Jessica Sorensen - Nova and Quinton - No Regrets

I sit back and retrieve my cell phone from my pocket. I’ve been making recordings of myself for a year and a half now and it’s sort of become a habit whenever I’ve got a lot of clutter in my head, like I do right now. For me it’s like writing in a diary, even though I also use some of the stuff for film class. Although it didn’t originally start out like that. I first started doing it during a rough time in my life, about a year after my boyfriend Landon killed himself. He’d made a recording right before he did it and for some reason making recordings myself made me feel closer to him. Eventually I learned to let it go—the need to still connect with him.

I sit up straight on the sofa and press the button that flips the screen at myself, and my image pops up on the screen. My long brown hair runs to my shoulders and my green eyes stare back at me. My skin has a healthy glow to it and freckles dot my nose. I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world, but I look decent when I’m sober and my system is clean, which it has been for a year now.

After I get the right angle, I clear my throat and start recording. “Tristan can be so serious sometimes, at least when he’s doing stuff he doesn’t want to do. Not at all the same person I knew two months ago or even two years ago. He’s been sober for over three months now and living with me and Lea, my best friend for over a year. It’s good that he’s more serious though because it seems to be keeping him out of trouble. He goes to work at the coffee shop a mile away from the house and attends the university and stays away from parties. I can tell there’s times when he’d rather be out doing something fun than sitting in the house eating pizza with Lea and me, but he always stays, which to me means at the moment everything is okay, at least I hope it is. And I hope it is for Quinton. I wish I knew. Something… anything about him, but he won’t talk to me and never wrote me back when I sent him a letter a month ago. I’m not sure if he’s mad at me, but Tristan assures me he’s not. That he probably feels guilty over putting me through what he did, but I don’t want that for him. He has enough guilt as it is and I’m okay now. I really am. Healthy. Happy. And moving forward.”

I click off the camera, and then I get up and start doing the dishes as a way to keep myself busy. Part of me wants to revert to my habit of counting because I’m anxious right now, but the urge is nowhere near what it used to be. In fact, it’s been sort of silent for the last couple of months. I think maybe that’s because I’ve managed to stay so busy with school, my job at a photography studio, and of course my band.

Yeah, I’m in a band called Ashes & Dust. Jaxon, Lea’s ex-boyfriend, is the singer, the bassist’s name is Spalding and the guitarist is Nikko. I’m the only chick and Lea always makes jokes about how lucky I am, but it’s awkward because things with Jaxon and her didn’t end well. Sometimes things even get uncomfortable between Jaxon and me, whenever Lea’s name is mentioned. Still, it’s awesome that I get to play my drums and I wish I could do it all the time. Life would be so much less complicated if I could.

Tristan is still in his room when I get the dishwasher loaded and I can hear him talking through the door. I think about putting my ear up and listening, but it makes me feel bad, so I go into the living room and crank up the stereo, putting on some Papa Roach. Then I start to rock out, dancing around. I’d play my drums but I’m not allowed to anymore, ever since the neighbors complained about the noise. So sadly I have to dance to vent and I pretty much suck at dancing.

I’m whipping my long brown hair around and really shaking my ass as I belt out the lyrics when suddenly I hear a cough from behind me. I immediately stop dancing and try to ignore the rush of heat I feel on my cheeks as I go over and turn the music down.

I smooth my hair and wipe the sweat from my forehead before I turn around and face Tristan. “So what’d he say?” I ask, breathless.

He crosses his arms and arches a brow at me, trying not to smile. “Nice dance moves.”

I take an embarrassed bow and it gets him to relax. “Thank you.” I straighten back up. “Now tell me what he said. Is he okay? Good? Bad? What?”

“Come sit down.” He nods at the leather sofa and I walk over and have a seat. He sits down beside me, seeming slightly nervous as he fiddles with the bottom button on his shirt. “He’s doing okay,” he says.

“And.” I motion my hand, needing him to give me more details. “Did he seem, I don’t know, in need of help?”

He sighs, sweeping his fingers through the locks of his blond hair. “I think he sounded pretty okay. He’s staying with his dad and he says they’re talking and everything, which they never used to do. He’s supposed to start going to a therapist next week and to a sobriety support group, which is good in my opinion. A support group helped me a lot when I got out of rehab. He told me he’ll probably stay in Seattle for a while and try to find a job there.” He pauses, watching my reaction, like he thinks I’m about to break apart.

“Oh.” I should sound happier than I do—should be more happy for him. And I am, but for some stupid reason I was hoping for… I don’t know… that I could see him again. “That all sounds great, I guess.”

“Then why do you sound so sad?” he questions, searching my eyes for the truth.

I lift my shoulders and shrug. “I’m happy for him. Just sad that I can’t see him.”

“You could always call him… in fact, I told him you might.”

I swallow the lump of nerves that has shoved its way up my throat. “And what’d he say?”

“He said you could.” He looks like he wants to retract the statement as soon as he says it. “Well, I mean, he sounded nervous about it and everything, but I think that’s more because he feels guilty about what happened to you while you were down in Vegas, which he shouldn’t.” He stares down at his hands. “That shit that happened with the drug dealers… that was my fault.”

I remain silent, not just because of what Tristan told me about Quinton but also because of Tristan’s guilt. Even though it was his fault—what happened with the drug dealers and them threatening me and beating up Quinton—it still doesn’t mean he needs to feel guilty about it. “You don’t need to feel bad for that, Tristan.” I slouch back in the sofa and cross my arms over my chest. Everyone’s always blaming themselves for stuff, including me, and I’m sick and tired of it. I just want us to let go of stuff. Move on. “I get that your mind wasn’t in the right place when all that stuff happened.”

He glances over at me. “You’re too forgiving sometimes.”

“And you’re too sad sometimes,” I retort. It gets quiet and I can feel us both moving toward a depressing slump. Before we can get there, I rise to my feet and extend my hand to him. “Come on. Let’s go do something fun.”

He cocks a brow. “Like what?”

I shrug with my hand still extended. “I don’t know. We could go see a movie, maybe? Or rent one, pick up some pizza, and come back here and watch it.”

“No documentaries,” he says quickly, taking my hand, and I help him to his feet. “I know you love them and everything, but I can’t take another one.” He lets go of my hand and clutches his head with a joking smile. “They give me a boredom headache.”

“Oh, poor baby.” I roll my eyes, then walk toward the door, collecting my purse from the table, but when Tristan doesn’t follow me, I turn around. “What’s wrong?”

He dithers in the middle of the living room, massaging the back of his neck tensely. “Aren’t you going to call him?”