Kendall Ryan - When We Fall

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, I fought off the wave of nerves I experienced walking into the waiting room. I was a twenty-one-year-old woman who needed birth control. This might have been new and scary for me, but I reminded myself that the doctor had probably seen and heard it all before.

After filling out a stack of forms, a nurse called my name and brought me back to an exam room, where she took my weight and blood pressure, and then asked me to strip completely and dress in a paper robe and wait for the doctor.

I did as instructed, folding my bra and panties and hiding them under my folded jeans, then climbed up onto the exam table, arranging the stiff robe around me.

The doctor knocked once and entered. She was tall and gorgeous with honey-colored skin and long, dark hair. She could have been Beyoncé’s sister, and I felt self-conscious sitting there in my paper outfit. But she immediately put me at ease, explaining that she’d conduct a vaginal exam and Pap smear, and then we’d talk about birth control options.

I leaned back on the table and placed my feet in the stirrups where she directed.

After several seconds and a little pinch, she stood up and removed her gloves. “You look very healthy.”

I didn’t know what a doctor might say while looking at my lady parts, but I supposed healthy was the best thing.

“What kind of protection are you using today?” she asked.

“Condoms.”

“Are you in a monogamous relationship?”

“Yes.” I nodded. I felt confident for the first time since Knox and I had begun seeing each other that this statement was true. I didn’t know if it was possible to be completely cured from sex addiction, or if he still had occasional dark thoughts or struggles, but I felt certain I was the only woman in his bed and in his arms these days.

We discussed the birth control patch, pills, and the shot. I decided to go with the shot, knowing it lasted for three months and wouldn’t be something I had to think about every day. The nurse came in and administered the shot, then I redressed and left, feeling confident and in control of my life for the first time in a long time.

After working my shift at the teen center, I drove to Knox’s place around dinnertime. The boys were gathered around the table, eating when I arrived, and Knox set out an extra plate for me, loading it up with a piece of chicken and potatoes. I loved being here with them and as I ate, I enjoyed their banter. The noise volume was a sharp contrast to my own quiet apartment.

Knox

While we ate, my gaze kept wandering over to McKenna. Last night had been incredible. It had started a little rocky when she’d brought up wanting to give away her inheritance to fund Luke’s education, but it had ended perfectly. Watching McKenna’s confidence grow as she moved above me in bed had been life changing. It had broken something inside me and as worried as I was about admitting my drunk-driving arrest to her, I had to believe that all this would work out.

“Stop playing with your chicken and eat, Tuck.” I shot my youngest brother a warning glare. The chicken leg I’d put on his plate was currently performing a can-can dance.

Tucker giggled, glancing up at McKenna, and took a big bite. The little shit. He was flirting with her. She choked on a laugh of her own, covering her mouth with the napkin.

“Have you filled out your applications yet?” I asked Luke.

He set down his fork, a serious crease between his brows. “What’s the point, Knox? We can’t afford it.”

I squeezed my fists at my sides. “Get your damn applications filled out and turned in. I told you I’d worry about the expenses.” Luke needed to do his part and I would figure out a way to do mine, damn it. I was tired of them all doubting me.

McKenna stared down at her plate, looking deep in thought.

Shit . I was being selfish. McKenna had the money—she wanted to help—and my own insecurities were holding Luke back. This wasn’t about me and my damn ego. Besides, I knew I had bigger things to worry about. My future with McKenna still hung in the balance, if I was being honest with myself. Pushing my plate away, I realized it was time to open up.

After we’d finished dinner and cleaned up, McKenna followed Tucker upstairs, promising to play superheroes with him before it was time for lights out. It gave me a chance to think about how to put into words what I needed to tell her.

Luke sat at the table with Jaxon’s new laptop, unhappy but filling out his college applications. Jaxon had left, saying he was going out for a couple of hours. It was a school night but he was eighteen now; it wasn’t like there was a lot I could do. As long as he was going to school and getting good grades, I didn’t really care.

I found McKenna perched beside Tucker’s bed. The bedside lamp glowed softly, illuminating a beautiful sight—a peacefully sleeping little boy, and a woman I adored tucking the blankets securely around him. My heart swelled watching her. Tucker might not know a mother’s love, but I was thankful he had McKenna.

Sensing my presence, she glanced back at the doorway and spotted me. I crossed the room toward them and kissed Tucker’s forehead. “’Night, buddy,” I whispered. I reached for McKenna’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it before pulling her up to stand.

Without releasing my hold on her hand, I led her up the stairs to my bedroom. “How many books did he make you read him this time?” I asked.

“None, actually. He just wanted to talk.”

That was interesting. What could my eight-year-old brother want to talk to her about? I followed her to the edge of the bed and sat down beside her. “What about?”

“He asked if you and I were going to get married and if I’d be his mommy.”

Holy shit. “What did you say?”

Her gaze met mine. “I told him the truth. That I didn’t know, but I would always be there if he needed me.”

I nodded thoughtfully and released a sigh.

“What else could I have said? We haven’t talked about us since I’ve been back.”

It had only been a few days, but she was right. It was an overdue conversation. Still, she was putting me on the spot and she knew it. Her hands were clasped together and her knee was bouncing up and down with nerves. McKenna putting me on the spot took guts; I’d give her that. And I wanted to talk about all this, I really did, I just thought I’d have more time to plan out what I wanted to say. I still had no fucking clue how she’d react to my drunk-driving conviction.

“I’ve told you how I felt,” she continued. “I’ve been very open with you.”

Taking a deep breath, I settled my nerves. I laced her fingers between mine and kissed her temple. “I know. And I shouldn’t have let you leave last time without telling you how I felt. There are things I want to tell you, things I need to say… Fuck.” I tore my hands through my hair, fighting for the right words. Why was this so damn hard for me? It was just as hard telling her about my arrest as it had been telling her about my past with sex. I didn’t want to lose her. Couldn’t.

McKenna rose from the bed and paced the room, seeming to draw strength and determination with each step she took. “When I met you, I figured you were some sex-loving player, a guy always on the prowl, just looking to hook up with whatever willing girl crossed your path.”

I winced; she wasn’t far off the mark.