Филиппа Карр - Midsummer's Eve

I guessed that they all deplored the change at Cador and, of course, they would all be very much aware of it. My father and his family before him had exerted a benevolent influence over the community; local troubles were brought to them; their role was that of caring parents.

"Things are different now," was the general comment.

Many of them were uneasy. They knew the great estate was in decline. Farmers were complaining at the lack of repairs to their homes; the place was going to rack and ruin, it was said.

Kitty was often in the Cador kitchen, but I supposed the new owners did not concern themselves much with what went on below stairs; and Isaacs and Mrs. Penlock, much as they disliked the lowering of standards, were still despotic rulers in their own domain.

Kitty had made a friendship with Mabel Tucker whom I remembered as a kitchen maid.

She used to come to the cottage on a return visit. I was very pleased to see Kitty so contented.

Then Rolf came over to see me.

He looked older, I thought. There were a few lines on his forehead which had not been there before, and he looked rather solemn. But his face lit up with pleasure when he saw me. He took both my hands and held them firmly.

"I heard you were back," he said. "I'm so pleased to see you.”

"It's good to see you too, Rolf.”

"I hear you have come back to sell the cottage.”

"That was my intention.”

"That mean you'll be going away ... permanently.”

"I really don't know what I'm going to do. It's hard to say ... so much depends.”

He nodded.

"All this ..." He waved his hand. "Such changes. Sometimes it seems quite unbelievable.”

"Yes, I know. One goes on for years expecting nothing to change and then suddenly it does ... drastically. Come into the cottage. We're making it quite a pleasant place, Kitty and I. I brought her with me from London. She is out at the moment.

I expect she is at Cador. She gets on very well with the maids there and Mrs. Penlock graciously allows her to visit the kitchen.”

Rolf looked round the little sitting room.

"Very pleasant," he said and looked at me sadly. "My dear Annora, what you have gone through! I wish ...”

I looked at him appealingly. I wanted him to hold me tightly. I wanted to say: This time, Rolf, I would not run away. I want to say I'm sorry. I was so foolish. I just couldn't believe you weren't there that night ... and now I simply don't care if you were. He said: "It was brave of you to come back.”

"One has to go on living. The people here ... they talk all the time about the change at Cador.”

"It's a tragedy. They are ruining the place. I can't understand it. Tregern knows a good deal about management. He always worked well for me. I never quite trusted him, but he was a shrewd manager.”

"Why didn't you trust him?”

"I imagined he was not strictly honest. I think certain sums may have found their way into his pocket.”

"Didn't you tax him with it?”

"I had to have something I could prove first. And he really did a very good job.

It was just vague suspicions.”

"What do you think he is doing now?”

"I'm not sure. I know he is raising mortgages on Cador. It seems as though he is short of money. Yet he is doing nothing in repairs. The place is running down at an alarming rate. I can only think it is due to his gambling.”

"I can't bear to think of it. My father was always so meticulous. Any sign of decay anywhere and he had it seen to at once.”

"It is the only way. There is something odd going on there.”

"And what of her ... Maria?”

"She is besotted by him, I hear. She was from the time they met. In a way they suit each other.”

"I was surprised when I heard she was married. For some time I thought it was to you.”

He stared at me incredulously.

"Well, I was told by a prospective Member of Parliament who had been here sounding out the population. He said she had married 'the chap from the Manor.' Naturally I thought of you.”

"Unnaturally," he said. "What were you thinking of, Annora?”

"I, er ... just thought you might have found her attractive ... and I always knew you had a special feeling for Cador.”

He looked at me in such puzzlement that I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him about my doubts and misgivings which had started on that Midsummer's Ever. I wanted to say: Let's forget it forever.

It doesn't matter. Whatever happened then I would put aside, because I knew my only chance of being happy again was with him.

He was looking into the past too, I believed. Was he remembering that morning when I had ridden over to the Manor with a note for him? I could see now what a terrible hurt I had inflicted on him. I wondered whether he could ever forget or forgive it.

It was not for me to say, I am ready to take you, Rolf. It was for him to decide whether he wanted me after what I had done to him.

"Cador, yes," he was saying. "It always seemed to me the most wonderful place on Earth. When, as a boy, I rode over with my father, I always gasped at the first glimpse of those towers. I used to wish that I had been born there. I certainly wished it could be mine. But not in that way. Good Heavens, Annora, what an idea!”

"Are you still interested in antiquities?”

"Yes, as enthusiastic as ever. Old customs and that sort of thing. But I couldn't have married that woman for all the castles and stately homes in England.”

We laughed and I said: "Would you like some tea? Some coffee?”

"Some coffee, please.”

"I shall have to make it myself. But don't worry. I know how. I did quite a lot of cooking in the Mission which is run by Peterkin and his wife.”

"Oh yes. I've read about that place in the papers. Your uncle has given a great deal of support to it." He looked at me searchingly. "Such a lot of things happened in a short space of time. I feel I've been living in a backwater while you've been out in the world.”

He watched me while I made the coffee.

I said: "Most of what happened was not very pleasant, Rolf.”

He nodded.

"All that scandal with my uncle and the Cresswells. But it seemed nothing compared with what happened after.”

There was silence while I set out the cups on the tray.

"You have become domesticated," he said with a smile.

He carried the tray into the sitting room and I poured out the coffee.

"I learned from the newspapers about what was happening to you.

It seemed strange that it should be that way after ... Well, we had been pretty close, hadn't we?”

"Always ... until ...”

"Things change.”

"Rolf, I'm very sorry for what I did to you.”

"You did the right thing.”

I was aghast.

"Yes," he said. "It would have been wrong for you. It was better to make the break while there was time, even if it was at the last moment ... rather than go and make a mistake.”

"But ...”

"Don't worry about it, Annora.”

"Have you ... forgiven me?”

"My dear Annora, there is nothing to forgive really. It seemed right for us then, didn't it? It seemed natural. I think we were carried away by childhood memories.

And that, of course, is not a good reason. It wasn't the past we had to think about but the future. It's over now. Let's forget it.”

Those words were like a tolling bell telling me of the love which was dead.

"After all," he went on, "we're still good friends ... the best of friends.”

How often had those words been spoken, I wondered, to end a broken love affair. "We're good friends ... the best of friends.”

Friends are good to have, but when one has been hoping for more, how sad those words are!

"What about those Cresswells?" he asked. "There was a big scandal about Joseph, wasn't there? It ruined his career.”