James Cain - The Baby in the Icebox and Other Short Fiction

Mr. Hinsch: Me neither. But I say them Water Witches had one thing on their side. White plumes gets dirty awful quick.

Mr. Oyster: Well, Hinsch, I say it’s according as according. If a fellow takes care of his hat right, what I mean, not make no football outen it and use it to dust off the back porch, why them plumes stays clean about as long as a man could expect. Me, I kind of like them white plumes. They show off good on parade.

Mr. Hinsch: They don’t show off as good as red plumes. A fellow can see a red plume a long ways off.

Mr. Oyster: The trouble with them red plumes was that Myersville had them.

Mr. Hinsch: Myersville ain’t got no red plumes no more. They changed them to blue this year.

Mr. Oyster: I know they changed them, but the trouble is nobody out in the state don’t know about it. What them Semper Fidelises was thinking about was the state carnival. Them boys is taken first prize on appearance for three years now, and they didn’t want nobody getting them mixed up with Myersville. Well, yes, it’s a shame the way things is all shot to hell since them Rotarys butted in the way they done. Them companies ain’t got no more show at the carnival now than a snowball in hell.

Mr. Hinsch: I hear them Semper Fidelises ain’t going down to the carnival if they don’t get what they want for Scotty Akers.

Mr. Oyster: Yeah, I hear that too. First time in fifteen years we ain’t had two companies at the carnival. I would think them Rotarys would be ashamed of theirself.

Mr. Matchett: Well, boys, this sure is good news. What I say, a fellow had ought to go in the Junior Order first. The place for a young fellow is in the Junior Order. Then, when he gets so’s he can take on another one, he ought to get took in the Heptasophs. Anyway, that’s what I done, and if I had the thing to do over again, I would do it the same way. Then, when he gets a little older and he knows where he’s at, it’s time to get took in the Odd Fellows. Ain’t that right?

Mr. Hinsch: A fellow hadn’t ought to be in no hurry about the Odd Fellows. Junior Order first, I say.

Mr. Oyster: It don’t pay to be in no hurry.

Mr. Hinsch: Fact of the matter, Oyster, I ain’t never got it straight in my head whether Scotty died in line of duty or not. That there is a question.

Mr. Oyster: The way I look at it, Scotty was there when the bell rang. Then Scotty drove the truck out and got to the fire. And he was at the fire. We know that much, and there can’t be no argument about it. Well, suppose Scotty had of been squirting water on the fire? The string-piece might of beaned him just the same.

Mr. Hinsch: That’s so, all right. Fact of the matter, you might say the string-piece would of been more liable to of beaned him if he was squirting water on the fire than like it was. A fellow runs a awful risk, taking a hose in close on a fire when it gets started good.

Mr. Oyster: And then another thing. Take where Scotty was standing. He didn’t have to pull that nozzle in close to the fire like that, just to sock it on them Water Witches. It looks to me like Scotty was just getting ready to turn it on the fire anyhow.

Mr. Hinsch: That’s right. I was thinking about that myself.

Mr. Oyster: And then, it don’t make no difference if Scotty started the fight, he helped to put out a whole lot of fires, and a fellow don’t hardly know which fire he’s going to get killed at.

Mr. Hinsch: It’s just like lynching a nigger. Some of them says you ought not to lynch him, account of maybe he ain’t the right nigger, but I always say if a nigger hadn’t ought to be lynched for one thing he ought to be lynched for something else he done, so it don’t pay to figure it down too close. It’s just the same way with Scotty. He might of got beaned some other time.

Mr. Oyster: Or later on, maybe.

Mr. Hinsch: Of course, I ain’t saying Scotty didn’t make a whole lot of trouble the way he talked. If Scotty could of kept his trap shut he would of been a hell of a sight better fellow.

Mr. Oyster: Scotty had a-plenty to say all right. But in a way you might say he done a lot for the town.

Mr. Hinsch: I say anybody that went to fires regular like Scotty done, why, he done a lot for the town, even if he did have a lot to say.

Mr. Oyster: If it was only me, I would say pay the pension and glad to do it.

Mr. Hinsch: That’s right. I would be the first one to vote for it.

Mr. Oyster: The trouble is them goddam Water Witches.

Mr. Hinsch: Them Water Witches sure would raise hell. And what makes it bad, them Water Witches is all from the upper end of town and they pay the taxes.

Mr. Oyster: Them Semper Fidelises ain’t got no money.

Mr. Hinsch: Most of them Semper Fidelises pays rent. It’s them Water Witches owns the property, or their people does.

Mr. Oyster: They pay rent when they pay it. I swear to God, I don’t see how half of them boys get along.

Mr. Hinsch: Now what I say, it ain’t nothing against them boys that they’re poor people, like of that. But when them people that pays taxes comes in here and puts up a holler, why you got to pay some attention to it.

Mr. Oyster: They put up a holler all right. You could hear them a mile. They plumb wore me out.

Mr. Matchett: There wasn’t no trouble about it, was there? What I mean, nobody didn’t drop no blackball against me, did they?

Mr. Hinsch: Not a one.

Mr. Oyster: I don’t believe I ever saw a application go through as quick as hisn, did you, Hinsch?

Mr. Hinsch: Same as a greased pig.

Mr. Matchett: You know what I would tell them Rotarys if they was to come along and ask me to get in it? I’d tell them to go plumb to hell. The Odd Fellows is good enough for me.

Mr. Hinsch: I wouldn’t stay up late nights waiting for them to ask you to get in it. They wouldn’t have such a no-account piece of trash as you in it.

Mr. Oyster: Oh, no! Them Rotarys is a sassiety order. A-setting around the lunch table, making speeches and trying to make out like they knowed what all the tools was for.

Mr. Hinsch: They brung Jim Peasely a bowl of water to wash the fish smell offen his fingers and he drunk it.

Mr. Oyster: Thought it was soup.

Mr. Matchett: Don’t it beat all, the way them fellows does? I wouldn’t trade off one good order, like the Odd Fellows, for a dozen of them Rotarys.

Mr. Oyster: It’s a wonder them Rotarys wouldn’t help finish what they started. But nobody ain’t heard a word out of them since this trouble started.

Mr. Hinsch: Then there’s another way to look at it. If we listen to them Water Witches and don’t allow no pension, why, then we got all them Semper Fidelises saying Scotty got killed in line of duty, same as a soldier, and the town won’t do nothing for him.

Mr. Oyster: Say, Hinsch. That there is what they said, ain’t it? “Same as a soldier.” That there gives me a idea.

Mr. Hinsch: I hope to hell somebody’s got a idea. I ain’t.

Mr. Oyster: Hinsch, next Tuesday come a week is Decoration Day. Well, why not us get up a resolution, what I mean a real fancy resolution, saying Scotty died in line of duty same as a soldier, and appropriate some money to put a wreaf on his grave Decoration Day, and then say all the firemen had ought to have a festival to raise some money for Scotty’s family. How’s that hit you?

Mr. Hinsch: That ain’t so bad. How much is wreaves?

Mr. Oyster: They put up as pretty a wreaf as you want to see for twenty-five dollars. The town can afford twenty-five dollars.

Mr. Hinsch: Them Water Witches couldn’t hardly put up no squawk on twenty-five dollars. And that there would certainly help to satisfy them Semper Fidelises. They can make a whole lot of money on a festival, this time of year, if everybody gets out and works.