Michael Ford - Jane Goes Batty

“A baby,” Jane said, as if sampling the word to see how it tasted.

“And it has to be Jewish,” said Miriam. “So you’re going to have to convert.”

“Well, I was taking the class anyway,” Jane said.

“I can’t believe I’m having this conversation,” Miriam said, ignoring her. “I’m telling a vampire that I won’t kill her if she marries my son and gives me a grandchild. Next I’ll be buying a ham for Passover.”

“Why should I trust you?” Jane asked her.

“Why should you trust me?” said Miriam. “The vampire is asking me why she should trust me? What’s wrong with this picture?”

“I’m sorry,” Jane said. “I think it’s a reasonable question given the circumstances.”

“Don’t talk back to your mother-in-law,” Miriam said. “Show some respect for your elders.”

“Technically, I’m the oldest one around here,” said Jane.

“Again with the talking back,” Miriam said. She pointed her finger at Jane. “Don’t make me stake you, because you know I will,” she said.

“All right,” Jane said, holding up her hands. “I give. I give. We have a deal.”

“All right, then,” said Miriam. “Now get me something to eat. I’m starving. I don’t imagine you can make a Reuben, can you?”

“It’s three in the morning,” Jane told her. “And Walter is probably very worried about you.”

Miriam waved her hand. “Please. Walter thinks I go to bed at nine o’clock. How do you think I got out of the house? As long as I’m back before eight he’ll never know I was gone.”

Jane smiled to herself as she stood up. “I’ll go make that sandwich,” she said. “Yell if you need anything.”

“A gin and tonic would do wonders for this headache,” Miriam called as Jane went downstairs. “If it’s not too much trouble.”

“Not at all,” Jane called back.

In the kitchen Byron was standing by the sink, the broken part of his fang in his hand. “Do you think I can get it fixed?” he asked, holding the broken bit to the jagged stump in his mouth.

“Maybe if we can find a good vampire dentist,” Jane said. “Or you could file it down.”

“And be lopsided?” said Byron.

“Why not?” Jane said. “It will match your limp.”

“Not funny,” said Byron, putting the piece of fang in his pocket.

“I’m just teasing,” Jane said as she opened the refrigerator and scouted around for the ingredients for Miriam’s sandwich.

“How’s the killer?” Byron asked her.

“Awake,” said Jane. “And she’s made me a most interesting proposition.”

As she made Miriam’s sandwich she told Byron what the two of them had agreed to. “So, can I get pregnant?” she asked as she slathered mustard on the corned beef.

“I really don’t know,” admitted Byron. “I suppose we’ll find out.”

“What if the baby is a vampire?” Jane said. “Apart from the teething issue, what would it be like? We stop aging when we’re turned, so would it always be a newborn? Would it grow to a certain age and then stop?”

“A vampire embryo,” said Byron. “What a hideous thought.”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t think about all of this when you turned Charlotte,” Jane said. “You must have.”

“I didn’t think about much, really,” admitted Byron. “I assumed it would all work itself out somehow. And you know what?”

Jane turned to him. “What?” she said.

Byron smiled. “It will.”

“I’ll remind you of that when the baby turns into a bat and flies away,” Jane said. “Which reminds me. You promised to show me how to do that. I think I’ve proved myself worthy of knowing the secret now, don’t you?”

“I do,” said Byron. “Unfortunately, it’s not possible.”

“What do you mean?” Jane asked. “You mean you won’t tell me? After everything we’ve been through?”

“I would tell you if I could,” said Byron. “I mean that we can’t turn into bats. I lied.”

“Lied?” Jane said. “Why?”

Byron shrugged. “You needed incentive,” he said. “I thought if I told you that you could turn into a bat you would be more interested in your studies.”

Jane shook her head. “You insufferable man,” she said. She thrust the plate with the sandwich on it at Byron. “Just for that you get to take this up to her.”

Byron held up his hands, refusing to take the plate. “I’m not going near her,” he said. “She scares me.”

“She’s going to scare you even more when I tell her that you’re going to be her grandbaby’s godfather. Now go make nice.”

Byron took the plate, gave Jane a wounded look, and stomped out. He was halfway up the stairs before Jane remembered the gin and tonic. Rather than call him back, she decided to make it herself.

She was adding a twist of lemon when someone knocked on the door. Wondering who could be calling at such a late hour, she peered through the peephole, afraid that she might find the police or Charlotte standing there.

“Walter?” she said when she saw him standing on the porch. “What on earth?” She opened the door.

“I know it’s late,” Walter said. “But I saw your lights on and I know you stay up late sometimes and—”

“Come in,” Jane told him.

Only when Walter was inside did she remember that his mother was upstairs in her guest room.

“I want to talk to you about my mother,” Walter said.

“What about her?” Jane asked, keeping her eye on the stairs in case Byron made an appearance. She hoped Miriam would keep quiet long enough for her to get rid of Walter.

“She’d kill me if she knew I was here,” Walter said. “I had to wait for her to fall asleep before I snuck out of the house.” He chuckled. “I swear, she makes me feel like I’m fifteen years old.”

“Well, you’ll always be her little boy,” said Jane.

Walter nodded. “You’re right,” he said. “I will. But I don’t have to act like her little boy.”

“What do you mean?” Jane asked.

Walter reached into the pocket of his jacket and took out a box. Getting down on one knee, he said, “I know we’ve been back and forth and up and down and all around this issue. I’ve been afraid of my mother and you’ve been afraid of, well, whatever it is you’re afraid of. But Jane, the only thing that matters is that I love you and you love me. Nothing else is important. Just love.” He took a deep breath. “So, Jane Fairfax, I’m asking you one last time. Will you marry me?”

Jane heard a noise. Glancing up the stairs, she saw Byron and Miriam huddled together at the top. Byron had one hand over Miriam’s mouth and the other over his own. They were both staring wide-eyed at the scene below.

“Jane?”

Walter’s voice brought Jane’s attention back to the moment. She looked into his eyes and saw the air shimmering around him.

“Yes, Walter Fletcher,” she said. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

“It’s certainly been an eventful couple of weeks.”

Jane accepted the glass of wine Lucy was holding out to her. They were standing on Jane’s deck, looking out at a yard teeming with people. It was early evening, the air was warm, and Jane was reminded of the summers in the English countryside.

“This is how it all started,” said Lucy, leaning against the railing of the deck. “With a barbecue.”

“Well, it started a bit before that,” Jane began. Then she saw the smile on Lucy’s face. “You mean you and Ben,” she said.

“Are you surprised that he and I got together?” asked Lucy.

Jane thought about telling Lucy how she’d seen the sparks flying between her and Ben that night. But she decided not to. That particular talent was one it was probably best to keep secret. You never know when it will come in handy , she told herself.