Laura Miller - By Way of Accident

She sucks in a big breath of air and then forces it out slowly. “It’s okay.” She smiles and sets a magazine full of tuxes on the front cover down in front of her. “I found your tux. You’re going to look so hot in it. Every girl who isn’t already jealous of me will be come prom.”

I smile and nod away her comment. She says it to make me feel good. And it works. But it’s also gonna make me blush if I’m not too careful.

“It’s going to be so perfect,” she adds.

I nod again. I just want her to be happy. And if wearin’ a tux makes everything perfect and her happy, I’ll wear the darn tux — and the purple bow tie.

“You’re so freakin’ sexy, you know?” She smiles that devilish grin I love and squeezes my bicep at the same time.

“I’m just tryin’ to keep up with you, babe,” I say, eyin’ her sweet red lips. There’s somethin’ about seein’ that color on her that drives me wild. I force back the thought that it reminds me of Brooke’s envelopes. I’m well aware that thought doesn’t belong anywhere near the thought of Amy’s lips.

“I love you,” she says, givin’ me a peck on the lips before she takes off down the hallway.

I grab at her, but I only end up gettin’ air. “Hey, where are you goin’?” I ask.

“Carrie’s. We’re planning the after-party.”

She turns, and I’m left noddin’ my head again, actin’ as if I understand that there’s somethin’ more important than some extra time with her right now. I guess if I’m lucky, she’ll schedule some time for me to actually hang out with her come prom day.

I let out a sigh and notice a freshman girl starin’ at me from across the cafeteria. She smiles when she notices me notice her, and then she quickly disappears into the hallway. Girls are somethin’ else. I don’t remember the first time around bein’ so complicated. Maybe the older you get, the more complicated they get. Who knows?

I pick up my books from the table and march off to my locker. There’s only five minutes left of school. It’s funny how you get a month out from graduation and no one gives a shit where you are in the building anymore.

I get to my locker and shove the books inside. I’ve got baseball practice as soon as the bell rings, so I grab my duffle bag and head for the fields just as a faint smile is crossin’ my face. Two hours of practice means two hours where I don’t have to hear a darn thing about bow ties, tuxes or proms.

“River.”

I look up from re-lacin’ my baseball glove.

“I think when we go to college, we should see other people.”

I just stare at her, while her words sink in, one by one. “What?” Maybe I heard her wrong.

“I just think it’s for the best. We’ll be hours apart, and we’ll be meeting new people and…” She stops and seems to gnaw on her next words for a few too many seconds before she tosses them out. “And we’ve only dated each other. Don’t you think we need to see what else is out there?”

What the hell? I know I’ve got a look on my face like someone has just punched me in the stomach, and I guess someone has — Amy.

“What? What do you mean for the best? Amy, what in the hell are you talkin’ about?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about college a lot and being on my own and really starting life, you know? It just seems kind of overwhelming right now to have to try to keep a long-distance relationship, you know?”

What? No. No, I don’t know. I don’t know what it’s like to have the opportunity to have a long-distance relationship with the advantage of cell phones and the Internet and every other damn thing that can keep you together these days.

“River?”

I look up at her. She’s starin’ at me, and for a second, I wonder how long she’s been starin’.

“River, where did you just go? Where do you always go?”

I don’t say anything. I’m still tryin’ to wrap my head around everything she’s said.

“I don’t understand you sometimes,” she goes on before I can say anything. “It’s like your mind is always somewhere else.”

I pull in my bottom lip and hold it there with my front teeth. My wandering mind has never bothered her before — not when I’d use it to escape while she shopped for hours or when we had dinner with her friends, who didn’t seem to notice I was there after a while.

“How long have you been thinkin’ about this?” I ask.

“Just for the last couple weeks.”

“Weeks?”

All of a sudden, she’s face to face with me, and she’s got her hands wrapped around the hand not holdin’ the baseball glove. “River, I love you. You’re sexy and sweet, and you’ve got these huge baseball-player muscles.” She squeezes my bicep and smiles. “And we’re probably going to spend the rest of our lives together. True love has a habit of coming back, you know?”

I look into her sea blue eyes. I could have sworn she just broke up with me. Now, she’s talkin’ about true love. And no, I don’t know about that either. I don’t know anything about true love or its habit of comin’ back.

“But I just need some me time ,” she finishes.

“ Me time ?” I repeat.

She bobs her blond head once and gives me that puppy-dog, pouty look she likes to give me when she wants somethin’. It usually works on me, but this time, I haven’t got a damn clue as to what she’s actually askin’ for. Is this a breakup or a marriage proposal?

I drop the glove and rub my eyes before I catch her pouty face again. “So, you’re tellin’ me you want to date other people when we go off to college…and then you want to get back together…and spend the rest of our lives…together?”

She squishes her face up a little bit more. “Well, we don’t have to date other people.”

“So no dating other people?”

She shakes her head once. “No, not necessarily. I mean, I’m not asking you to wait for me either.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “But you are?” I say.

I watch her shoulders lift a little before I suck in some air and then force it right back out again. Then I take my hand from hers, prop my elbows on my knees and cradle my face in my hands. My heart is stabbin’ me in my chest, but the funny thing is that I think my heart forgot to tell my brain that there’s a problem. I’m surprisingly calm. I sit up and collect my glove again.

“Amy, what’s goin’ on?” I know her too well. New things make her nervous — make her want to drop everything, until she can get a good grasp on what’s goin’ on. That and the darn girl never knows what she wants. Whether it’s the purple dress or the blue dress, chocolate or toffee, long hair or short hair, she’s always second-guessin’ herself.

She sighs, and then her eyes catch on mine. “I’ve never been anywhere but here. I’ve never experienced anything but corn fields and small-town gossip and homecoming carnivals. I want to experience something new — like really experience it.”

“And you can’t do that with me?” I ask.

Her lips turn downward. I already know the answer to that. And is it crazy that I understand? This all might sound ridiculous to someone else, but I understand what it’s like to want an adventure. And I got my adventure once. I shouldn’t hold her back on hers. I want to be big about this, but I’d be lyin’ if I said this doesn’t hurt. I’d be lyin’ if I said this wasn’t a huge punch to the gut.

I look down at the floor and then back up at her. “ Me time ?” I ask her.

She just nods, but now her face has turned a little sad.

“Okay,” I say, raking my fingers through my hair. “Whatever you want.”