Kelly Jamieson - How to Save A Life

He'd gotten the e-mails and voice mails from his family, telling him he now had a nephew, but he'd never responded to them. Didn't know what to say. Couldn't bear to see the pity in everyone's eyes, couldn't face Travis who was now a father to what should have been his baby. He waited for the familiar ache in his chest that always accompanied that thought. But it wasn't there. Huh.

"And you still haven't talked to your family about it?"

"Christ, no. Don't you see what a fucking mess it is? Lisa had the baby a month ago. He's part of our family. She's part of our family."

"But you're divorced, right?"

He hesitated. "Um...no. No, actually."

Marli went very still. "Oh."

She'd been sleeping with a married man. She was in love with a married man. She drew away from him, taking the sheets with her to cover her nakedness. She pushed back and sat up.

"I went to see a lawyer right after it happened," Trey explained. "He was going to start working on the divorce. Then all that other shit happened and I just didn't care enough to bother with it."

"Oh," she said again. "Were...are you hoping you two will get back together?"

He ran an agitated hand through his hair and leaned his head back against the headboard. "Christ, I don't know."

That was so not the answer she'd wanted to hear.

She wanted to hear an emphatic "No!" Not that ambiguous response. Her heart hurt so bad she couldn't breathe.

"Well, your trip to San Francisco didn't turn out so well," she said lightly. "I'm sorry about that."

"God, Marli, don't."

"Well, it is my fault. Although, you could've just left. I never really understood why you stayed around."

He closed his eyes. "Don't you see, Marli? Krista would still be alive if I hadn't fucked up that night and let Barnes walk right by me."

She turned to stare at him. "You blame yourself for Krista's murder?" Wow. She turned that concept around and around in her mind, looking at it, thinking about it. "Hey, buddy, that's my turf."

"You don't have the market cornered on guilt," he said wearily.

She nodded. Well, that sort of explained it. Once he'd found out what was going on, guilt had made him stay and try to fix things.

Just like she'd been trying to do. She knew only too well the power of guilt to make you do stupid, irrational things. It was almost funny, and she started to laugh, but it was hollow laughter, her throat burning, eyes stinging.

"You are such an idiot." She stabbed a finger into his chest, and he looked at her in surprise. "Yeah. You are. You already told me Krista's murder wasn't my fault. What the hell are you thinking, feeling responsible?" She smacked his shoulder. "Jesus, how stupid can you be?"

His eyes went wide with shock. He stared at her speechlessly.

"I guess you expected me to be all sorry for you. Poor Trey. Well, I'm not. You're acting like a big baby."

"What!"

"You are. Wallowing in self-pity, running away from your problems. You haven't dealt with your wife, your brother... anything. And you won't deal with me."

"What the... That's bullshit."

"Think about it, Trey." She glared at him. "I love you. I know you care about me."

"Don't love me," he shouted. "I'm not worth it. Look at me!"

She gave him a long look, her heart tight in her chest. "I'm looking at you. And I'm seeing a man who is strong and caring and protective, someone you can count on, someone who saved my life. More than once."

"That's not what you said a minute ago," he muttered, shifting his eyes away from hers. "Marli, I have nothing to offer you. Who knows what's left of my career after all this. I'm married to another woman; my family is a mess. Christ."

"I know. But I love you anyway." Her lips twisted. "Don't worry, Trey. I'm not going to cry, or beg, or stalk you or anything. But you need to know how I feel. I'm sorry if you don't like it."

"Oh, Christ, Marli, don't."

Her chest rose and fell with each long, painful breath she took as they stared at each other.

"I thought when you found out how I screwed up and let Barnes get away, you'd be mad at me. Hate me."

She slowly shook her head, frowning. "I'm not mad at you for that. How could I be?" She could imagine his pain, his suffering after finding out the child he was looking forward to having with his wife was that of another man, his own brother. Fury rose in her toward his brother and his wife. How could they have done that to him? And then, he'd tried to save that woman in the bar. Sure, he'd screwed up, but he'd been trying to save a life.

"You were hurting," she said. "You weren't even working that night. You were trying to do a good thing, but you made a mistake. Everyone does."

He shook his head, looking doubtful.

"You told me it's not my fault that Krista was killed," she said. "Well, it's not your fault either. It's Sheldon Barnes's fault." She poked him in the chest. " His fault. He's the murderer. Not me. Not you."

They stared at each other for a long moment, but suddenly she was overcome by exhaustion, limp with fatigue, heavy with despair. "We should get some sleep."

Once again, she rolled to the edge of the mattress and pulled the covers up to her chin.

When she woke up in the morning, she and Trey were plastered against each other, hot and sticky, his hand holding hers tightly beneath his cheek as he slept. She watched him, a deep, aching sadness squeezing her heart until his eyes flickered and he awoke, too.

When they'd packed and checked out, he said, "We can pick up some food on the way." He tucked his credit card back in his wallet.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat." He took her bag from her and led the way to his car.

Bossy as usual.

It was a long, quiet drive back to LA.

When they arrived in Rocky Harbor that afternoon, Trey took her first to get her car. After she got out of his vehicle, she turned, leaning on the door. "You don't have to come back to my place. I'm good from here."

"I'll make sure you're home safe," he said, not looking at her.

She shrugged and slammed the door shut, then walked over to her own car. He followed her home and pulled into her driveway behind her.

She unlocked the front door, disarmed the alarm system she'd almost forgotten about, and dropped her purse on the table. Trey came in behind her and set her bag down. She turned to face him, smiling brightly.

"I'll take this upstairs for you," he said.

She started to protest, then relented. "Thanks." He climbed the stairs.

She wandered around her condo. It was such a relief to be home. It would be a while before she felt normal. Hell, after everything that had happened she would probably never feel normal--or how she used to feel, anyway. Things that happen change a person, she reflected, trailing a hand over the shiny granite counter in her little kitchen. Having your best friend brutally murdered. Having a psychopath try to kill you. Falling in love... Those were all definitely life-altering events. She sighed.

"So." Trey was back. "Get that back door fixed."

"Yes, sir!" She saluted him, and he rolled his eyes.

Her smile faded. He was leaving. She knew it.

Her heart hurt, felt like it was cracking wide open in her chest, so painful she almost couldn't breathe. They stood there looking at each other, and she fought the tears stinging her eyes.

"Just go!" she finally burst out and turned her back on him so he wouldn't see the tears spill over. He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. She shrugged them off. "Please, Trey, don't drag this out. It's killing me."

"I'm sorry."

Not only was she heartbroken, she was pissed. How could he be such an idiot? She swiped her hands across her eyes. "Just go. If you're not man enough to deal with your problems, if you're too chicken-shit to admit your feelings, I don't want to be with you."