Helena Hunting: Inked Armour

Lisa poked her head in the door. “Hey, I tried to call you.”

“Sorry, my phone must be off.”

I picked up a deep red pen and filled in some color on my sketch. It wasn’t the right shade. The design ruined, I filed it in the folder along with the others and grabbed another sheet of paper.

“Cassie’s expecting us in an hour. Why don’t you put that away and catch a ride with me and Jamie?”

“Yeah, about that. I don’t think I’m going to go.”

After I’d bailed on Thanksgiving, Cassie had taken to inviting the Inked Armor crew over on Sundays. Initially I refused because someone had to be at the shop. Then Lisa changed the hours so we weren’t open on Sundays. No one consulted me. Since Chris and Jamie were partners, and they both agreed, majority rule made it so. Lisa cited the slower pace of winter as a rationale when I fought her on the decision. I wasn’t stupid. Forced social interaction wasn’t going to work. Tenley was the only thing that would make things better, and she wasn’t talking to me—so I was fucked.

Lisa snagged the wheelie chair and sat down, rolling over to the opposite side of the desk. TK gave a groggy little mew at the disturbance. She got lonely being in my condo by herself, so when I came to the shop during off hours to get away from the nothingness, I brought her along. She came with me to check on Tenley’s apartment, too.

“You can’t miss dinner this time,” Lisa said.

“I want to finish this.”

I laid the new sheet of paper over the outline and began tracing the design again. Once I perfected the color scheme, I planned to persuade Chris to put it on my skin. I would have preferred Jamie to take on the piece because it was portrait, not tribal, but he’d already said no. So had Chris, but I could get him to change his mind. I didn’t have room left on my arms for it, unless I covered over an old tattoo. I was seriously considering doing that because I wanted the piece on display. The prospect of new ink made me feel better.

Lisa put her hand over mine. I pulled away, the physical contact unmanageable.

“Why don’t you take a break? The art will be here when you get back.”

“I’d rather not.” I could feel her eyes on me, assessing. I probably needed a shower and I definitely needed to shave, but that took effort.

“How long have you been here? Did you go home last night?”

“Yeah.” It was trueish.

“Did you sleep?”

“For a few hours.”

Ever since Tenley had left, sleep had been elusive. I clocked in three, maybe four hours before the nightmares began. Sometimes they were about my parents, but mostly they were about Tenley. In the most frequent one she was dressed in cream-colored satin, a small red spot marring the fabric between her breasts. The mark spread, turning the cream a brilliant shade of red. In the dream, I could never get to her. Stuck in a doorway, I watched helplessly as the life drained out of her. Eventually her skin turned the color the satin had been.

I could never go back to sleep. The nightmares were too vivid. After the first one I’d called Tenley’s cell in the middle of the night. I hadn’t left a message, but like a loser I called back several times just to hear her recorded voice.

“I think you should come,” Lisa pressed.

“I’m not very good company right now, and I don’t want to leave TK alone.” My foot bounced on the floor as I waited for Lisa to leave me alone.

“I know you miss her, but shutting everyone out isn’t going to help.”

I set the pencil down and closed my eyes. Lisa wasn’t going to let up. “I don’t feel up to going, so can you back off?”

Startled, TK dug her nails into my leg.

“Fine. If that’s the way you want it.” Lisa shot out of her chair and reached over the desk. She scooped TK out of my lap and started for the door.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I stood too fast and got an instant head rush, forcing me to sit back down.

“Going to Cassie’s. See you later.”

I tried again. This time I managed to stay on my feet despite the dizzy spell. “Give me TK.”

“No.”

“Give me my fucking kitten!” I shouted. It was completely irrational for me to be so upset. Lisa wasn’t going to run off with her, but rational and I hadn’t seen much of each other lately.

Lisa cradled TK gently against her chest, stroking her puffed-up fur. “Not until you agree to come to Cassie’s.”

“You’re going to blackmail me into going to dinner?”

“I get that it’s hard, Hayden, but what you’re doing right now isn’t going to bring her home. Cassie is worried sick about you. I’m worried about you. We’re all worried about you. You’re not coping.”

“I’m coping just fine.”

“Really? Because last time I checked, isolation and lack of personal hygiene are two pretty good indicators that someone isn’t.”

“Can we not do this right now? It’s too hard. I just don’t know . . .” The anger seeped out of me, replaced with the consuming emptiness I’d felt since Tenley took off.

Lisa stepped away from the door. “Let’s go up to your place so you can shower; maybe even get rid of the hipster beard you’ve got going on. Then we’ll head to Cassie’s.”

I sighed, too tired to fight. “Fine.”

TK jumped out of Lisa’s arms and bounded over to me, weaving between my legs. When I lifted her up, she stretched and put her paws on my chest. Then she nudged my chin with the top of her head, as if she approved of the plan.

We left the shop and I locked up. Jamie was parked out front, waiting in the car. He got out and the two of them trailed behind me as we entered the lobby of my building. It was both advantageous and problematic to live above where I worked, especially now when I didn’t want to be in my condo. They followed me up the stairs to the second floor. It took me a while to find my keys, and my hand shook as I slid it into the lock. I couldn’t remember if I’d eaten today. Or the day before—which accounted for the light-headedness in the shop.

I stepped inside and toed off my shoes, putting them in the closet. “Uh, give me a second. I wasn’t expecting anyone to come over; I need to put a few things away.”

That was a lie. My place was immaculate, as always. That I’d been able to endure Tenley’s constant disarray was evidence of her importance in my life, because that shit usually drove me nuts. Though things such as shaving had become optional since Tenley went away, my OCD tendencies had kicked up a notch in other areas. My compulsion for organization and perfection became more extreme the longer she was gone.

I walked down the hall, flipped on the light, and went right. I checked every room, saving my bedroom for last. The tightrope of anxiety unknotted as I hit the switch and light bathed the room in a warm glow. I surveyed the smooth lines of my slate-gray comforter and the pillows propped against the headboard. The red and black one in the center was the only thing that disrupted the flow of the lines. I’d taken it from Tenley’s apartment because it was the one she slept on.

I returned to Lisa and Jamie, who were patiently waiting at the door. They were well aware of what I needed to do before they could come in. They’d already taken off their shoes and put them in the closet.

“We’re good?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah. Make yourselves comfortable.” I waved them down the hall into the living room.

“Wow, Hayden, it’s a real mess in here,” Jamie joked, and almost ran into Lisa, who had stopped in the middle of the room.

“Oh, wow,” she breathed.

She was reacting to the new art on the wall. Lisa and Jamie hadn’t been over in a while. Not since things had become interesting with Tenley. They used to come by after work for pre-bar drinks because of the convenience. The last time I’d been out, other than that one time to The Dollhouse, was the night I’d watched Tenley throat-punch that handsy fucker way back in September.