gives discounted rates. I could still work, go to class at night, and take the accelerated weekend ones to finish earlier.”

“You already checked into it, huh?”

A sigh echoed. “Yeah.”

“Good. Register this week.”

“Okay. Where’d you learn that ‘right hook, swipe the knee at the same time’ move?”

“Took what you gave me and tweaked it a bit. A bit of science helps.”

“Nice. Hey, Nate?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you still love that matchmaker? If she wanted you back, would you go?”

His heart died a little, but he was used to it, and figured one day it wouldn’t ache so much. Maybe. Maybe not. “I love her. But I don’t know. It would depend. She needs to take a hell of a leap for me to believe she’ll stick. Because I won’t survive losing her a second time.”

“I hear you.”

They lay in silence for a while, then slowly got up. Retrieved their beer. And started watching Breaking Bad , side by side.

KATE PEEKED IN her office. “You okay?”

She forced a smile. “Hanging in there.”

“Ladies’ night. Mugs. Friday. Gen’s coming.”

Ken raised her brow. “You believe her?”

“David’s out of town at a conference so I think she’ll sneak out. Jane and Arilyn are in.”

“Okay.” She tried to keep her voice from sounding lackluster, but her energy was low these days. The knowledge that she’d lost Nate for good would take her a long recovery time. But she was making some changes. She’d gone back to her therapist, and the sessions were helpful. All that time she’d gotten her body back to being healthy, she’d forgotten the other important half. To love all of herself, good and bad, fat and skinny, smart and not so smart. They were delving deep, and though the work was painful, a weight began to lift from her soul.

Three weeks had passed since she officially lost Nate. Both Mary and he had withdrawn from Kinnections, and she hoped he was happy with her.