Kendall Ryan - When I Break

I scribbled something on the paper in front of me, not really paying attention to what I was drawing. “All week I went to school, worked, put food on the table, and at night, I made sure homework got done, supervised bath time, enforced rules and curfews. And I had to put up with strange looks at parent-teacher conferences and doctors’ appointments. Eventually I applied for legal guardianship.”

McKenna’s eyes stayed downcast on her own page, which made opening up easier somehow. She passed me another crayon, green this time, and I continued drawing – little crooked designs that made no sense but seemed to calm me.

“By the time Saturday night rolled around, I’d wait until the boys were in bed and I’d go down the road to the corner bar, where they never carded, and grab a few beers to relax. Then I’d find a pretty girl to sink into to forget my troubles.” There was more, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

McKenna sucked in a deep breath, temporarily pausing in her drawing.

I wouldn’t sugarcoat this. If she wanted in, I would let her see the true me, faults and all.

“I did what was expected of me. I take care of my brothers, pay the bills, follow up on homework. But at night, after everyone goes to bed, the emptiness and loneliness become too much. I need relief and that’s how I seek it.”

McKenna

I couldn’t believe he was telling me all this. In group, he was all penetrating gazes and silent intensity. But one-on-one, he was making himself vulnerable to me. I was straddling the line between being me—a regular girl who was interested in a guy, and a counselor who wanted to help him heal. I had no idea which one of us would win out.

Knox slapped a few bills down on the table, enough to cover both our meals.

“I can pay for myself.” I reached inside my purse for my wallet.

“Next time.”

I didn’t know if there would be a next time, but I nodded. “Okay.”

“Should we go?”

“Sure.” I rose from the booth and stretched, my back straightening reluctantly. I smiled, realizing I would sleep well tonight from the day’s manual labor.

I figured Knox was going to drive me straight home after we ate, but he surprised me by asking if I would go somewhere with him. I blindly agreed without knowing our destination. When he pulled to a stop in front of a deserted playground, I waited, unsure of what we were doing here.

“Come on. This place has the best slide in the world.”

I watched in fascination as he climbed from the Jeep and headed toward the playground. I’d never seen him in a mood so playful and carefree. He was captivating.

“Knox! Wait up,” I called, jogging behind him. He sat down on a swing and I joined him, each of us toeing the gravel to gain momentum.

He looked lost in his thoughts, and though there were a million questions I wanted to ask him, I waited, letting him enjoy the quiet moment he seemed to be having. We swung side by side, looking out at the park.

“I haven’t been here in almost twenty years,” he said finally. “I must have been about three when my mother worked in this part of town. She used to drop me off at this Russian lady’s house while she went to work. Sometimes after work when she picked me up, we’d come here before going home.”

I realized with Jaxon being four years younger, Knox would have been an only child at that time. It was sweet that he had memories of just him and his mom. I wondered if thinking of her made him sad, like it did for me. We sat in silence, swinging until the sky was growing pink with the impending sunset.

“So is that the famous slide?” I asked, tipping my head toward the monstrosity.

There didn’t appear to be anything special about it. It was an old rusted-out metal slide, but I could tell in Knox’s mind, it was somewhere sacred he’d built fond memories with his mom. And I wouldn’t question it. I had my own version of this slide built up in my mind too.

“That’s her.” He smiled.

“Well, I’ve gotta try this out.” I hopped off my swing in the middle of its upward arc and ventured toward the rusty contraption. “Are you sure this thing is safe?” I climbed up the bottom rung of the ladder and stopped, testing my weight.

He shrugged. “Should be fine as long as you’re up-to-date on your tetanus shot.”

Scampering up the ladder before I chickened out, I plopped my butt down so I was perched at the top, my legs stretched out in front of me. Knox positioned himself below me at the bottom of the slide, and grinned up at me playfully.

“Come on down, I’ll catch you.”

I pushed myself forward, expecting to slide down easily. Instead, my jeans rubbed against the dull metal and I scooted about two inches. We both cracked up laughing. “That was anticlimactic.” With gravity proving to be no help, I used my feet to pull my pull myself down, scurrying the entire length of the slide until I came to an unsatisfying stop in front of Knox.

“It was better when I was three.” He extended a hand and I accepted, letting him pull me to my feet.

“Such a letdown,” I joked, nudging my shoulder with his.

“Hmm.” His eyes lazily traveled over me. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“Oh yeah? How?”

He pointed across the street from the park. “See that coffee shop?” I nodded, and he said, “I’ll buy you a hot chocolate.”

“Deal.”

While we sipped hot cocoa at a little café table, Knox called home once again to check on the boys. I loved how dedicated he was to them. It almost made me feel a little guilty for hogging him all day. But there was no denying I’d enjoyed today immensely.

“I have something to tell you,” he said.

“What is it?” I waited, breathless. Anytime Knox let me in was a small win.

“My test results came today.”

“And? Did you open them?”

He nodded, smiling crookedly. “I’m clean.”

Wow . “That’s amazing news.” A contented little sigh escaped my lips.

“I’m glad you made me do it.”

It was the little moments like this that made my job so rewarding. Knox wouldn’t have gone on his own, and I was happy that I was the one to encourage him. I was even happier at the results.

I drank my hot chocolate slowly, savoring it, almost like I was afraid to take the last sip because it meant our day together would be over. As it neared time to leave, both of us grew quiet as the easy mood from earlier all but evaporated. I remembered what Knox said about the night, and I prayed he wasn’t planning on going out to one of his usual haunts to pick up a woman. That thought crushed me.

“You okay?” he asked, setting down his own cup as if he sensed my somber mood.

“Fine,” I lied.

“I should take you home.” He might have voiced the words, but his body language wasn’t on board. He was leaning toward me, his elbows on the table and his gaze piercing mine.

“Okay,” I breathed. It was dark outside, nearly eight at night. Logic told me I should probably go home, even if the rest of me didn’t want to.

As we neared my apartment, a feeling of sadness settled over me. It had been a magical day. I’d expected to work at the shelter all day and then go home to have dinner with Brian. Oops . I’d forgotten all about dinner with Bri. I’d just tell him my work at the shelter ran late. Never mind this glow to my cheeks and lightheartedness from spending the day with Knox.