Филиппа Карр - The Love Child

I had definitely decided to go.

There was no doubt about Jocelyn’s pleasure when I saw him. He was carrying the basket of food and together we walked down to the shore.

“I’m speechless,” he said, “but you know how I feel.”

“I’m sure I feel the same.”

“There is so much to talk about.”

“Let’s wait until we are on the island.”

“No one can hear us now.”

“I shan’t feel we’re safe until we are there,” I said.

We got into the boat. I could see the island but the horizon was obscured by mist.

Jocelyn rowed steadily and within less than half an hour the bottom of the boat was scraping against the sandy shore of the island. As it loomed up before us I had to admit it looked ghostly in the greyish light.

Jocelyn took my hand as he helped me get out. He clung to it for a long time and then kissed it.

I looked over my shoulder furtively and he laughed at me. “There’s no one here but us, Priscilla.”

“I’m so fearful for you.”

“But we’re here … alone.”

“I mean I’m afraid of what’s going to happen.”

He released me to tether the boat. Then we walked up the slope to the ruins of the abbey.

“I shall be going to France shortly,” he said. “I shall be safe there. You must come to me, Priscilla.”

“They’ll never allow me to.”

“I’ve talked it over with Harriet. We could be married. Then you could come with me.”

“My parents would never agree.”

“I meant we would marry and tell them afterwards.”

My happiness was tinged with sorrow. My mother would be so hurt if I acted in such a secretive way. It was hard to explain to Jocelyn how close I had been to her. There was a special relationship between us which was in part due to my father’s indifference towards me. I knew how deeply grieved she would be if I took such a step secretly, for it would mean I was shutting her out of my life.

I shook my head.

“I’m going to tell you all the reasons why that would be the best thing for us to do,” said Jocelyn. “I’ve talked it over with Harriet.”

“Harriet thinks we should marry!” I cried. “She really means we should do it without my parents’ consent!”

“Harriet is a wonderful person. That is the sort of thing she has been doing all her life, and did you ever know a more contented woman?”

“She has been very lucky, I think.”

“She has been bold. She has taken what she wanted from life and been content with it.”

“One cannot always take what one wants. There are others to be considered.”

“There are the two of us.”

“And my mother.”

“She has probably planned some marriage for you. I admit at the moment she would not want to see an alliance between her family and ours. But this madness is going to pass. Then I can tell you the Frintons are not without some standing.”

“Oh, Jocelyn, if only we could!”

“We’re going to talk about it. It’s wonderful that we have this time together.”

“Christabel had a headache. Apparently she has them badly now and then.”

“Kind Christabel! Perhaps she knew how much I wanted to be with you alone.”

We had come to what was left of the wall. We stepped over it. It was an impressive sight-those great stone walls which had once housed the monks now lay in ruins and yet there was enough of the abbey left for one to be able to reconstruct it in the mind. The remains of stone arches through which the grey sky could now be seen left memories of grandeur; here and there were stone flags, some as they must have been before the Dissolution; grass grew in between others. We found a room which was entered through a massive wooden door which had somehow withstood the winds and salt spray of centuries. It was open to the sky, the roof having long ago disappeared, but otherwise it was complete. The long slips of windows looked out on the sea.

“I was fascinated by it all,” said Jocelyn, “when I came over a few days ago for the first time. I thought it would be a good place to hide so I went over it very carefully. You get a certain amount of shelter here in this room, though if there was a strong wind it would whistle through those unglazed windows. I suppose that’s how they were long ago. The monks lived Spartan lives though, and must have been unaffected by the cold.” He turned to me and put his arms about me. “There,” he said, “you feel safe now, don’t you? We’re here alone … you and I on this island. The thought of that thrills me. It has seemed so long, Priscilla, and at times I wondered if I should ever see you again.”

I remembered the ring suddenly and a cold shiver ran through me. I had to confess without delay. I told him what had happened.

“Are you sure it’s behind this court cupboard?”

“Absolutely. There is nowhere else it could possibly be. They move it only once a year. It is very heavy.”

“When you find it, will you wear it?”

“I will. I was afraid to before. That’s really why it was lost. Leigh said that it would arouse comment and it did have your family name inside.”

“Oh, yes, it has been handed down through the family for generations. That’s why I wanted you to have it.”

I felt so relieved that he was not put out about the ring and I told myself that I must set aside my fears and enjoy this day.

“Oh, Jocelyn,” I cried, “isn’t it wonderful to be here … alone together!”

He kissed me tenderly. “And to know we have a few hours here,” he added.

“It is only just past midday,” I said. “What shall we do first?”

“Explore the island and talk and talk. Then we’ll have our picnic and talk some more, and I shall look at you all the time. I want to watch the way you smile. There’s the tiniest dimple at the side of your mouth when you do. I love the way your hair falls back from your face. It’s so different from those hideous curls they call ‘favourites’ at Court. I love your brown eyes, and I think how much more beautiful they are than blue ones.”

“You’re prejudiced,” I said. “I think you only like these things because they’re mine.”

“There could not be a better reason,” he replied.

I think we were both a little afraid of the emotions we aroused in each other. I was happy just to be with him, but I could not forget that he was a hunted man and that this was only a temporary refuge. I was tremendously excited by the thought of getting married. It seemed so impossible and yet why should it be? The circumstances were exceptional. I listened to the melancholy screeching of the gulls. It was as though they were warning me that there was not much tune.

If he went to France, I told myself, I could go with him. If we were married I most certainly would. But could I leave my family like that?

I wished that Leigh were there so that I could have talked to him. That struck me as strange, for when I was very young, secretly deep down in my heart I had promised myself that when I grew up I would marry Leigh.

We explored the abbey ruins. We found the refectory and the reading gallery.

“This must have been the chapter house,” said Jocelyn, but I did not think he was very much interested in the ruins. We were both overwhelmed by the significance of our being alone together. I did not know what I wanted to do except cling to him and keep him safe. I wished the boat could come straight to the Eyot and carry us both to France.

There was a strange atmosphere on that lonely island. It was such a still day. The mist hung in wisps which did not move. They looked strange-grey and ghostly.

“There’s the church tower,” I pointed out. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the bells started to ring and we saw the black figures of the monks coming in to complines.”