Филиппа Карр - We'll meet again

But it did not seem so now. All through the night I lay awake.

What should I do? In the morning I had made my decision. There was only one way. I must tell Jowan.

He knew something was wrong. I could not stop thinking of that woman with her cold, calculating eyes.

I had driven Jowan into the hospital where they had examined and dressed his wound, and when I was taking him home, I went instead to that field where we had first met. I pulled up the car and we sat there.

"Tell me all about it," he said. "What's troubling you? Have you changed your mind? Are you going to tell me that you are having second thoughts about marrying the poor old invalid?”

I forced a laugh. "I want to marry you more than anything. I have something to tell you, though.”

"I guessed that," he said. "Well, what is it?”

"It was when I was working at the Ministry with Mary Grace. Her brother is, of course, Richard Dorrington.”

I heard him take a deep breath and his manner changed slightly.

He would remember the time when Richard had come to visit me in Cornwall and he knew that Richard had once asked me to marry him. That was before the war had started.

"I saw Richard now and then," I went on quickly. "He would have short leaves. Just a few hours sometimes. He knew that I was waiting for you. There was nothing but friendship between us. Someone lent him a flat and we used to go there, and usually I prepared a meal for him.”

"It sounds rather... intimate," said Jowan.

"Richard always knew that there could be nothing but friendship between us.”

"I expect he hoped I wouldn't come back.”

"I want you to know that what I am telling you is the truth.”

"And what happened?”

"I was caught up in an air raid when we were in the flat together.

Richard was hurt... not really badly, but badly enough to prevent his going to France for the landings which he would otherwise have done. Richard was married.”

"Married! But I thought...”

"So did we all. He had just kept it secret. She is a society girl and often mentioned in gossip columns. The marriage was a failure and they both wanted to be free of it. She was waiting because she thought he might go to France and not come back and that would be a way out of it for her. But when she heard he was not going, she decided to get her divorce in the quickest way possible. She is using the incident of the bombing to support the evidence that I was in the flat with him. You see, it was late in the evening. The fact is, she is divorcing him on a charge of adultery... and "With you?" he said.

I felt a certain withdrawal and he murmured: "Good heavens!”

"It worried me," I went on quickly. "But Richard said it would very likely go unnoticed. Before the war, the papers reported these cases in detail. It is different now.”

I was watching him closely and I could see a hint of doubt in his face.

I said vehemently: "You must believe me. There was nothing... nothing...”

He turned to me and kissed me fiercely. "Violetta... my love… of course I believe you. And suppose it were ... It was a long time... a long and weary time. I would have gone on loving you whatever you had done.”

My relief was intense. I had told him. It no longer seemed of any importance.

"Oh, Jowan!" I said. "I love you so much! I could not bear it if anything went wrong now.”

"It can't if we won't let it.”

"But you believe me?”

"I believe you. Well, now that's over. You can smile again. We are here together, aren't we? We love each other too much to allow anything to upset that. We know what it means to have been separated and we will never allow that again.”

"Jowan, I am so thankful.”

He took my hands and kissed them. "I don't think we should delay our wedding, do you?" he said. "This wretched arm of mine will be cleared up soon, but we won't wait for that.”

"I don't want it cleared up until the war is finished," I said.

We sat for a moment in silence; his arm was round me, holding me close to him.

Then he said: "There was something that happened in France. As this is the time for confessions, I should tell you, I suppose. It is all rather vague, and I am not sure... but I'd like you to know.”

"You mean..?”

"Let me explain. I told you about Marianne... I mean, the sort of woman she was. She had loved her husband dearly, but I doubt whether she had been entirely faithful to him. There was something earthy about her. She was motherly and deeply sensuous. I think Lisette will be the same. Marianne had a deep tenderness for men.

She regarded them as little boys. I think the soldiers whom she had helped had comforted her in more ways than one. There was one night when my arm was particularly painful. I vaguely remember her dressing it for me; she settled me into bed, murmuring tender sympathy... and there she was, beside me, her arms around me, holding me tightly and kissing me to make the pain better... just as you hear mothers with their children. It was a disturbed night. I was not sure whether I was dreaming. I kept thinking of you. I thought I was with you. I was only half aware. I thought I was with you... that you were there beside me. I must have been delirious. Someone was there. I believed it was you... what happened during that night, I could not say. It may be that I was unfaithful to you... I was in that farmhouse ... and there was this woman and, Violetta, I do not know...”

"Strange things can happen during wartime," I heard myself say uncertainly.

"I cannot say," he went on. "I fancied she regarded me differently after that. I was never very sure about those nights of delirium. So often I thought you were there with me, and I remember the bitter disappointment when I awoke and found you were not. The longing was almost unbearable.”

We were both silent. It was difficult to find words. All I knew was that we must not look back. The war was going to be over. We would be happy. We were determined on that.

We were making arrangements for our wedding. I had never seen Mrs. Jermyn so pleased with life. She had seemed so much younger when she started the convalescent home and now, of course, her happiness was unbounded. Jowan was back and her dreams were coming true. I knew she was visualizing a wonderful life ahead with her grandchildren running round. She told me that, if she could have chosen a wife for her beloved grandson, I would have been that one.

We were a little emotional, still very much aware of our good fortune, and one day she said: "I do believe that, if it had not been for this terrible war, I could not have been so happy as I am now, for it has all been brought home to me how precious life is, now that I realize how near I came to losing what I most cared for.”

Jowan's arm was getting better under treatment. There was still some way to go before it was completely well, but we were not going to delay our wedding for that.

Those were wonderful days. Each morning I awoke with a thrill of excitement. I was staying at Tregarland's in my old room, but I would be at the Priory every day. We still had a number of soldiers whom we were looking after, but there was an air of rejoicing everywhere, for the Germans were in retreat and the end could not be far off. The future looked dazzlingly bright to me.

It was late one afternoon. Jowan and I were in the solarium with Mrs. Jermyn. She liked a cup of tea at this hour and for us to have it with her if possible. We were, of course, discussing the coming wedding, when the maid came in to tell us that we had visitors.

"Who is it, Morwenna?" asked Mrs. Jermyn.

"Well, ma'am, it's a Mr. and Mrs. Greenley seemingly. I've never seen 'em before. They's got a young girl with them. They do want to see Mr. Jowan Jermyn, they said.”