Katie MacAlister: The Trouble With Harry

“My marriage with Charles did nothing to put me off all men, Del. I assume that he was the exception to the norm, and that most men would hesitate to marry a woman when they already have a wife living. And as for the family, I fear it’s too late for that. I’m forty years old. Surely most women my age have finished having children by now.”

“Ah, but you’re not most women,” Cordelia said, her smile warming Plum’s heart. “You’re Frederica Pelham, daughter of Sir Frederick Pelham, the woman of breeding if not fortune, who just so happens to also be the author of the most popular, most scandalous book of the century.”

Plum glanced around the small garden worriedly. The last thing she needed was for anyone in Ram’s Bottom to find out she was the notorious Vyvyan La Blue, author of the famed Guide to Connubial Calisthenics , a book so shocking it was banned as obscene by the government — and subsequently went into three separate printings to fulfill the demands by members of the ton .

“I did have Old Mab Shayne examine me,” Plum named the local midwife hesitantly, unwilling to get her hopes up about something that meant so much to her. “She said there was nothing wrong with my womanly parts, and she knew of several women who had children well into their mid-forties.”

“There, you see? If you really want to have a family despite me telling you just how appallingly horrible childbirth can be, then you owe it to yourself to investigate this advertisement.”

Plum nibbled on her lower lip, her gaze slipping to the paper. Although the method the man had used to state his desire for a wife off-put her almost as much as the word interview rankled, Cordelia did have a point. There was nothing to stop her from examining the man to see if he would make a suitable partner for her. She’d more or less done as much with the other men of the area she had considered. “There is the problem of my past,” she said slowly. “I have lost more than one potential suitor upon his finding out that I was Charles’s mistress.”

“You weren’t his mistress — you married him in good faith. He is the one who wronged you, he is the one who used you and threw you away without any regard or concern for your future.”

“We both know that, but gentlemen, alas, do not care that Charles lied to me when he wed me. They only see a woman who gave herself to a man who was not lawfully her husband, one who caused a scandal so great that it resulted in Charles being sent abroad, Papa disowning me, and poor Susanna ostracized and reviled by society for the mere fact that she was my sister. She went into a decline because of the scandal, Del. It’s my fault she died and left baby Thom to be brought up by her uncle Beauclerc.”

“It’s not your fault in the least, so stop martyring yourself. Besides, there is a simple solution to the problem: Don’t tell this man who you are. Were .”

Plum stared in surprise at her friend. “You want me to lie?”

“No, of course not, that would be sinful and wrong. I simply suggest that you not tell the man everything — until you’re wed. Then, after such time has passed as is needed for him to fall in love with you, you tell him the truth. By then it will be too late for him to do anything about it.”

“That’s rather callous,” Plum said, her fingers fretting the material of her gown. “After the experience with Charles, honesty is at the top of the list of qualities I seek in a husband. I will not again marry a man who has secrets from me.”

“Mmm, well I’m afraid that lets out every man in the British Isles who can still draw breath.” Cordelia paused for a moment, then asked, “You have a list of qualities you desire in a husband?”

“Yes, of course I do. Lists are excellent ways to become organized. I keep them for many things. Husbandly attributes are just one of the many lists I maintain—”

“What is on it?”

“On the husband list?” Cordelia nodded. Plum thought for a moment, then ticked items off on her fingers. “Honesty is the most important, as I mentioned. And a good nature is also necessary.”

“I should think so.”

“A sense of humor is a definite plus.”

“I agree completely.”

“Of course, he must want children.”

“Of course,” Cordelia said somberly. Plum slid a glance toward her to see whether or not she was being mocked. Cordelia’s face was all seriousness, although there was a glint in her dark gray eyes that made Plum suspect otherwise.

“Financial security is also necessary, although I will not be demanding regarding the amount, so long as he is able to provide a secure home for me, and for Thom as long as she is with us.”

“Mmm. More is better when it comes to items of a fiduciary nature.”

“And last of all, the man I wed must be very, very limber. Double-jointedness is preferred, although I would settle for a normally jointed man so long as he was fit and limber.”

Cordelia blinked. “Limber? Why ever should he be limb…oh! You mean for…in…when he and you…”

“Yes, exactly. I may not have much experience being a wife, but even I know that one must indulge in connubial calisthenics in order to get with child. And you must admit that when it comes to such things, it’s much easier to have a limber husband than one who is unable to perform even the simplest of calisthenics like Bull Elephant at Hadrian’s Wall .”

Cordelia opened her mouth as if she was going to speak, then evidently thought better of it, and shook her head instead.

“Although I have a number of qualities my prospective mate must meet, the first and foremost items are honesty and forthrightness in all things. After Charles, I just couldn’t tolerate anything less, and if I demand that in a spouse, I must provide the same. I will have to tell him about my past.”

“Yes, but Plum, you don’t really have that luxury, do you?”

The words, although softly spoken, carried a sting with them. Plum’s heart sank as she once again shouldered the burden she had cast off for a few hours of enjoyment of young Colin. “No, I don’t. To be truthful, my situation is worse than you know. The money from the last of my jewels ran out earlier this year. The lease on our cottage expires at the end of this month, and Sir Jasper has warned me that he cannot be as accommodating on the rates as he has been. Mrs. Feeny has told Mr. Feeny he is not to extend me any more credit until I pay what I owe them, and all other shops in town are following suit.”

“I will be happy to ask Mark for a sum to tide you over until the next draft arrives from your publisher—”

Plum shook her head before her friend could finish her sentence. “There won’t be any more drafts. The last one was for such a miniscule amount, I wrote to Mr. Belltoad. He informed me that the Guide, although extremely popular with members of the ton , had limited appeal to those of a lower class, who evidently feel the book to be more pornographic than a celebration of physical affection between spouses.”

“But surely there must be something you can do! Some employment you can find…”

Plum blinked back tears of self-pity. One of the first things she had learned was that tears never helped. “I’m a gentleman’s daughter, Del. My education has been limited to those things suitable to running a house hold and bearing children.”

“You could be a governess or a teacher.”

“With my reputation?”

Cordelia’s gaze dropped. “Oh, yes, I had forgotten that.”

“I can assure you that you are the only one who has.” Plum sighed. Sighing, like tears, did not do much good, but at least it made one feel better without leaving red eyes and a drippy nose.