Kendall Ryan - When I Break

He released a shuddering breath and his head fell back against the pillow. “Fuck, your hand feels good.”

My pace increased as I watched Knox’s reactions. His warm breath puffed past his lips, his abs tensed, and his hand found my free one, intertwining our fingers. He pressed his palm to mine like he was sinking and I had the power to pull him back to safety. He gripped my hand and his dark gaze met mine. He communicated so much with that one look.

Emotion burned inside me. I was discovering him, but this moment meant more than that. We were healing each other in these little moments built on shared trust.

“Shit, I’m going to—” His teeth bit into his lower lip as his body went rigid. He growled my name as he came, milky-white fluid landing on his belly.

While our breathing slowed, Knox reached over the side of the bed for a box of tissues on the floor. He wiped my hand and his belly before curling his arms around me, caging me in. I melted into his embrace, loving the feel of his strong arms. He could hold me hostage in his bed anytime.

“Sorry about the mess,” he apologized, whispering near my ear.

“I didn’t mind.” Watching Knox come apart and hearing his low husky voice growl my name had been worth it.

Meeting my eyes with an intense, passion-filled stare, he leaned closer, resting his forehead against mine. “You didn’t have to do that.”

I knew that. I’d wanted to. “Was it…okay?”

“That was fucking amazing.” He pressed his lips softly to mine in a lingering kiss. “I like you in my bed,” he whispered.

His admission meant the world to me. I kissed him back, my movements slow and deliberate, like every touch mattered.

During quiet times like this, I loved how open and exposed he made himself to me. I knew it was a side of himself he didn’t share with anyone else, and that feeling was addicting.

McKenna

Last night had been the most incredible experience of my life. I had slept soundly in Knox’s arms all through the night. I smiled remembering our whispered conversation, and the way my heartbeat had thrummed so violently in my chest when I’d touched him. He was beautiful, and he wasn’t broken like he thought.

Then this morning was back to reality. We’d kissed good-bye early this morning. I wanted to go home to shower and change, and most importantly to arrive at our meeting separately. Even if I was breaking all the rules with Knox behind closed doors, I certainly wouldn’t broadcast it in public.

I sat at my little wooden desk at the front of the room, having arrived several minutes early, unable to stop myself from daydreaming about him. The more time I spent with Knox, the less I noticed that hollow ache inside me. I sang in the shower, hummed when I cleaned the dishes, and felt lighter just knowing he was in my life.

But then I realized something even more terrifying than going back to my pre-Knox state. I was falling in love with him. With a deliciously flawed man I was supposed to be helping heal from sexual addiction.

Casting logic aside, I knew this was a dangerous game, and if I played I’d likely be burned. But falling for him hadn’t been a choice. He wasn’t just that haunted, intense man I’d glimpsed at first. He was different around his brothers, lighter, laughed easier, smiled that big smile that showed off his dimple. I liked that version of Knox. And I liked the version of myself when I was with him. I wasn’t the broken shell of a girl I felt like most days. I felt vibrant and pretty and alive.

I wondered if my attraction to him was that our souls shared the same pain and loss. They could feel each other. When we were together I didn’t feel any pain or guilt. I wondered if it was the same for him.

When he entered the room, my heart’s rhythm changed, became erratic. His eyes met mine and while his face remained expressionless, I read the indecision, the confusion on him as clear as day. Did he feel guilty about what happened between us last night? It had been my idea to touch him, to push things further, and as much as I’d enjoyed it at the time, now I felt unsure and guilty.

Amanda patted the seat next to her, one that she’d clearly been saving just for him, and Knox crossed the room toward her.

Watching him and Amanda converse quietly, my stomach tightened and I felt hot. I was warm and flustered, and now I needed to start group.

I sat down in my seat and began the lecture I’d prepared. “Today we’ll be working on openness and honesty with each other. We’ve been meeting for several weeks now, and it’s time we progressed as a group. I’m going to ask each member of the group to share their progress, and this includes admitting to any slipups in a judgment-free, guilt-free environment. We’re all human, and it’s here that we don’t have to hide.”

I consulted the notebook on my lap to be sure I’d touched on all the key points I’d written out for myself. Knox watched me closely, his expression guarded and unsure. Guilt clawed at my stomach. I’d orchestrated today’s entire conversation to flush out what he was too afraid to tell me. I needed to know.

I asked each member of the group to share how many days since their last sexual encounter. As each person spoke and Knox’s turn got closer, my stomach coiled tight and nervous energy shot through my veins. Something was about to happen.

It was Amanda’s turn next, so I forced my eyes from Knox, trying to be a good group leader and listen as she spoke. “I’ve been struggling with a lot of change in my life lately, and I’m not proud of it, but I slipped up last weekend. It’s been one week of celibacy now for me.”

I nodded and gave her a tender smile, and then my eyes swung back over to Knox.

“Same here. One week,” he choked out.

Several things struck me at once and my brain fought to catch up. He wasn’t counting our time together last night, probably because it hadn’t led to sex, and his length of abstinence matched Amanda’s perfectly. They’d exchanged phone numbers one week ago at the end of group and…what? Met up for sex that day? My body broke out in a cold sweat and my heartbeat rang in my ears.

With my windpipe threatening to close and tears shimmering in my eyes, I jumped from my seat and fled the room. I ran blindly down the hall, tears burning my vision and a rock-solid lump in my chest. It would have been one thing for him to drunkenly mess up with a stranger before we started really seeing each other, but planning a sex date with a member of our group?

I heard my name being called behind me and pushed my legs faster. I couldn’t have anyone see me break down like this. I felt betrayed and humiliated. Why had I ever thought I could do this? Change this man and have something meaningful. I was an idiot. I’d been living in the fantasy of it. Being near Knox had made me feel better about my own life, but all of that had just come crashing to a close.

“McKenna! Stop!” Knox called behind me, closer this time.

I gripped the door handle to the stairwell, threw it open, and ran down two flights of stairs before I collapsed in a heap. I couldn’t breathe, could only feel my heart clenching and dying inside my chest. I huddled against the wall, sobbing uncontrollably while tears and snot streaked my face.

Knox sank to his knees in front of me. “McKenna?”

I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and drew a short, shuddering breath. “When were you last with someone, Knox?”