T. Leigh - Gorgeous Chaos

“It’s August twenty-fourth.” He sat down and grabbed her hand, toying with her ring. “Our wedding day. Well, what was supposed to be our wedding day.” He caressed her hand, marveling at how small it looked compared to his. “I just wanted to get the horrible memories of this date out of my head. I hated what the day represented.”

Alexander smiled, remembering the previous year. “Last year, when I went to Mystic to visit your grave, it was so strange. I would normally sit and tell you everything that had happened that year. That’s why I always kept a journal. In fact, nearly every day since the day we buried you, I wrote you a letter, telling you about what was going on in my life.”

He reached down and grabbed a journal from a large box. “See, this is from the year you were taken from me. I had Carter bring a few things to me. I’m willing to try anything to get you to wake up.”

Looking over at Olivia’s pale face, he opened the notebook. “This was Mom’s idea, actually. She said that maybe if I wrote to you, I could keep you alive somehow…” He trailed off, trying to hide his tears. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, willing himself to stay strong. It was getting more and more difficult with each passing minute.

“September first. Dear Olibia…” He looked up, smiling. “Oh, love, you should see how horrible my handwriting was back then. I can barely read it.” Returning his gaze to the journal in front of him, he continued, “You were put in the ground today. I never even got to say good-bye to you. It’s not fair. One day you were lying in the hospital bed. I told you to wake up. I guess you just didn’t want to listen to me. Why couldn’t you listen to me just once? Is it really that difficult?! I’m sorry, Olibia. I don’t mean to yell at you. It’s not your fault. I don’t know whose fault it is. I miss you. I got back from the funeral this afternoon and I changed into my play clothes. I ran out of the house to go and play with you and then I realized that you’re not there to play with me anymore…”

Alexander lowered his head, clutching Olivia’s hand in his. “I’m sorry, love,” he sobbed. “I don’t think I can finish.”

“Find a happier memory, Alex, darling…”

He turned his head around, surprised to see his mother standing in the doorway. “Ma. What are you doing here?”

“Just checking to see how you’re holding up.” She walked over and placed her hand on his shoulder.

“Not good, Ma. I just want her to wake up. That’s all. Every minute that goes by, I feel like she’s slipping further and further away.” He trembled.

Colleen sat down next to her son and wrapped her arms around him. “Oh, Alex. I know it may seem so bleak right now, but you need to stay strong.”

“How do I do that?” he asked, meeting her eyes.

“Think of what you would say to her if she was awake. She’s probably itching to wake up and she will. She’s a fighter.”

Alexander clutched his mother’s arms, no longer trying to hide his emotions. “I just can’t lose her. Not again.”

“You won’t. So buck up and tell her one of your happier memories.” She helped him straighten up. “Come on. I know you’ve got some in there.”

He thought about her words for a minute. Smiling, he reached down and grabbed his journal from the previous year. He flipped through the pages, searching for a certain entry. “Ah, here it is. August nineteenth. Dear Olivia, I met someone this weekend. I can’t explain it, but this is a girl I actually want to get to know, instead of just bang and then kick to the curb…” Alexander cringed, looking at his mother. “Sorry, Ma.”

“Alex, darling, I am perfectly aware of all your previous sexual exploits, as is most of the country.”

He blushed before returning his eyes to his journal, reading out loud once more, “She is absolutely breathtaking. If you hadn’t died, I’m pretty sure you would look just like this girl. She has the deepest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. Her smile has probably broken many hearts, and her lips… Well, I am anxious to get a taste of them.” His heart warmed at the memory as he gazed down at Olivia’s cold lips, thinking how much they had both grown together since that fateful night a year ago.

“But there’s something about her that reminds me of you. There are so many coincidences. Her name is Olivia, too. Well, technically, it’s Sarah. Olivia is her middle name, but she goes by Olivia. She also lost her parents in a car accident. I know I shouldn’t read too much into it, but what are the chances? There’s something about her, though, that I just can’t put my finger on. The way she carries herself is almost tragic. Her gorgeous eyes show the chaos deep within her soul, and I want her to let me in to see what’s underneath her hard exterior.”

Gazing over at Olivia’s body, he recalled the first time he saw her beautiful brown eyes. It seemed as if there was a glimmer of recognition there. The first time he touched her, he felt an electricity and excitement that he couldn’t remember experiencing with another person in all his years.

Returning his attention to the journal in his hands, he continued, “I first laid eyes on her as she was running down State Street, trying to get away from some creep who was chasing her. Turns out he was some guy she used to ‘date’. Apparently, her idea of relationships is quite like mine. Fuck and then leave. But, with her, it almost seems like she does that to keep everyone away, as if she doesn’t want to get close. I just can’t figure it out. And there are too many coincidences. After finally giving up hope of finding you, I run into this girl. Is it you? Part of me wants it to be you. But another part of me hopes that you are safely looking over me from above because if you are still alive, why did Dad tell me you died? Why the secrets?”

His chin quivered as memories came flooding back. He wasn’t ready to say good-bye yet. She had to come back to him. They hadn’t even started living their lives together. Tears fell from his eyes as he buried his head against Olivia’s still body, not wanting to come to terms with the idea of losing her all over again. “Please… Don’t leave me…”

“Alex…”

That was his Olivia’s voice, he was sure of it. His eyes went wide and he looked at his mother, hoping that she had heard it, too. Her seat was empty. He returned his gaze to Olivia. Her eyes were closed and there was no hint of movement. Maybe he was losing his mind from the lack of sleep. Still, he was certain that he heard her say his name.

“What was it that your mama always said when we were arguing? The best solution to any problem is music?” He shrugged. “Something like that anyway…”

He looked over to where his guitar case sat in the corner of the room with the other items that Carter had brought to him. “Maybe that’s the answer.” He walked over and grabbed his guitar out of the case. Olivia lived and breathed music. Maybe it was what she needed to wake up. He didn’t care how stupid it sounded. He was desperate and willing to try anything.

Looking out the window into the darkness of the night, he checked the tuning on his guitar. He was starting to have a bad feeling about what that day would bring. It was, after all, August twenty-fourth. A day that had brought him nothing but sorrow and pain in the past.

He thought for a minute about what to play. It needed to be something Olivia would want to hear. “You’ve been on a bit of a Coldplay kick lately, haven’t you?” he asked, looking at her, hoping she would answer. “Okay. Coldplay it is then, love.”

He began playing the opening chords of Till Kingdom Come , looking over Olivia’s beaten frame as he sang for her. Hoping to see any sign of movement as he played, he poured his heart into the song. He thought about all those hours he and Olivia would spend in the music room at their house, fooling around and playing together. It always brought back memories of their time as children. He wished that he had told her everything sooner. There were so many things he wanted to share with her. He wanted to reminisce about their past. He just hoped it wasn’t too late.