Tania Blanchard - The Girl from Munich

Johann von Klein had only come into my life recently, not long after the war began, when he and my mother married following a two-year courtship. He was a family friend from Berlin, ten years Mutti’s senior, but she hadn’t seen him for many years. Mutti grew up near the Luxembourg border and had married my natural father after the Great War; he was already over thirty but she was only twenty. She never spoke about the war years but I knew that although my natural father was a decorated hero, he did not cope well with life after the war. I remember him as a moody man who exploded with fits of rage at my mother and who sank into periods of deep depression. All he gave me besides those bad memories were his looks. I was tall and fair like him, with his square face and broad forehead.

I was only ten years old when she divorced him, but I remember it was such a scandal to have a divorce in the family. Mutti couldn’t bear to stay, so she moved from Düsseldorf to München, where her grandmother had left her an apartment. My mother couldn’t afford to have us with her – she had no money because my father had spent all her inheritance as well as his own. My father kept my brothers but not me – I went to boarding school. Sometimes I wondered if Mutti sent me away because I reminded her of my father. My mother would come to see me at school one day every year, and what a day it always was. She lavished me with love, hugs and kisses, small gifts and her undivided attention for the whole day but then she would be gone again. Although I knew she had it tough, I was only a child. I thought that nobody wanted me.

I was fifteen and just finishing my land year when she married Johann. Mutti fetched me home. Her new husband was kind and generous. He paid for me to study photography and spoilt me like I was his own daughter, as he had no children of his own. He insisted on my introduction to high society, as he was from a long line of barons himself. My mother agreed that it was my birthright, joyfully arranging my ‘coming out’ ball. Nobody had ever bothered about me before and I was beside myself to finally become the centre of attention, in awe of being allowed to choose a magnificent gown for the occasion. I was crushed when it was cancelled. The war was escalating and many of our men were dying; it didn’t seem right to observe the social niceties when so many families had lost their loved ones. Already we could feel the perpetual optimism that buoyed a city like München, making it sparkle and shine, begin to fade.

And then we lost Ludwig.

Vati didn’t give up. On my eighteenth birthday, he presented me with adoption papers. He wanted me to be his daughter, to take his name. All the times I had been overlooked paled into insignificance. I was ecstatic.

I met Heinrich at one of our favourite places in the Englischer Garten. It was a good place to talk without our mothers lurking nearby. Entering the calm, cool green of München’s beloved parkland, the creeping unease I had begun to sense on the streets – despite the Führer’s assurances that Germany was winning the war – fell away, along with the chaos and noise of a functioning city, defiant in the face of war.

Heinrich was already waiting when I arrived, standing by the bank of the Schwabinger Bach, hands resting easily in his pockets, staring into space. He stood straight and tall, broad shoulders straining against the fabric of his suit jacket. I smiled to myself. I might just be able to surprise him this time. Approaching as silently as I could, I moved out of his line of sight, watching the close-cropped blond head that so reminded me of my brothers drop as though deep in thought. He was just about to start his exams and I was sure he was thinking through some medical procedure.

I was a few feet behind him and he still hadn’t moved. I couldn’t help but grin as I reached out with both arms and poked him in the ribs.

Heinrich whipped around faster than I thought possible, catching me off guard. I whooped, startled. He grasped my arms, pulling me towards him and as I glimpsed his sly smile, I realised he had been ready for me. Pulling back as he dug into my ribs with powerful fingers, I shrieked with uncontrollable laughter before we lost balance and fell among the grass and wildflowers of the meadow. I wheezed, winded by the fall, laughter still bubbling up from inside of me. I had landed on top of him. His smile of triumph faded as he looked up at me, his bright blue eyes clouding with concern.

‘Are you all right?’ he whispered.

I nodded, leaning on the elbow that had hit the ground. Worried I must be crushing him, I tried to straighten to take my weight off him, wincing at the stinging in my elbow.

‘No,’ he said softly, his eyes glittering. ‘You don’t get away that easily.’ He pulled me close to him, his muscular frame taut against my softness, his cotton collar tickling my cheek. ‘That’s better,’ he murmured, wriggling his hips under me.

‘Heinrich, no! Not here where everybody can see.’ I felt the blood rush to my face, mortified. It was a warm summer’s afternoon and I could hear people milling about the park. ‘What if my mother finds out?’

I watched the gleam of wicked humour in his eyes disappear before he sighed. ‘Such a spoilsport,’ he said. ‘Give me a kiss.’ He drew me into a deeper embrace. He tasted of cigarettes and strawberries. Smoking was a habit he’d picked up on the front but now he only smoked at parties and when he was studying.

‘Now,’ he said, allowing me to slide onto the grass next to him. ‘Let’s have a look at that elbow. I think it requires some expert medical attention.’

‘My mother is so angry,’ I told him as he examined my elbow. I gazed at the ducks bobbing calmly on the stream, the sun filtering through the thick foliage of the trees near its bank, making the water glisten in the afternoon light. Part of me wished I had brought my camera. ‘She wanted us married before the end of summer.’

‘Is this what you want?’ Heinrich let go of my elbow and sat very still, as if bracing himself.

My heart fluttered and skipped a beat. ‘We agreed, didn’t we? You want to finish your studies and we both want to be working and independent before we marry. We want our own place without our parents interfering with our lives. You don’t want us to live at home, do you?’

‘We wouldn’t be very happy.’

I slowly released the breath I had been holding. ‘Of course we wouldn’t,’ I agreed, my heart resuming its normal rhythm. ‘Can you imagine either of our mothers telling us what to do all the time?’ I grasped Heinrich’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘We’ll be so happy in our own place. It doesn’t have to be much because it will be you and me.’

‘I know we will.’ Heinrich kissed my hand. ‘I want to get more work at the hospital and prove my worth before I graduate, so I have a better chance at a permanent position. After all, I’ll be cheaper than a more experienced doctor. I’d rather be here and really make a difference than at a field hospital. There are too many who can’t be saved on the front,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t think I can do that again. It destroys the soul.’

My skin prickled to hear him holding back tears. The familiar anguish I had seen him carry after two tours to field hospitals on the Eastern Front never truly faded and could resurface at any time; it was something he didn’t like to speak about but I had seen his torment.

‘It’s a good plan,’ I said, my voice strong for his sake. ‘It will see us through this war. With good management, we’ll both have jobs here in München. I’ll promise Mutti that as soon as that happens, I’ll begin planning this wedding. I need you here to do that – otherwise between my mother and yours, they’ll drive me crazy. You have to keep me sane!’