Laura Miller - My Butterfly

“You never cease to amaze me, Will Stephens,” she said, laughing softly to herself.

I listened to her soft laughter until it faded. Then, there was silence again — well, except for the crickets and the tree frogs. It had its place, but I wasn’t much for the quiet in this stage of the game.

“Did you hear the last song?” I asked.

She took a moment before she spoke.

“I did,” she eventually whispered.

“I meant every word of it,” I said.

“It’s a beautiful song, Will,” she said, slowly nodding her head as she spoke. “And how does ‘the one’ feel about this song?”

My head shifted to the side, and my eyes darted to her eyes. She looked serious. But it was too late to stop the smile already squeezing past my lips.

“I don’t know, Jules, how do you feel?” I asked, chuckling to myself.

I watched her let out a slow, uneasy breath before she locked her stare onto the moon again.

“You’re the one, Jules, and I should have told you years ago, but I knew it wasn’t the right time. I knew that you weren’t ready yet.”

Her eyes quickly darted toward mine again.

“Ready?” she asked. “Will, what…”

She let her words trail off.

“Jules, you’ve always been the only one for me,” I confessed.

I stopped then. I knew I had to tell her everything now, but I had to start from the beginning. I sucked in a breath and swallowed hard.

“Jules, I know I let life get in the way of us, and I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry. But I didn’t take the record deal in search of some kind of fame or elusive fortune or anything like that. I didn’t take it for me, Jules. It’s been great. You were right; it’s all been great. But you know that I would have been just as happy to spend the rest of my days playing my guitar for my number-one fan.”

I turned onto my side and faced her. Her eyes were still on me.

“But when I realized that I might not even get that dream — my dream of playing for you for the rest of my life — I remembered a promise you had made to me,” I said.

I paused and watched as a word formed on her soft lips.

“Why did you wait so long to tell me this?” she asked. “I had thought that you had moved on. I moved on. I almost got married. You know that.”

Her voice was stern, but I felt the corner of my mouth slowly lifting into a boyish grin despite it.

“Yeah, seeing the ring hurt just a little,” I said.

Her expression didn’t change, and then I knew she wasn’t in the mood for any of my stupid jokes. I lowered my eyes and then took a deep breath and slowly forced it out.

“You know, Jules, I wish I could say that I knew all along that you wouldn’t go through with it — that you wouldn’t marry him — but I didn’t know for sure,” I confessed. “I just prayed like hell that you would realize he wasn’t the one for you.”

I watched a smile fight its way to her pretty face. It was playful but also laced with sarcasm.

“Thanks, Will,” she said. “I’m glad I had your best wishes.”

My eyes fell to a spot on the sedan’s hood before they returned to her.

“I’m so sorry, Jules,” I said. “I hadn’t really realized how fast everything had gone until it was too late. I was so busy trying to find a way to get you back — listening to every piece of advice from every person who would give it — that I kind of got lost along the way.”

I stopped to take a breath.

“And Jules, I knew you had wings — wings like no one I have ever met,” I went on. “You had your dreams, and they were bigger than this town, and they were bigger than me. I knew that, and I knew you. I would have loved to follow you and to be with you when you graduated college or got into law school or passed the bar. I would have loved to be there with you living your dreams. It kills me that I wasn’t.”

My smile faded then, and my eyelids fell over my eyes, as her soft voice hit my ears again.

“Will,” she said, “when it was all said and done, it hurt, and I was hurting. I just needed time to figure things out, but that day — that day we broke up — it was like you had already given up on us.”

I forced my eyes open.

“Jules, I was foolish,” I pleaded. “I shouldn’t have let you walk out of my life. I should have protested. I should have fought for you, but I was young, and I thought you would change your mind in a short while and come back to me. And more than that, I was selfish. I wanted all of you, and I wanted you to want me too. And, believe me, I wanted to tell you. God knows I wanted to tell you so many times, but you see, I had to wait. I loved you too much to lose you twice.”

There was silence again as my last few words fell off my lips and hit the empty space between us.

“Will, I loved you,” she eventually said.

Her words were gentle, but they still managed to sting.

“We were going to get married and grow wrinkly together,” she continued. “But you made me a different person, Will. I was fighting for survival in the last days we were together. You made me never want to hurt like that again.”

I watched her chest rise and then fall. Then, her eyes seemed to get caught on a spot somewhere up in that big sky.

“Jules, I’m so sorry,” I pleaded. “But you’ve got to know that the longer I waited, the more my heart broke.”

She turned to me again, and I caught her stare.

“My ship sank, Jules, and my plan failed, and before I knew it, I was lost without you,” I continued. “Even though I could no longer wrap you up into my arms or kiss your pretty forehead, I still saw you.”

I paused for a moment and swallowed hard before I continued. I could feel the lump forming in my throat.

“You haunted my nights and then even my days,” I said. “I lived for sleep at times when you would come to me, and it would be just like you had never left. Dreams would always end with you, and then mornings would steal you away with a cruelty that haunted my days. The start of each new morning, Jules, pained me as I opened my eyes only to face my merciless reality. No matter how hard I tried to push you to the back of my mind, you always found a way back to the forefront. You always won,” I added, gently nudging her arm.

She lowered her head and smiled, as my eyes found the tops of my boots and locked onto them.

“I eventually learned to live as normally as possible again,” I went on. “I learned to get out of bed and to put on a smile everyday, though even in my laughter, my heart ached. And I learned to hide my hurt when someone asked about you or mentioned your name, which they often did and still do. I mean, Jules, even hearing your name in the grocery store would send me into a crazy, downward spiral that usually ended with Jeff acting as my badly equipped therapist.”

She cocked her head to the side and caught my eyes, but I only nodded my head and sucked in another deep breath, as I tried to smile.

“But I slowly learned to live a quiet existence without you by my side, carrying the heavy burden that was my secret,” I said.

I stopped then for a moment before I continued.

“Then one day, I received an answer to my prayers — in the form of a business card,” I said, starting to laugh. “It sounds crazy, I know, but it was almost as if fate had conspired for us, Jules. It took me a little while to realize it, but once I had, I was on a mission. Jules, I took the offer for you. All of this — the performing, the tours, the songs — is for you. I did it all to bring you back to me.”

“What?” I heard her softly ask. “How could you have done this all…?”

I listened to her words trail off.

“I had just finished recording your song, and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before you’d come back,” I said. “After all, you promised.”